I Know My Comedy

I said to myself, “Self,” (and I knew it was me, because I recognized my voice, and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a great day!”

***

I’m sick of following my dreams.
I’m just going to ask them where they are going, and hook up with them later.

***

An elderly man is on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asks to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, boy. Just do your best. But remember … if it doesn’t go well and something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you.”

***

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

***

In light of recent police statements that they no longer feel it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries, I have taken down the American flag from beside the house, and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door.  We’ve disconnected our burglar alarm system and quit the Neighborhood watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags on eBay, and planted them in the front gardens, one at each corner, plus a black ISIS flag in the center.  Now the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and every other alphabet agency is watching the house 24/7.

We’ve never felt so safe, and we’re saving $49.99 a month.

***

A con man was arrested for selling bottles of a fluid that he claimed slowed the aging process.  One cop says to his partner, “We better check his record.  He may have tried this before.”  His buddy reports back, “You’re right.  He tried this in 1955, 1893, and 1831.”

***

Archon: “My girlfriend accused me of not being faithful to her.”

Friend: “What did you say to her?”

Archon: “I said, “What would make you think that? She said, ‘You seem to always hang around Rachael.”

Friend: “What happened?”

Archon: “Unfortunately, the voice from my closet said, “It’s Rochelle, not Rachael.”

***

There is nothing worse than hearing people attempt to sound intelligent by using big words, and MISUSING them.

I totally photosynthesize with this.

***

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember…Don’t sing!

***

An old farmer has a small orchard and is collecting fruit in a bucket. As he works his way back into the trees, he hears laughing and splashing coming from a pond behind the orchard. He doesn’t particularly like the idea of people on his property, so he goes to the pond to see who’s there. He suspects it’s college kids since there is a college nearby.
As he comes out from behind the trees, he sees a half dozen college girls are skinny-dipping in his pond. He clears his throat so they’ll know he’s there. The girls scream and swim out to the middle of the pond. “Go away!” they shout. “Are you spying on us? What are you doing here?” “Well,” the farmer answers slowly. “You see, I own this pond…” Then he holds up the bucket, “…and I came to feed the alligator.”

***

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life…

Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

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