These Jokes Are Criminal

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days.

The FBI, in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asks the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?”

“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.”

***

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): “I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer.”

Slim: “Did he keep it?”

Pickpocket: “He thinks he did.”

***

A deputy arrested a young man. The young man was verbally complaining to the officer about the injustice of him being arrested. He proclaimed his innocence over and over.

The verbal barrage went on for about fifteen minutes as the deputy drove the young man to jail. Finally the young man asked the officer in a loud voice, “So tell me then, what do you do when you catch a real criminal?”

The deputy shook his head sadly and responded, “I don’t know. All I’ve ever caught are innocent people.”

***

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”

The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

***

For God’s sake! You’d think it would be safe leaving your car unlocked at a church parking lot on a Sunday! Apparently NOT.
Anyway, I got 4 iPhones and 6 Tablets.

***

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury’s decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: “Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!”
The judge replied: “Temporary insanity”.
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: “All 12 of them?”

***

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and everything in my wallet. You won’t believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket

***

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

***

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, “I saw the whole thing.  I’ll take either side.”

***

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

***

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

21 thoughts on “These Jokes Are Criminal

  1. Garfield Hug says:

    Loved these LOL! Thanks

    Like

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Thanks for the laugh, Archon. It isn’t even Monday!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I saw lots of snow over at Rochelle’s, and shivered so much that I couldn’t compose a 100-word Flash Fiction, and published this instead.
      The buffets are open again. On Monday there’ll be a heaping helping of one-liners. 😆

      Like

  3. Rivergirl says:

    Ha! You slayed it with that last one.
    🤣

    Like

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    (((Still laughing))) Now I know it takes 3 lawyers to screw in a light bulb! 😜😂😂😂

    Like

  5. Was the girlfriend playing bad cop or good cop? Whichever it was, maybe she should have tried the opposite. Gotta be the girlfriend’s fault, right?

    Like

  6. Jay Leno would approve of these jokes. He loved to do his “stupid criminals” segments.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Catxman says:

    It’s all fun and games until someone starts a revolution and burns down the jail. (Bastille in France.) It’s that time of year in France, celebrations of the founding of the Republic. Let’s take a moment to remember our French brothers who died in the name of cheese.

    — Catxman

    http://www.catxman.wordpress.com

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I always thought that the French were a little cheesy. The Jacques Cartier Bridge in Montreal is closed for repairs because, after the politicians skimmed their portion off, there wasn’t enough left for infrastructure. It’s okay. The Frogs just hop across on lily pads. 😉 😯

      Like

  8. Tony Payne says:

    Good ones, quite a few I hadn’t heard before as well.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      You sound, like me, as if you spend considerable time in the presence of jokes. The wife gets frustrated when she tries to tell me a joke she’s found. About halfway through, she’ll say, “You’ve heard this one before, haven’t you?” 😳

      Like

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