Legal To Drink On Fibbing Friday

I received a parcel via courier the other day.  I thought that it might be the sea monkeys that I had ordered from Amazon, but it was another batch of Fibbing Friday prompts from Pensitivity101.

1. What is a humdinger?

Someone once asked Monica Lewinski if she’d ever taken it into her head to make money.  She replied that Bill Clinton had never paid her.  Most of us know that a Hummer is not only a gas-guzzling penis surrogate.  With a humdinger, the added fillip is digital anal insertion at the moment of truth.  It really adds something – or so I’m told.  No wonder she has a stain on that blue dress.

2. What is Hopscotch?

It’s a little dance I do on my way to the washroom (More of a stagger and stumble, than hop) over all the Legos and stuffed toys in the living room, after I’ve had one or two – or twelve – Glenfiddich, to wind down from another day of COVID mandate lockdowns.

Singer Bobbie Goldsboro had to go to Emergency, and get three stitches in his big toe, after he stumbled into a small pile of dried Rice Krispies, milk, and far too much sugar, that his son had dripped off the coffee table while watching morning cartoons.

3. What is Boeuf Bourguignon?

She is Shia LeBoeuf’s mother.  She has been underwhelmed by his movie portrayals, and is so disappointed and embarrassed that she is going back to her maiden name.

4. What is a Lady In Waiting?

She could be any one of the professional party girls from either of the local universities who attended the drunken orgies St. Patrick’s Day or Homecoming street parties.  I’ve peed on this stick, and I need to know if there’s one blue line, or two!  😯

5. What is a lupin?

Canada has a Francophone Federal opposition party politician named Pierre Poilievre, whose name translates roughly to pea-picker – like Tennessee Ernie Ford used to say,  “Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart.”  Lupins are members of the pea-plant family.  How many peas can a pea-pickin’ politician pick while waiting for his Golden Handshake??!

6. What is brimstone?

For twenty years, the wife and I were deliriously happy.  Then we met.  Brimstone was the one in her engagement ring.  Once I had presented that to her, my life began circling the outer ring of Dante’s Hell, just like the remains of yesterday’s burrito dinner going down the toilet.  I could have married anyone I pleased, but apparently I never pleased anyone.

When we got married, the wife and I agreed that I would handle all the big problems, while she took care of the small stuff.  In over 50 years of marriage, I have never had to make a major decision.  The wife says that I have to go now, because I’m getting too maudlin – and the cat-litter tray needs to be cleaned out.  😉

7. What is a Lady’s Slipper?

It’s the see-through part of Cinderella’s costume that the Prince got to keep.  I’m not sure how.  At the stroke of midnight, the horses turned back into mice, and the coach reverted to being a pumpkin.  Why didn’t the dropped shoe change back into an eggplant??!

8. How long can a snail sleep?

I can’t get mine to sleep.  He keeps racing across the floor and up the walls, harassing the dogs.  I should never have kept one as a pet in my meth lab.

9. Up to 1 trillion germs can be found on which part of the body?

Donald Trump’s tongue.   😛  Did you see how many ‘Good Christian’ asses he had to kiss to get into power??!  And then, when a reporter asked him what his favorite Bible verse was, he couldn’t articulate one, because God shut his tongue down, so that he could not blaspheme.

10. What is a Puffling?

It’s an old, out-of-shape guy like me, whose two life-long hobbies have been to add pounds of weight, (Kilos, for those readers in Metric countries) and years of age. (Years, for those readers in Metric countries)   The only thing I run now, is my tongue.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  I get winded just changing my mind.  It’s a good thing that I don’t do it often.  I’m not opinionated – it’s just that I’m always right.

Someone asked me if I was the King of Non-Sequiturs.  I couldn’t answer because I was busy delivering  a completed Fibbing Friday post to Pensitivity101 that was so old that I needed Indiana Jones to help me dig it up.

Flash Fiction #291

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

HAPPY  NEW YEAR!

