Dog-Gone Humor

Two dogs were walking together down the street, when they were passed by another dog, driving a truckload of logs.
One dog turned to the other and said, “He started out just fetching a stick, and built up the business from there.”

***

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?”
The blonde said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”
The cop looked at her and said, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener!”

***

My doctor told me that jogging would add years to my life, so I started yesterday.  He was right.  When I finished, I felt ten years older.

***

Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.

***

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

***

My friend keeps saying:
“Cheer up, man.  Things could be worse.  You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

***

The new prisoner told his cellmate, “I won’t be in here long.” The veteran replied, “I dunno. Didn’t the judge give you six years?” “Yeah, but I know my wife’ll break me out. She’s never let me finish a sentence yet!”

Substitute Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 said thanks to Marla for providing our words last week.

What do you think these are/mean?

1. Bumfuzzle

It’s a great word to describe some of the more inept police officers.  The type who drops his doughnut in the car park, and then drives off with his paper cup of coffee on the roof.

2.  Gardyloo

With two Scottie dogs, and two cats, we have to latch the WC door during periods of constipation contemplation.  It’s difficult to concentrate on the business at hind, with two pair of beady eyes staring at you, or trying to Stand and Deliver with a cat stropping your ankles.

3.  Taradiddle

When I should have been doing research to find the meaning of this word, I was busy not cutting down the cherry tree, and I was attacked by a purple Koala with a kumquat.

4.  Snickersnee

This is the new roller-coaster ride at the Brighton Beach amusement park.  After a huge loop-the-loop, you go through a dark, tunnel section where they spray you with nitrous oxide – laughing gas.  You come out scared shitless spitless, but giggling your face off.

5.  Bumbershoot

That’s a good feed of albino asparagus – with cheese sauce.

6.  Snollygoster

Luckily, it was a type of extinct (If you’ll excuse the expression) flower.  Historical records indicate that its aroma was enough to make a corpse plant pull up roots and leave the neighbourhood.  The last example was crushed by a charging hippo in Mali, in 1874, and the only people who miss it are etymologists.

7.  Brouhaha

That’s when you think that you’re absolutely hilarious after a dozen beers, but no-one else does.  It’s not wry wit – more like rye wit.

8.  Wabbit

I was researching Scottish dialect, to try to get some inspiration for this word, but I just got so tired.  I was absolutely exhausted, so I lay down for a little nap, and by the time I woke, it was time to publish.

9.  Pandiculation

The batteries in my hearing aids went dead, but I think they’re talking about a Heinz catsup/ketchup commercial from the ‘70s.

10. Borborygm

Borborygm was the tribe of natives in Mali where that last snollygoster was found.  They were a strange people, dressing in feathers and flowers, with lots of strange makeup.  Elton John is said to have purchased the rights to their story.

Questioning Christian

He’s only been on WordPress for a month.  His blog-site is definitely Christian, and he has found a bunch that definitely aren’t, so he came up with Five Questions For Non-Believers – how original.  Actually, it was Five Questions for…. You Know.  Wouldn’t say Shit if he had a mouthful, and apparently can’t even type the word Atheist.

1.  Would you say you are Convinced that God or gods do not exist, or simply that you don’t Believe that they do? (Two very different statements. The first applies to Knowledge, the second only to Belief)

1. Yes, to both. I have never been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence to cause belief. I am convinced that God/gods does not exist, in the same way, and to the same degree that I am convinced that fairies, genies, Bigfoot, unicorns and the Loch Ness monster do not exist.  I can not offer Absolute Proof, because a negative cannot be proved, and there is no Absolute proof of anything.

I  usually refrain from admitting that, because some smart-ass Apologist will spin it, use it as a wedge, and claim that I actually know that God exists, and have a little bit of belief.  No, I don’t!!

2. We’re you ever at one time in your life a Believer in God or Gods, and if so… which one or ones? (Mind you, I’m not asking at this time why you left, just did you previously Believe)

2.(Were – not We’re) No! Even 6 and 7 years old in Sunday school, and later in church, I heard pretty stories, but the ones that began, In the beginning sounded just like the ones that started, “Once upon a time.” It wasn’t till I became an adult that I was surprised to find that most others took them seriously.

3. Have you ever had any Experiences that might be described as “spiritual” or “supernatural” that others might see as “experiences with God”? And if so, what did you think of them at the time… and what do you think of them Now? (I apologize for the “3 in 1”. They seem linked to the same question, yes?)

3. No. In a naturalistic universe, I don’t even know how anyone could demonstrate or prove anything Supernatural. Spiritual is a word with too many definitions, and no real meaning.  Most such experiences can be shown to be neurological, or hormonally induced.  Even those that can’t are not justified in having “God” shoehorned in as an explanation.

4. How do you view those who do Believe in God or gods? Are they ‘brainwashed’, ‘stupid’ or just wrong? (I know the first two are ‘loaded’, but I’m looking for your mindset as well as what you perceive ours to be)

4. The more rabid the believer, the more likely they are ruled by desperation and egotism – the belief that they are so important in the cosmic scheme of things that they will not just wink out when it’s all over. It’s the constant fear of inevitable, inescapable, impending death.

