Straight Line To One-Liners

I went line dancing last night….
….Okay – roadside sobriety test – same thing.

Have you ever noticed ‘The” and “IRS”….
….spells “Theirs”?

Patience….
….What you have when there are too many witnesses.

If my body is ever found on a jogging trail….
….just know that I was killed somewhere else, and my body dumped there.

Forget world peace….
….Visualize using your turn signal.

Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers….
….Now they drink like their fathers

Damn right I’m good in bed….
….I can stay there all day.

Old age is when you still believe….
….you’re going to feel better in the morning.

Instead of a sign that says Do Not Disturb….
….I need one that says Already Disturbed!  Proceed with caution.

The wife and I had words….
….I just didn’t get to use mine.

Funny!!?….
….I don’t remember being absent-minded.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents….
….Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It was a whole lot easier to get older….
….than it was to get wiser.

It’s not hard to meet expenses….
….They’re everywhere!

I wish the buck really did stop here…..
….I could use a few of them.

Energiser bunny arrested….
….Charged with battery.

Early this morning, there was a tap on my door….
….My plumber has a strange sense of humor.

I just ate 12 pieces of KFC chicken….
…..It’s always been on my bucket list.

A shopkeeper told me to have a nice day….
….I didn’t – so I sued him.

The dumbest thing I ever did….
….was to become an adult.

I sympathize with batteries….
….I’m never included in anything, either.

All dogs are therapy dogs….
….The majority are just freelancing.

My wife’s not too smart.  I said, “Our kids are spoiled.”….
….She replied, “They all smell like that.”

Good Morning….
….I see the assassins have failed.

I took a urine test at the hospital today….
….My kleptomania is out of control.

If your outgo exceeds your income….
….then your upkeep will be your downfall.

A guy said to me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”….
….I replied, “No it doesn’t.”

Did you hear the rumor about butter?….
….Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

8 thoughts on “Straight Line To One-Liners

  1. shimoniac says:

    Yeah, I need that sign about already being disturbed and needing to proceed with caution. ⚠️ 😁 👍

    Like

  2. Rivergirl says:

    The IRS definitely considers ours theirs.

    Like

  3. I love all of these gems of wisdom and practical sense!

    Like

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    ((((Still laughing)))) the jogging trail, I’ll remember that 😅 Already disturbed. Proceed with caution 👍😝 My girls are spoilt too 🤣 The therapy dogs, thot the majority are fleadancing. Lol😝😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. spwilcen says:

    Great way to start the day – with laughter (at the queer truth of these) followed by tears (for the realty of these).

    Like

  6. […] found this post from Archon’s Den to be particularly funny. Here are some […]

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  7. […] Archon’s Den からのこの投稿 特に面白いこと。 […]

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