With the fervent hope that that wish may be better realized than last year’s similar one.

2022 exits as it entered, with many of us still exiled and isolated in our homes.  The streets and shops are empty.  Merchants pray for trade, and only the likes of FedEx and Door-Dash delivery drivers, courting sickness and death, keep the economy limping along.

Things will improve.  Here’s a happy helping of confidence, and an optimistic quote from the Little Engine, who says, “I know we can!  I know we can!”

Let’s make it a great year, fellow Friday Fictioneers.

***

If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100-word story.

Dr. Who’s Questions

The Doctor (He doesn’t say, ‘of what.’) claims that he just wants to ask some respectful questions of Atheists – no trick or gotcha ones.  He wants to amass the information, and sift and sort it, to produce a published report.  When asked when he might submit it, and to whom, he was delightfully vague.

He and his wife were Atheists, until each of them had a revelation from the Christian God, and they became Jews For Jesus.  His questions natter on and on – and on, full of presuppositions and leading statements.  Another blogger graciously simplified the list, although I included part of his number six, for context and clarity.  I thought I’d have a go at them.

• Is Your Atheism Based on Study or Experience? …

Yes!, to both.  As young as seven or eight, I regarded stories that started with “In The Beginning” to be no more believable than those that began, “Once Upon A Time.”  I didn’t realize until I became an adult myself, that other children, and adults, took them seriously.  I became curious enough to begin a long-term investigation.  I spent a great deal of time looking at arguments for or against God’s existence, and eventually had to conclude that there just wasn’t any evidence for God that stood up to examination.

• Do You Have Purpose and Destiny? …

Yes.  I have had many ‘Purposes,” and will probably have more before I die, but each of them was created and affixed by me, or those close to me, not by some supernatural entity.  I believe that I have a destiny.  It’s just that I am not enough of a fortune-teller to see far enough into the future to get a clear glimpse of what it might be.

• Does God Exist? …

This might seem a strange question to be asking of Atheists.  In the original long-winded version, he wanted Atheists to provide total, complete, 100% proof, that there was absolutely no chance that God exists.  This is the philosophical equivalent to home invasion.  There are almost no things that can be utterly proved not to exist.  He appeared to want a tiny gap, where he could wedge his definition of God into.  I consider the possibility of God existing, only slightly more likely than the existence of a married bachelor.

• Can Science Explain the Origin of Life? …

Science has explained the origin of life!  There is one major, largely-accepted (by biologists and related scientists) theory, and a couple of minor variations.  They all entail the chemical soup present in early Earth seas, with geothermal energy and solar radiation fueling and mutating the chemical reactions, until self-replicating RNA strands evolved upward to cells and DNA.  All that free energy powered the increasing DNA complexity.

• Have You Questioned Your Atheism? …

Constantly and continuously!  I have never been convinced that I can’t be wrong.  Over the years I have done considerable reading and study.  Now, with YouTube, I can watch debates and lectures.  Atheism is merely the lack of belief in God/gods – the failure by theists to provide sufficiently convincing evidence.  (See above) With all the research and investigation that I have done, I continue not to be convinced that God is guilty of existing.

• Are You Materialistic? …
  Are you completely materialistic in your mindset, meaning, human beings are entirely physical, human consciousness is an illusion, and there is no spiritual realm of any kind?

First, a pedantic language lesson, I think that phrasing should be ‘are you a materialist?’. ‘Materialistic’ refers to someone who prioritizes obtaining money and possessions!  I believe that humans, and all else within our Universe, are material.  I don’t think it makes much sense to say that consciousness is an illusion.  I think a more accurate phrasing of the materialist position on consciousness would be that it’s the product of material things/physical laws.  I continue to see no evidence of a spiritual realm of any kind, except in the hopes and dreams of the gullible.  I do not believe in tarot, Ouija boards, crystals, ghosts, mind-reading, fortune-telling, or a miracle-producing God.

• Would You Be Willing to Follow the God of the Bible?

