Fishing For One-Liners

I’m not a catch….
….I’m a catch and release.

Give me ambiguity, or….
….give me something else.

I was a real dude before I got married….
….Now I’m subdued.

I was attacked by a herd of cows….
….I’m okay.  I was just grazed.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork….
….Think I nailed it.

Smile….
….It irritates the Hell out of people who want to destroy you.

Zombies….
….hate fast food.

You look like….
….I need another drink.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?….
….Yeah, me neither.

By the time I get used to how old I am….
….I’m ten years older than that.

Do I put down my age in Earth years….
….or joint pain?

I’m not saying I’m old, but….
….I just had to increase my font size to “Billboard.”

Three Senators walked into a bar….
….and nothing happened.  Ever!

Retirement….
….The staycation to end all staycations.

People who know the least….
….always seem to know it the loudest.

Give me coffee to change the things I can….
….and wine to accept those that I can’t.

Don’t play poker with an origami expert….
….All they do is fold.

Nowadays, the problem with letting myself go….
….is getting myself back.

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

Never stop being a good person….
….because of bad people.

I hate peer pressure….
….and so should you.

If I was music….
….I’d be a single.

I’m havin’ a crappy day….
….Please send cute pics of your credit card.

It’s amazing how different booty calling….
….and butt dialing are.

***

I just read on MSNBC that actor, Jeremy Renner had been seriously injured in a snowplough accident.  Thousands of Americans are now confused.  What the Hell is a snowplug, and how do you get hurt by one??  PLOUGH??!  On MSNBC??!  Who do they think they are?  The BBC?  😕