I Bagged Another Fibbing Friday

Another mixed bag last week, and Pensitivity101 is still looking forward to reading what I eventually come up with for these.

  1. Why do we say it’s raining cats and dogs?

The cats aren’t too bad.  They have two kitty-litter trays to choose from, but after we receive snow (like last week), the dogs get more than a little reluctant to venture into the white wonderland of the back yard.  They’re not Huskies, but I expected better from Scottish Terriers.  A spray bottle of cleanser/disinfectant/deodorizer and some damp paper towels erase the problem, and the exercise helps keep me limber and thin.

  1. What is meant by ‘The elephant in the room?
    See #3, below.  A washroom trip would have paintings on the wall rattling, and pets on the floor and knick-knacks on end tables in danger.
  1. What is downsizing?

 It’s what I had to do, two years after retiring from a manual-labour job that burned 3000 calories a day.  I stopped working, but I didn’t stop eating.  When I sat around the house, I sat AROUND the house.  Non-resealable snack bags contained ONE serving.

4. What is a Panto Dame?

She’s a good-looking, sexually-attractive, surgically-enhanced, plastic-filled, living, breathing Barbie-doll chick who has all the young bucks huffing and puffing, and slobbering all over.  We older guys don’t get so worked up anymore, we’re a little more restrained, not because we’ve got more couth, but because sad experience has shown that – like a dog chasing a car – even if we caught one, we’re not allowed to operate it.  And we’re out of gas.

5. What is pumpernickel?

It’s a geriatric retiree, living on a fixed-income Government pension, but hooked on gambling and casinos, plugging five-cent coins into the cheapest slot machine faster than a stoner flushing his stash when the Drug Squad comes to visit.

6. What’s the difference between poison ivy and poison oak?

It’s a matter of height.  If you get an itchy rash around your feet and ankles, that’s poison ivy.  Poison oak is when you get it up around the twigs and berries, and spend a fortune on calamine lotion.  👿

7. What is a plimsoll line?

It’s a ‘Time gentlemen, please’ offer, sometimes heard down at the Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell pub at closing time.

8. What are waffles?

They are unethical politicians (are there any other kind?), who will say anything and everything to get re-elected.  I support LGBTQThey’re a bunch of perverts. There should be an increase in the minimum wage.  These unchecked unions will bankrupt the country.

9. How can you beat inflation?

I tried to do it with 18” of broken rake handle.  The judge said that, if I obey the peace bond, and never enter that supermarket again, after a year, my conviction for assault on the grocer will be expunged.

10. What is catsup?

It’s this handsome fellow here, who sits outside my bedroom door at 4 AM, to loudly announce that he feels he should be fed.  😳

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16 thoughts on “I Bagged Another Fibbing Friday

  1. Next time you try to beat inflation, use a longsword. It’s more permanent, doesn’t break as easily, and leaves fewer potential witnesses/victims. Isn’t catsup the tomato sauce Koreans use on dogs? And the raining cats and dogs thing is simple – it’s because you screech like a cat when you step in a poodle. 😉 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • Archon's Den says:

      The rake handle is real. I’ve had it for years. I used to take it certain places when I worked as a security guard. The rest, as they say, is history mystery bullshit creative writing. 😉 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rake handle? Naw, whatcha need is about 30″ of oak dowel, somewhere between 2 and 3 inches in diameter. Take a rat tail file, and file some shallow grooves in one hand, sort of a handle. Then, drill out the other end with a 1/2″ drillbit to a depth of 3-4 inches, and fill it with molten lead. My dad made a couple on his lathe (no file needed in that case), carried them around in the family cars, and only used one once, when some idiot actually tried to carjack our Vega. Doofus grabbed at the top of the open window, Dad whacked his hand (didn’t break the window – GM makes good stuff), and the guy disappeared. My dad filed a police report just in case, and got a call a couple days later from the police. They arrested the idiot when he showed up at a hospital with 4 broken fingers!

        Me, I prefer one of my WW1 British bayonets. Flash 18″ of cold steel, and bad guys suddenly need to be somewhere else in a BIG hurry! 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Loved #4 and #9. Thanks for joining in. See you next time!

    Like

  3. should read in…………. sorry!!

    Like

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    Lol! …not allowed to operate and out of gas! 😝😂 Ahh the catsup! 😜🤣 Ketchup soon! 😆👻

    Like

  5. Garfield Hug says:

    Thanks for a hilarious ” education” – always enjoy reading your posts! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving meal – Garfield hugs!

    Like

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