I went to Pensitivity101’s country club, and asked if I could join. They said, Congratulations, you’re her new caddy. Apparently she worked the last one to death. I did come away with a lovely matched set of golf-based prompts to erect lies around.
- What is an Arnold Palmer?
It’s the new name for an old drink at country club bars. It contains rye and rum and vodka. It used to be called Panty Stripper. You promise her that you’ll give her a long stroke with a big club, but it’s usually just a short putt out. 😯 She said, “I’m tight.” He said, “I’m stiff.” And they were both liars.
2. What is a niblick?
That’s the name of the extra snack(s) I used to have at night, before my doctor said she might have to get out the defibrillator paddles if I didn’t cut back.
3. What is a mashie?
It’s the white, fluffy carbohydrate stuff that Scotsmen eat with their mushy peas and haggis.
4. What’s the difference between a hook and a slice?
A hook was also known as a boarding-house reach at mealtimes, back when families were large. You needed it to get your fair share of sliced ham or roast beef. While you were doing that, someone else was making off with the butter and rolls.
5. What name is given to a single hole score of three under par?
If you golf with me and my friends, it would be called a damned lie. Yell fore – take six – put down five. The only time I even got a birdie was when a pigeon flew across the fairway as I teed off.
6. What’s a bogey?
He was a 1930s and ‘40s film noir actor. If he could put up with Katherine Hepburn’s shrewish tongue in The African Queen, he wasn’t afraid of gold-stealing bandits with guns, in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!
7. What’s the difference between a regular golf course and an executive golf course?
The $100,000 per year membership fee, and not having to wait for and talk to the riff-raff.
8. What unique award is given to the winner of the Masters Tournament?
He gets his own, personal slave, complete with controlling No-Bark collar and leash. The year Tiger Woods won, he got a white, Joe Dirt redneck. Rumor is that Elin got him in the divorce settlement, and she’s very satisfied.
9. Why do golf balls have dimples?
So that you’ll pick them up and keep them with you when you find one. Aren’t they cute little dickens?? Their mother told them to smile, and they’d go far. 250 yards, Mom. Just not in a straight line.
10. What is the 19th hole?
That’s the porcelain god that you’ll wind up, lurched over and praying to in the washroom, if you spend more time at the clubhouse bar than you do out on the lynx. Oops, that’s a Canadian golf term. That should read ‘links.’