A Shot Of One-Liners

Just found out that I qualify for the Pfizer vaccine….
….Apparently if you buy 20,000 Viagra a year, you’re a preferred customer

To err is human….
….To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

The main purpose of a child’s middle name….
….Is so that they can tell when they are really in trouble.

I dumped my girlfriend….
….He said, ruthlessly.

Be careful with the chainsaw….
….He said, offhandedly.

I finally heard the joke titled ‘From Minutes to Hours’….
….It’s about time.

Three things I want to do before I die….
….1: Swim with piranhas.

I got kicked out of the hospital….
….Apparently the sign STROKE PATIENTS HERE meant something quite different.

If it weren’t for Arabs, we wouldn’t have 9/11….
….Instead, it would be IX/XI

To err is human….
….To forgive is against company policy.

A man has his will….
….A woman has her way.

Behind every great man….
….Is a woman, rolling her eyes.

Behind every great woman….
….Is a load of dirty laundry.

Give a man a gun, and he’ll rob a bank….
….Give a man a bank, and he’ll rob everybody.

Some puns make me numb….
….But math puns make me number.

I wanted to be a monk….
….But I never got the chants

I went to this horrible bar called The Fiddle….
….It was really a vile inn.

My friend David had his ID stolen….
….Now he’s just Dav.

I was kidnapped by mimes….
….They did unspeakable things to me.

The meaning of opaque….
….Is unclear

I was going to get a brain transplant….
….But I changed my mind.

So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘Apocalypse.’….
….It’s not the end of the world

A relief map shows….
….Where the washrooms are.