People say to me, Archon, Facebook is a good way to connect with old friends.
At my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija Board
***
My doctor gave me three days to give up drinking. So I picked June the fifth, July 17, and October 9.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other ones are for my witty comebacks and smooth dance moves. I’ve stopped drinking for good. Now I only drink for evil.
***
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes; that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds inside my head; that’ll freak you right out.
***
My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.
So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to reveal she is completely naked. As my mouth hangs open she says: “Everything you can see between my legs is yours”
Rubbing my hands in anticipation I drop to my knees and say: “Right, I’ll have your TV, Stereo, Coffee Table, sofa, fireplace…”
***
Heisenberg is pulled over by a Highway Patrolman
“Mister, do you know how fast you were going?” asks the cop.
“No,” replies Heisenberg.
“I clocked you at 87 miles per hour!” the cop exclaims.
Heisenberg sighs. “Great, now I don’t know where I am…”
***
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
***
A 7 year old boy is sitting on a park bench, eating chocolate bars.
An old man next to him says, “Eating that much chocolate isn’t good for you.”
The boy replies, “My grandfather lived to 102.”
“Did he eat that much chocolate??”
“No! but he minded his own fucking business.”
***
A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.
“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.
“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”
“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.”
Archon's Den 
I was uncertain about that physics joke.
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The humor is quite fast, but it’s hard to locate the target audience. 😉
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Good👍
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With me, the comment is often, Good Grief. 😉 😆
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I see╰(*°▽°*)╯
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Who knew bells were so tasty?
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Wrap a fat, tender tourist around them, and they’re quite delicious. 😉 😯
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LOL. I remember thinking something very similar in Yellowstone when they were explaining the bells and bear thing. Someone maybe me was like so what you are saying is don’t hike far from where people are. The ranger was like oh no its pretty safe most of the time. There are hardly any dangerous bears out there. Pause. All of us out of town visitors as one thinking: So, what you are saying is don’t hike far. Got it.
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My parents brought back a couple of bear-bells from a trip to Banff. I think they got them from a ripped and torn backpack that someone had just abandoned. 😉 😆
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“Did he eat that much chocolate??”
“No! but he minded his own fucking business.” – Hahahahahahaha.
– Esme falling off her Cloud laughing.
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Esme can fall off her cloud and come here to laugh any time she wants. 🙂
I ran into the name Esme in a book this week, and finally got around to researching its meaning and origin. 😳
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What did you find out? Hahahahaha. I am Esme named so in honour of Terry Prattchet’s Granny (Esme) Weatherwax, a wonderful woman who specialised in withering glances *beams*.
– Esme sat swinging her legs upon the Cloud
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Esme is short for Esmerelda. It came from French, from a word which means esteemed, beloved, treasured. Twisted a different way, it gives the French name Estee – as in Estee Lauder cosmetics.
Poictesme – meaning beloved (home) province, and (pronounced “pwa-tem”) is a fictional country or province which forms the setting of the fantasy works of James Branch Cabell, known collectively as Biography of the Life of Manuel. Poictesme is ruled by the Count Dom Manuel. It was the author’s intention to situate Poictesme roughly in the south of France. 🙂
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I have a different spelling though it is undoubtedly the same meaning – Esmeralda, with an ‘a’ rather than an ‘e’. Estee is lovely, though soaked in perfume and make-up which means I have to wipe all that off to look at the name.
Poictesme – fascinating! It reminds me of the first story in Jorge Luis Borges’ Uqbar from his Everything and Nothing short stories. If you haven’t read them, that one, in particular, is great fun.
– Esme liking the cut of Archon’s gibber upon the Cloud
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