British One-Liners

Do UK websites….
….Use biscuits instead of cookies?

Dear Naps….
….I’m sorry I was a jerk to you as a kid.

I used to cough to hide my farts….
….Now I fart to hide my coughs.

Becoming a vegetarian….
….Was a big missed steak.

Cremation is my last chance….
….For a smoking, hot body.

87% of gym members….
….Don’t know it’s closed.

There are three things that never lie….
….Children, drunks, and yoga pants.

I wish I was as thin….
….As my patience.

My school bully still takes my lunch money….
….On the upside, he makes great fries.

I’m in a band called Dyslexia….
….We just released our Greatest Shit album.

I have a step-ladder….
….I never knew my real ladder.

Boeing has invented an invisible airplane….
….I don’t see that taking off.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch….
….Yeti never complains.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list….
….Now we can’t read the list.

I don’t worry about being driven to drink….
….I worry about being driven home

Can those attending tonight’s Kinky Sex Anonymous meeting….
….Please use the rear entrance?

I asked 100 women what shampoo they preferred….
….Almost all of them asked, “How the Hell did you get in here?”

I went to a rave for blind people….
….And danced like no-one was watching.

I was never a very photogenic person….
….When everyone else said ‘Cheese,’ I said ‘Where?’

No matter how low I set the bar….
….Some people roll right under it.

The only substitute for good manners….
….Is fast reflexes.

I applied for a job as a waiter….
….I have a lot to bring to the table.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my den….
….I think it makes the place look classy.

If glassblowers inhale….
….Do they get a pane in the stomach?

Some people are so narrow-minded….
….That their ears rub together.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight….
….Unless you’re ready for the Reaper cushions.

***

Milestone:  This is my 1500th published post.

13 thoughts on “British One-Liners

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Cremation is my last chance as well.
    Fun grouping!
    👍

    Like

  2. rulesoflogic says:

    Congrats on 1,500 posts! I’m gaining on you, though; post #1,326 was published this morning. Even OCD is not all bad!

    https://disaffectedmusings.com

    Like

  3. Archon's Den says:

    I may pull away a bit again, soon. I have an extra comedy post ready for Mar. 14th – Pi-Day, and I’m going to Blog Every Day in April, so there’ll be another, 17 extra posts. 🙂
    If I can’t dazzle ’em with content, I’ll baffle them with bullshit. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    Congrats on 1,500 posts, Archon.

    Like

  5. Congratulations on your 1,500th post!!! I laughed out loud at that shampoo joke.

    Like

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