Holy One-Liners

 

TV evangelists….
….do more than lay people.

People treat me like a God….
….They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing….
….That can be a slippery slope.

The mailman just told me a joke….
….It wasn’t very funny, but he delivered it well.

When you die, people cry and beg you to come back….
….but when you do, there’s screaming and running.

Thieves stole twenty cases of Red Bull….
….I don’t know how these people can sleep at night.

My drug test came back negative….
….My dealer has some real explaining to do.

There’s no official training for trash collectors….
….They just pick things up as they go.

My wife wanted to learn to drive….
….I didn’t stand in her way.

The shinbone is a device….
….for locating furniture in a dark room.

I went to an acupuncturist….
….When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

Time may be a great healer….
….but it’s a lousy beautician.

Spiders are the only web designers….
….who are happy when they have a bug.

So, a burglar broke into the house….
….I put a red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.

If God had meant for us to vote….
….He would have given us candidates.


You read my doormat….
….That’s enough social interaction for today.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes….
….so she gave me a hug.

Day 12 without chocolate….
….Lost hearing in my left eye.

A dog accepts you as the boss….
….A cat wants to see your resume.

OOPS….
….Did I roll my eyes out loud?  😳

15 thoughts on “Holy One-Liners

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Ha! Great group. And thanks for the reminder to update my resume…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jim Wheeler says:

    I wondered if Rodney Dangerfield was really dead. You’re in touch with him, right?

    Like

  3. You go in for an MRI on your head…..
    And the attendant proclaims “There’s nothing here!” True story, turned out he mis-set the computer that drove the gimmick. Just what you want to hear when you’re lying flat on your back, freezing in a paper gown, with your head suing for divorce and WAY ahead on points (killer migraine) …..

    By the way, hello again – again. Yep, another computer, AGAIN. That, and resting up from a wild mood time of a 30th anniversary AND my Queen and Colonel-In-Chief dying. Lousy anniversary present, eh what?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      😳 😥
      My sincerest condolences.
      What has changed immediately? What must change in the near future? Do you wish to discuss it? You always have an ear here – or at least an email address. 😦

      Like

      • Um… not sure what you COULD change, unless ya wanna mail me a high-quality gaming laptop with Windows 7 (yes, something old). We were prepping for our 30th when we heard the Queen had died – major mood crusher, as both the wife and I are raging Anglophiles, and I actually swore military allegiance to Her Majesty during my WW2 re-enacting days, where for two years I was an honourary Coldstream Guardsman. (Look it up, it’s too bloody long to explain here. 😀 ) Otherwise, just the same stuff – deteriorating house, deteriorating body, and depending on the November elections, deteriorating country. So start getting that immigration paperwork together for me! (How far are you guys from lovely Hamilton, anyway?)

        Does that clarify anything? If it does, well, there’s a first time for everything! 😉

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        😳 Mentatus obscura

        Like

      • Yo no hablo Latin. It’s all Greek to me!

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        It just means that my brain is in the dark. Check your email. 😳

        Like

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    ((((Still laughing))) I shall embrace my mistakes too! 😝😅 Slay strong, my friend! Lol! 💪👻💪

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Daniel Digby says:

    When are you going to publish your Golden Treasury of Posts? It’s been over 70 years since Ogden Nashery’s Golden Trashery.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      It’s like Bob Seger said – What to leave in, what to leave out? I’ve been urged to collect and publish all my tales of growing up in a small town. If I did that, I’d also like to include some of my anti-religious rants…. And then there are a few decent 100-Word Flash Fictions, but many wouldn’t make much sense without the accompanying picture – and the rights to those are individually owned by dozens of bloggers. 😯 I guess if people wanna read my stuff, they gotta come to me. Thanx to you, and all others who do. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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