One I-Liners

How do you milk sheep?….
….Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Darwin told his son….
….You’re adapted.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” notice….
….That’s not right.  I’ve made a lot more errors than that.

My hands are consuming more alcohol….
….than my mouth.

If someone has sex on an airplane….
….Does it count as a flying fuck?

I once entered the World’s Kleptomaniac Championship….
….I took Gold, Silver, and Bronze

Infants don’t have nearly as much fun in infancy….
….As adults do in adultery.

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?….
….To get to the same side.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon-monoxide detector….
….The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

I’m considering a life of crime….
….I’m going to run for Governor

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?….
….A fish.

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food….
….I have no idea where sandwiches live.

Why do I always carry a knife??….
….The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things did not go well.

I’m not crazy….
….I prefer the term, mentally hilarious.

Cowboys don’t roll joints….
….They tumble weed.

I joined a support group for procrastinators….
….We haven’t met yet.

Dwarves and midgets….
….Have very little in common.

I joined a group for Tourette’s sufferers….
….It took four hours to get sworn in.

I was born a male, and identify as a male, but….
….according to Stouffer’s Lasagna, I’m a family of four.

Without freedom of speech….
….We wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

Some people are such treasures….
….You just want to bury them

Maybe broccoli doesn’t like you, either.

Welcome to the Assumption Club….
….I think we all know why we’re here.

I hate peer pressure….
….And so should you.

I wish more people….
….Were fluent in silence

If a pig loses its voice….
….Does that make it disgruntled??

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes….
….Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I am currently experiencing life….
….At several WTFs per hour.

13 thoughts on “One I-Liners

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha! Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. So many hit home. The procrastinator one seemed especially funny.

    Like

    • shimoniac says:

      I actually have a lanyard for my work keys that reads, “Procrastinators meeting, indefinitely postponed.”😃

      Liked by 1 person

      • Archon's Den says:

        I was going to ask to see that, but…… 😉 😳

        Like

      • 1jaded1 says:

        That’s awesome. I need to find or make something like that.

        For people at work who have the “I need everything now and you’re not getting to me fast enough” attitude, my mantra is, “I don’t procrastinate, I prioritize.” That usually makes them stop for a moment.

        Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      A club well suited to the COVID pandemic. 😯
      After two weeks of frenzy, John Erickson has subsided into silence again. I feel sorry for him, but I can do so little. I miss him. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • 1jaded1 says:

        I do too. I popped into his blog the other day just to make sure I didn’t miss a post. Hope he is doing ok.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Archon's Den says:

        Me too! He seemed fascinated with trollies, and our new street railroad. I took several photos of our ION, but only published one. I sent them, attached to an email, and a photo of the bus/trollies we had here 50 years ago, along with questions/prompts to share info about his current life, but I’ve got nothing back. 😦

        Like

  2. rulesoflogic says:

    “Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?….
    ….To get to the same side.”

    On an episode of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon Cooper gets drunk because he has stage fright at the prospect of giving a speech at a convention of scientists. During his “monologue,” he tells the joke about chickens and the Möbius strip. I loved The Big Bang Theory and can’t believe it’s been almost three years since the last original episode aired.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      We can’t watch shows like BBT, because the wife is so empathetic she gets embarrassed for any actor who makes a fool of themself. The very basis of comedy! I have watched much of BBT, including that clip, privately, on YouTube. 😆

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Rivergirl says:

    So many chuckles!
    👍

    Like

  4. I laughed out loud at the carbon monoxide joke.

    Like

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