It depends which part of the Bible you’re talking about when you say ‘God of the Bible’.

From reading the earlier part of the Old Testament, I remember a god laden with petty jealousy, orchestrating hideous mass deaths, with archaic views on rape and slavery and some strange gaps in his scientific knowledge. The existence of this god would be bad news.

In the later part of the Old Testament, I glimpsed a different and better kind of god; the god of Ezekiel 18 and similar passages, expecting us to take personal responsibility but also willing to see our virtues and our efforts and to judge us fairly. The existence of this god would be good news, and, yes, I would follow and honor him.

In the New Testament, we get the most hideous god of all; the one who condemns all non-Christians to an eternity of torment, who blames the Jews for sticking to the laws that He himself strictly instructed them to keep to forever, who expects us to overlook the ways he acted back in the early books, and who tries to convince us that all these things are really signs of great love and concern on his part. The existence of this god would be terrible news. And, to answer the question, I could never honor such a god, and while I suppose I’d follow him because ‘Or burn in hell’ isn’t really much of an option, it would never be willingly.

’22 A To Z Challenge – T

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my continuing program of offering as little useful information as possible, I present another little present from my Scottish heritage – not a Tartan, but a

TARTLE

Scottish dialect: a hesitation when introducing someone, because you forgot their name,
What does “pardon my tartle” mean?

From Scottish, it is also; to hesitate in recognizing a person or thing, as happens when you are introduced to someone whose name you cannot recall; so you say, “Pardon my tartle!”  They have you, coming, and going.

If you are wondering – as I do – where I get all this useless minutia, we can blame the wife’s Italian forebears.  The Romans had gods and goddesses for just about everything.  One of their lesser goddesses was

TRIVIA

Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

Trivia
Trivia, the Roman goddess of crossroads and guardian of roads. Her name is derived from the Latin word ‘Trivia’ meaning “three ways” from ‘tri’ meaning three and ‘via’ meaning way or road. In Latin, ‘trivialis’ appertained to the crossroads where three roads met, which came to be known, in towns, as the ‘trivium’, or the public place. As the guardian of roads, she watched over the public paths and roads and protected travelers. She was also recognized in three aspects as part of a triad of goddesses consisting of Trivia, Luna the moon goddess and Diana the goddess of the hunt.

While you rest your probably aching brain, I’ll get a little loony with Diana, and hunt up a theme for Wednesday’s post.

***

Bonus Trivia

Where it says, “all this useless minutia,” above, Grammar Checker wants me to write, “this entire minutia,” which is not the same thing at all.  😛

Supply-Chain Fibbing Friday

Pensitiviy101 passed the buck again.  Questions this past week were supplied by Jim Adams @ https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jim!

Early Humans

1. What are Neanderthals?

They are the white-skinned descendants of ancient caveman savages – with very little evolution or improvement.  They are hairy, loud, thoughtless and inconsiderate.  Good Queen Bess II once referred to them as jumped-up oiks.  They wear their pants pulled down so far that their underwear hangs out – We’re probably lucky that they wear any, and that it’s clean, not gigantic plumber’s cracks.  They listen to rap music, while Negroes point and laugh at them, and think they’re Bad Boys.

2. Why did man settle in the Euphrates Valley?

Mankind found a peyote-like shrub, and the best bud – after they discovered fire to smoke it with.  When Manolito set up a taco wagon, selling Mexican food and cervezas, they all decided to just sit back and chill out.

3. What caused the Ice age?

I’m not sure.  I remember my Mother yelling at me to close the refrigerator door.  No-one has put any new food in it since you last checked, five minutes ago!  At the same time, my Father was yelling at my Brother, “Close the damned front door!  We can’t afford to heat the entire neighbourhood!”

4. What kind of water is in the Yellow River?

The Isle of Dogs sits in the middle of it – lots of trees – lots of dogs – you do the math – just don’t eat yellow snow.

