Hot One-Liners

I told my wife that I want to be cremated….
….She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

Measure twice….
….Cuss once.

I just heard a woodpecker….
….call me paranoid in Morse code.

You have to be odd….
….to be number one.

My brain has….
….too many tabs open.

Hmmm, that’s a bit harsh….
….Let me put LOL at the end of it.

When does hibernation start?….
….I’d like to participate this year.

The Grinch never hated Christmas….
….He hated people, which is fair.

My favorite party trick….
….is not going.

We never really grow up….
….We just learn how to act in public.

Sometimes I just want to tell my boss….
….Sorry, my mom said I can’t come.

Me: Eating….
….My white shirt: Let me taste it.

It’s weird being the same age….
….as old people.

Row, row, row your boat….
….gently away from me.

Would zombies consider….
….Olympic runners, fast food?

My backup plan is the original plan….
….but with margaritas and queso.

It’s way too peoply out there today.

I’ve never seen anyone jogging and smiling….
….That’s all I need to know about that.

I hate this snow….  No, I love this snow….
….Signed Bi-Polar Bear.

Life and beer are very similar….
….Chill for best results.

Just because you are offended….
….doesn’t mean you are right.



16 thoughts on “Hot One-Liners

  1. Newbloggycat says:

    ((((Still laughing))) be careful what you wish for 😜 Errr do you want to be scattered at sea after? 👻🤣 Good ones 👍😎😅

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rivergirl says:

    Woodpecker Morse code? Now I’m paranoid!


  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Know how to tell when you are really old? Women open the door for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
    When the chips are down, the buffalo move on.
    A friend in need is a real pain in the butt.
    If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress must be the opposite of progress
    If at first you don”t succeed, suck eggs.


  5. MumsiesTheName says:

    Hahaha! This is fab!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. johnlmalone says:

    these are rip snortingly good; not surprisingly, the line about jogging and smiling appealed 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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