Wishing For One-Liners

What do you call those things you blow, and make a wish?….
….Oh yeah, breathalyzers.

I take my wife everywhere….
….but she always finds her way back.

I made a killing on Wall Street….
….I shot my broker.

My neighbors are a fastidious couple….
….She’s fast, and he’s hideous.

My Dad was the town drunk….
….Lots of times, that’s okay – but New York City?

My wife was in the beauty shop for two hours yesterday….
….That’s just for the estimate.

Not all men are homeless….
….but some are home less than others.

I complained to my psychiatrist that nobody listens to me….
….He said, “Next.”

When you breathe, you inspire….
….When you don’t breathe, you expire.

I joined an online dating service for arsonists….
….They send me 30 new matches every week.

When you mix quick-drying cement….
….there are many hard and fast rules.

I’m on the rotation diet….
….Every time I turn around I eat.

My date last night wanted to go someplace expensive….
….so I took her to a gas station.

I lost my job as a stencil maker this week…
…I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.

Last week I got fired for eating chips on the job….
….now none of the other casinos will hire me either.

Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy….
….Getting up off the floor is another matter.

The first thing I notice when someone approaches me….
….The audacity.

My grandma reached 100 today….
….That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

The wife asked, “Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?”….
….Apparently, “It’s just you.” was the wrong answer.

The first rule of The Condescending Club is really complex….
….I don’t think you’d understand it, even if I explained it to you.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid….
….I thought you already knew.

I’m getting older, and I need glasses….
….glasses of beer – glasses of wine.

I do whatever the voices….
….in my wife’s head tell me to.

😳

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25 thoughts on “Wishing For One-Liners

  1. That was just the chuckle I needed today. The wife, “Is it just me…” had me rolling.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rivergirl says:

    These are always so good. I need to memorize some for future use…
    👍

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been dreaming about being a teepee and a wigwam. My doctor says I should relax, I’m too tense (2 tents).

    I’ve been trying to weatherproof my windows. What a pane!

    And for a taste of reality, we found a kitten on our doorstep a couple Christmases ago. So of course. we named her Sandy. Sandy …. Claws. (Boo! Ugh!) 😉 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      You been readin’ my Cliff’s Notes again? 🙂

      Like

      • Cliff notes? Yeah, there’s a small rise behind my house, but I wouldn’t call if a CLIFF, and I sure don’t need any notes … what’s that? … oh, oh, THOSE kind of Cliff Notes ….. 😉

        Like

    • 1jaded1 says:

      So funny, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me, funny? Well, thanks, but you know looks aren’t everything. 😀

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        Don’t encourage him, or he’ll end up like me. 😉 😆
        Or possibly worse – move back to Chicago. 😳

        Like

      • Oh, trust me, going back to Chicago would make me VERY happy, but wouldn’t change me in the least. You can take the boy out of Chicago, but you can’t take Chicago out of the boy. As my lung scans will clearly indicate… (*cough* *hack*). Nuthin’ like 30+ years of bus and jet exhaust to make a body strong – or asthmatic. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

    • 1jaded1 says:

      It hasn’t changed. Lungs get polluted from all kinds of things. Somehow the sewer covers seem exta gaggy lately with what they spew. Good to see you, J.E.. Haven’t been around much and I have to make that change.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nice to see you, as well. In my days downtown, the sewer covers usually only belched steam and (occasionally) flood waters. The curbs always had that neat mix of salt, water, grime, and …. something in the wintertime, even when the temp hit negative numbers. Ah, Chicago in January when the daily high is -26 degrees, before the wind chill. God, I miss my city! (That, and being at the lakefront when sea and sky are the same colour, the mist is freezing on the rocks, and you can barely stand up in the face of the wind. Bliss!)

        Sorry I haven’t haunted you. For my own mental health’s sake, I had to take a sabbatical, then finally worked up the courage to try one blog. And Archon was the winner! (Kinda like Hiroshima was the winner of First Nuclear Bombed City.) Maybe I’ll come haunt you sometime, for old time’s sake. 😯 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Newbloggycat says:

    (((((Still laughing)))) breathalyzers!!!! 😝👻 when you don’t breathe, you expire! 😵‍💫😈😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The rotation diet is a really funny joke.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    I never post anymore. We can keep meeting at Archon’s place if he doesn’t mind. I hope you are doing ok.

    Like

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