5. What is the world’s oldest city?

I believe that it’s Tampa, Florida, where the average age is 92.683 years, blue hair is as common as fire ants, and they all eat some strange poultry dish called the Early Bird.

6. Why did the Nile River rise every summer, overflow its banks, and flood Egypt?

Simple physics!  Heat causes thing to expand.  The summer is even hotter, so the water expanded.  The sand dunes got bigger too, but no-one noticed.  If you’ve seen one sand dune, you’ve seen…. Egypt.  😳

7. Who invented soap?

Many people think that it was Proctor and Gamble, but it was really a Wall Street advertising firm whose name has been lost in the mists of time a froth of bubbles, and a blizzard of hundred-dollar bills in promotional fees.  Duz does everything, and Ajax was stronger than dirt.

8. Why did Nimrod build the Tower of Babel?

He said that it was to get a better Wi-Fi connection, but I heard that his wife told him the mother-in-law was coming for an extended visit, and he needed someplace peaceful and quiet to re-string his bow.  (If you think that’s a euphemism for something, you’re probably phallically right.)

9. Who is the Scorpion King?

Duh-Wayne Johnson!  Didn’t you see the movie??  He’s taking over Chuck Norris’s spot.  Someone asked him how he got the nickname, ‘The Rock?’  He took a run at a lake, and skipped 15 times.

10. Why was the Great Pyramid built?

It was a practice session for I. M. Pei, for that monstrosity he inflicted on the Louvre and its patrons.  I don’t see the point of either.  He says that it’s because I’m too small.

From Bad To Worse

Heeeere’s John E.  This is a tribute to the pride of Chicago – a man so impressive that he was born three days before Christ.  He said that he had no trouble turning 50.  He’s done it 10 times.  Happily Birthday!  😀 I wish him many more, but I want “Quality Of Life” to go along with that wish.

This is the man who put the ILL in Illinois, to the point where they forced offered him a free lifetime citizenship in South Turnipville, Ohio.  Older bloggers have seen his muddy footprints in their posts for years.  They can be distinguished from Sasquatch footprints by the fact that there are two left feet.

The (at least temporary) ouster of Donald Trump, has removed a pain in his ass, but as the age counter inexorably ticks upward, he has accumulated aches and pains elsewhere – migraines, and rheumatizz.

Bureaucrats at all levels are rushing to be at the forefront of the Woke movement.  To solve the problem of opioid overdoses and addiction, the DEA raided the offices of the only pain-management doctor – a physiatrist – in a large section of Kentucky.  Aha, you’re prescribing thousands of pills!  That’s dealer level!  He protested that he had hundreds of patients in extreme pain, careful, complete documentation, and justification.  Doesn’t matter!  We’re shutting you down, and seized his computers, files and stock.

A pharmacist in Virginia refused to fill an opioid prescription for a woman in final cancer stage, because he didn’t want her to become addicted.  Her adult daughter came in and screamed at him that her mother was in final stage, in constant, debilitating pain, that the medication had been legally prescribed, that her mother would be dead long before she ever became addicted, and if she wasn’t, addiction would be the least of her worries, and that if he didn’t perform his legally-mandated function, she would sue his ass.  Even then he wouldn’t do it without a signed waiver form.

My daughter is in a similar situation, not for any ethical or moral reason, but because the Provincial Government has wasted so much money on projects like paving over fertile farmland, to build unwanted, unneeded highways, that they’ve cut back on benefits to the vulnerable.  They wouldn’t replace her power wheelchair until a local manager raised a huge fuss.  I used to drive her 75miles to get xylocaine pain-med infusion – and met others who had driven 150 miles.  Too expensive the government said.  Go to one of the now-legal cannabis dispensaries, and pay for you own CBD oil, that doesn’t work anywhere near as well.

Johnny-In-A-Spot – Dear John – Big Bad John’s doctor, possibly worried about the same thing, recently sloughed him off to a local pain clinic, who told him that they had also stopped providing any opioids.  Dear Big Government, thanx for saving us from ourselves.  We’d like to remember your care and concern for us at the next election, but those of us still alive won’t be able to reach the polls.

