Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. “Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten” he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: “You know the person that did this really needs help.”
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: “Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.”
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk.
“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”
A classic is a book that everyone wants to have read, but nobody wants to read.
Hamish Farquarson the 3rd of Old Lothian died and left his wife £50,000 with the instructions
‘’Spend it on a lavish funeral and a memorial stone’’
At the wake the wife’s sister asked how much of the money she had spent.
‘’All of it’’ replied the wife…’’Just like he instructed, ’£10k on the funeral and wake and £40k on the memorial stone’’
‘’Blimey’’ replied the wife’s sister….’’£40k – how big is it’’?
‘’Oooh, about 7.5 carats’’ replied the wife
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many per day?
Woman: How much do you pay for the beer?
Man: About $5 each, including tip.
Woman: How long have you been drinking?
Man: About twenty years.
Woman: Three beers a day equates to $450 per month, or $5400 per year. In twenty years, that totals $108,000.
Man: Sounds about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you had put that money in a bank account, after interest, you would have had enough to buy an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your fucking airplane?
A memorial stone? Hmm….
Can’t pick a fave. The stamp one was funny. The airplane one too!
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The memorial stone reminds me of a true story from back in the late 80’s. A workmate was looking for a car, and found an ad for a 2-yr old Toyota Supra for $100! He called the woman, and she said she had the car, first come first served. He got there to find the car sold, so he asked what the deal was? (A Supra should’ve brought well over $10k.) The woman told him “My husband and I got divorced, and we had to split all proceeds, including selling the car. So I figured I could get nicely drunk on $50.”
Guess the motto is, you can make love to your wife, but don’t ever screw her! 😉 😀
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