I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office washroom….
….With an air-horn.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….
….And stupid – we should fear the shit out of stupid.
Stop shaming fat people….
….They have enough on their plate already.
My wife made me join a bridge club….
….I jump off next Tuesday.
I stayed at a really cheap hotel….
….They stole my towel.
Another name for the Highway to Hell….
….Is the Route of All Evil.
I removed all the bad food from my house….
….It was delicious.
My housekeeping style is best described as….
….”There appears to have been a struggle.”
In wine there is wisdom….
….In water there is bacteria. You decide.
People just write ‘Congrats’….
….Because they can’t spell ‘Congrajlashins.’
A procrastinator’s work….
….Is never done.
My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son starts dating….
….Apparently jealousy was the wrong answer.
I often question my sanity….
….Occasionally it replies.
A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare….
….She replied, “You’d only lose it.”
Who invented fractions?….
….Henry the 1/8th
I just memorized six pages of the dictionary….
….I know next to nothing.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol….
….Dignity is not one of them.
My stomach is flat….
….The L is silent.
My friend brags that his 3-D printer can print a gun….
….Big deal, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have a joke about fireflies….
….That most people say is brilliant.
My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed my teeth….
I said, “You should remember. You were there.”
This old-age stuff….
….Has come at a bad time of my life.
Anti-racism is when white people protest….
….Against other white people, for being white.
Archon's Den 