Pissing One-liners Away

Did you hear my new joke about pee?….
….Thank God no-one leaked it

I wanted to tell a joke about Amazon….
….But I’d probably fuck up the delivery

I just found out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder….
….I gotta tell the other guys

Why do women hate sexist jokes?….
….Because they only get 77% of them.

Freud was such an incesting man….
….Interesting!  I meant Interesting.

There is no lifeguard….
….In the gene pool

Did you know that protons have mass?….
….I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I called a discount exterminator….
….A guy came by with a rolled-up newspaper.

When my wife was in labor I told her jokes to ease the pain….
….She wasn’t amused, it must have been the delivery.

I would love to tell a chemistry joke….
….But all the good ones Argon.

I have one Islam joke….
….But I’m afraid I also only have one head.

Sometimes I wrestle with my Demons….
….Sometimes we just snuggle

Honk!!….
….If you like noise.

Marriage is grand….
….Divorce is a hundred grand

I had a life….
….But my job ate it.

What do you call a cow with two legs?….
….Lean beef

You tell an actor to ‘break a leg’….
….because every show has a cast.

What do you call birds of a feather, who stick together?….
….Vel-crows

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology….
….Do not read it!

If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight….
….there would be mass confusion.

Don’t tell a ‘dad joke’ if you are not a father….
….It’s a faux pa

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese….
….But it’s only mild

I’ve just written a song about tortillas….
….Actually, it’s more of a rap.

My wife told me that sex is better on vacation….
….Not the best postcard I’ve received.

Nouns piss grumpy old Archon off….
….You know, people, places, and things.

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween….
….Now he won’t come when I call him.

An unemployed jester….
….is nobody’s fool.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles….
….Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

I won’t go near trees….
….There’s something shady about them.

You have to hand it to short people….
….Because they can’t reach it.

12 thoughts on “Pissing One-liners Away

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Vel-crows? I think you can hear me groaning from here…
    🤣

    Like

  2. And here I thought you were more of an old fart, gassing on all the time! It ain’t the lack of lifeguards for the gene pool, it’s the HUGE shallow end that needs to be drained…..

    Like

  3. rulesoflogic says:

    Great stuff as always, sir.

    Like

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    Great one liners, GOD! ((((Still laughing))))
    (´∇ノ`*)ノ

    Like

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