A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
***
The math teacher asked the class, “If I have three bottles in one hand, and two in the other, what do I have?”
A student replied, “A drinking problem.”
***
Eat whatever you like because
The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60
And then..
KFC inventor died at 94
The inventor of the Nutella brand died at the age of 88
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
Hennessy inventor died at 98
The inventors of Afghani food (Qabeli, Manto and Chapli Kebab) are still alive.
How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?
The rabbit is always hopping but it lives for 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives 400 years.
So, Rest, Chill, Stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy life…
***
This is Rowan, our Wee Bean. The only other person that I personally know named Rowan, is Rowan Atkinson, who played Mister Bean.
Rowan is the official name of the Mountain Ash tree, sacred and respected by Wiccans.
Two weeks after they had photos taken of our new great-grandchild, his new Mom returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that she couldn’t get a word in.
Finally, after she’d seen all 20 poses, he asked her which ones she was most interested in.
“None,” she replied. “This isn’t my child.”
***
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”
***
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song about some guy’s truck leaving him.
***
Sitting in a recliner, naked, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, just minding my business….
And Wal-Mart calls the police.
Archon's Den 