I baked John a special birthday cake with a surprise ingredient – some oxycontin pills that ‘fell off the back of a truck’, near my dealer’s place.  This getting old is a real pain.

Un/Covered

A Mennonite bonnet, a Muslim hijab: Why do many of us feel differently about them?

A Toronto, Muslim, assimilation-assisting group recently brought an assortment of hijabs, niqabs, and burkas, and installed them beside bonnets, caps and snoods, in the local Mennonite Museum, as a prompt for debate and discussion, with the above question.

As with so many other things, each of these sets is far more than what it merely appears to be, women’s head-coverings.  Each of them is representative – a sort of visual shorthand – of an entire subculture.  Here in Canada, we have had 200 years to accustom ourselves to what Mennonites are, peaceful, law-abiding and reserved.

Sadly, after 50 years of immigration, the same cannot be said of all Muslims.  There is no Mennonite jihad – a drive to force the world to obey its tenets.  There is no published agenda to establish a Mennonite Caliphate.  Mennonites don’t put people in cages and drown them, or throw them off tall buildings, or burn them alive, or blow their heads off with explosive cord.

In many people’s minds, these actions and attitudes are represented – at least condoned – by these head coverings.  If you come to Canada to be Canadian, don’t continue to wave the bullfighter’s red cape that reinforces the Us and Them stance, and expect to be accepted.

Like many Muslim women, Conservative Amish and Mennonite women wear an bonnet in obedience to the Biblical commands given in 1 Tim. 2:9-15, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and Titus 2:3-5 that a Christian woman should be discreet, chaste, modest, sober-minded, in subjection, (Emphasis mine) meek and quiet, and shamefaced.

A local Mennonite lady took offence at the printed statement that such headwear was a symbol of oppression.  Her Op-Ed letter read, “I read with interest the article by the female columnist.  I am a Mennonite woman who wears a head covering, and I was disappointed the real reason we wear them was not explained.  Mennonites are Bible-believing Christians, and we believe the head-covering is a God-ordained requirement for a Christian woman.

I find it offensive that the Mennonite head covering is seen as a symbol of oppression.  There may be some such cases, but I am convinced that the majority of Mennonite women feel very secure and protected, and not oppressed.

In society, it is perfectly acceptable for businesses to have people with different levels of authority, from CEOs, down to janitors.  A business functions best this way and we believe that a marriage also functions best when we follow God’s pattern for it.  This is for the man to have the leadership role, and the woman to be his helpmeet.  My head covering is a symbol of that headship order.  I find it unfortunate that the Mennonite woman’s head covering is so misunderstood.”

I don’t think that there’s much misunderstanding.  This just an updated version of The Scarlet Letter.  I feel badly for her.  I respect her – just not her beliefs.  From an objective, external viewpoint, this has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.  She might be accepting, even happy, with the order of things in her (religious) life, but probably because she’s undergone the Stockholm Syndrome conditioning..  She may have been convinced, or convinced herself, that this mind-set is valid.

Only children’s bonnets may be bright and gay.
Those of mature women must be plain and drab.

Even if it were, like the displays of burkas, etc. just flaunt the I’m-better-than-you, Holier-Than-Thou belief, she’s setting up another Us vs. Them situation, and doing neither group much good.

***

Airhead Humor

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.  He remembered what his father had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what was going on. The airhead explained what Dad said.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

***

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

***

I got in trouble at a DUI roadblock.  I was too damned polite.  I asked the nice police officer if he would hold my beer while I fished out my licence and registration.

***

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.  I thought, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.”  Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

***

My Grandpa died peacefully.  He was a religious man and my good friend Michael inquired if I had found a Bible amongst his possessions.  I said that I had.  He asked me if I knew the publisher.  I told him that I thought it was Guten-something or other!

His eyes lit up and with a trembling voice he asked if it was Gutenberg?  I confirmed it was and he excitedly asked if he could see it, as it would be very valuable, because it was one of the first printed Bibles.  I told him I had given it to a charity shop and it would have been worthless as some smart-Alec named Martin Luther had written notes all over it!

***

A couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary which garnered a lot of attention from their community. In fact, a local news reporter showed up to the celebration and was surprised by how healthy and lively the 90-somethings were. After the couple finished dancing to swing music, the reporter started asking the husband questions.

When the reporter asked how the 97-year-old had maintained such good health, the husband smiled. “I give the credit to my wife,” he explained. “When we first got married, we agreed that whenever we argued, the loser would have to walk 2 miles – a mile away from the house and a mile back. I’ve been walking 2 miles a day almost every day for most of my married life.”

The reporter replied, “That’s amazing! But what about your wife? I understand she’s 92, and she’s in great shape too.”

“Well, you see,” began the husband, “she’s been following me that whole time to make sure I really finish those 2 miles.”

Eight Teen Fibbing Fridays

Every time I publish one of these, Pensitivity101 emails me a calendar.  Ever since that Mayan one didn’t work, I don’t really care anymore.  Procrastination is the only project that I’ve ever started on time.  And now, without further adieu, here’s another friggin’ Fibbing Friday list.

1.What kind of dog was Lassie?

Lassie was a boy dog with a girl’s name.  Because of that, he was a lightning-rod for, and the local distributor of, bad luck and karma.  Timmy got lost in the woods??  Lassie was there.  Timmy fell down a well??  Lassie was there.  Timmy was trapped in a burning barn??  Lassie was there!  I’d have traded him in for a hedgehog, or at least got his name legally changed.

2. Who was Toto’s owner?

He was the mascot for the band, Kansas.  He was even smart enough to play drums for them for a while, but he lost his edge, and started dogging it, and they had to let him go.  They said, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

3. What breed of dog was Beethoven?

He was a Dutch Chocolate Labrador Retriever.  He had a minor role in the movie, Amadeus.  He played a harpsichord – but it took a lot of prosthetics and makeup.

4. Who was Goofy’s best buddy?

I was, for a while.  We were both in that Dumb And Dumber movie together, but the string on our tin-can telephone broke, and he never calls me anymore.

5. How many dogs starred in The Incredible Journey?

None!  They both think that they were stars, but it was really the cat that made the movie.  Without his wise guidance, Arf and Woof would still be wandering around, looking for a fire hydrant.  Focus guys!  Focus!

6. What made Superdog super?

He ate some chili con carne that Walter White made up, on the TV series, Breaking Bad, the day of “the incident.  Between the hot peppers and the meth, ANYTHING was possible – higher, faster, longer.

7. What is meant by Dogma?

That is narrow-minded, non-critical-thinking claims made by religious fundagelicals.  My Karma ran over their Dogma.

8. What is ‘flyball’?

That’s the mess of insects that you accumulate when you hang sticky insect strips in the cheap two-week vacation cottage that you rent.

9. Who introduced ‘WALKIES!’ into their training programmes?

The now-ex-pitching coach of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.  The strike zone is 17 inches wide, and about two feet high.  Would it be too much to ask, to get the guys to put the ball through that, once in a while??  They were giving so many opponents a base on balls, that it looked like the world’s slowest conga line.

10. What is frontline used for?

That’s a product also known as Invisible Fence.  It’s a cable that you bury at the edge of your property, which emits a radio signal.  You put a collar on your dog with a receiver.  If he/she gets too close, they get tasered behind the ear.  Now, if I could just slip a couple of those on that Jehovah’s Witness pair who keep waking my dogs and me on Saturday mornings….

Time Hobbles On

Growing “Older”
How many do you identify with??

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me (sobbing): “I can’t see you anymore — I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
My physical exercise instructor (exasperated): “But you did only one sit-up.”

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being senior is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’m lazy. The truth is, I’m just being energy efficient.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, that once you get old you to stop being polite and start being honest.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the COVID vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?  😕