“Brainwashed” is a loaded term, but Sunday schools do a great job of constant mental conditioning of impressionable children.  Very intelligent people believe many incorrect, unprovable things – and not all of it is religion.  It is far easier to convince someone of something, than it is to convince them that they are in error about it.  I don’t regard them as “wrong,” but, despite many requests, I still have not been shown proof that they are right.

5. What Evidence or Experience or Arguments would lead you to believe in God or gods generally… or Christianity specifically… if any? (Mind you, I’m not asking “Why you don’t believe”. I’m asking what would lead you to Believe)

5. The correct answer is, “I don’t know.” Arthur C. Clarke said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The Christian God – the God of the Bible – suffers from so many definitional contradictions as to be impossible.  Were He to exist, He would be an immoral asshole.  Richard Dawkins had 14 rather scathing adjectives for Him.  If He exists, He knows exactly what it would take to convince me that He exists.  Since He has failed to present such evidence for over 2000 years, either He does not exist – or – He is far less concerned with my acceptance of your claims than people like you are.  😯

’22 A To Z Challenge – X

Really, officer, this is all just a big mistake!
I wasn’t even in Ponoka, Alberta on April 17^th.

The X word for this year’s challenge is

XERXES

I dunno what it means….
(It’s sliced ground-lamb loaf in a pita, with grape leaves and yoghurt – isn’t it?)

It’s just an X-cuse to tell you about sofree.ca – The Society of Freethinkers – who I occasionally join for a Sunday brunch.  The very name irritates some Christian Apologists.

They just call themselves Free Thinkers so they don’t have to say that they’re Atheists, and can’t prove that God doesn’t exist.

They’re not really Free Thinkers ‘cause they refuse to think about the possibility that God really exists.

Most, if not all, Free Thinkers are Atheists; but even so, they don’t have to prove that God doesn’t exist.  The burden of proof is on the Theists.  If they claim that God exists, they need to show some evidence to back up their beliefs and claims.

The Society is not an Atheist group, as such.  Its thrust is to ensure that they and others are free to think and believe as they see fit.  It lobbies for separation of Church and State.  They want to end Christian-only prayers at football games between school teams which include Muslims, Jews, Atheists, and others.

They would like Christian prayers at city councils, Provincial government, and Federal Parliament ended.  Already, one female American lawmaker has attempted a bill which would require a sworn oath of Christian affiliation for government employees – in direct contravention of the Constitution.

As for the claim about the refusal to admit the possibility of God’s existence – most have considered it deeply…. for years, and have found the likelihood to be so slim as to dismiss it unless and until convincing evidence is presented.

Both I and this blog-post are now X-hausted.  Today is Family Day in Ontario, so the old, retired guy with no job gets a day of rest.  😀

Fibbing Friday In The Bag

Another mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week. What would you say these words mean/are?
As always, I’ll be a week late with my untruths!

1. Census

Those are the pennies that the Canadian mint no longer produces.

2. Probate

That’s when you don’t dig your own dew-worms for fishing, but have to buy them at the fishing tackle shop.

3. Bayou

I think that it’s a compulsive shopper who is addicted to Amazon, but Google claims that it’s one of the women who helped sew up some famous tapestry.

4. Crackerjack

(S)He’s a chiropractor.  If you think that I make strange, creaking and popping  noises when I stand or walk, you should hear the concerto that I produce when Doc Bones tries to Bend me – Shape Me.

5. Chirrup

One of the two things that hang down each side of a horse, to help you keep your fat ass in the saddle.
Also see: Ob-Gyn – Pap smear.

6. Fermium

It’s a French word of command.  Usage – Fermium la bouche!  Translation: Shut the Hell up!  Fermium la porte!  Translation:  I’m not heating the entire neighbourhood!

7. Surcingle

The perpetually ‘Nice Guy’ who is still permanently unmarried.

8. Withe

An astute sage with a bad lisp.  Isn’t it ironic that there’s an S in the word lisp?

9. Gainsay

Those that can – do!  Those that can’t – teach.  Those who can’t even do that – often get paid to lecture about it and give advice.
Reference – Catholic priests and birth control.

10. Titular

Someone like the big noise down at Sammy’s Strip Shoppe.  He’s the titular owner.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes, even with good motives, they don’t finish at all.  Case in point.

My grandson tried out for a hockey team, but didn’t make it.  He was disappointed.  He told his mother that he played wing and center, and kept shifting positions because another kid couldn’t decide if he wanted to play either spot.

His mom said, “Well, you need to be more selfish and say, ‘Hey, I am playing center!’”  My grandson looked at his mom and said, “Mom, I would rather be a good person than a good hockey player.”

I thought, “You know, if we all took time to consider others, our world would be a much better place.”

I am all for having care and consideration for others, but, with the best of intentions, Mom chose an inappropriate word – ‘selfish.’  It carries the unfortunate, additional connotation of, all for me, and no-one but me.  It’s nice to be nice, but she should have said, assertive.

One can be assertive, without being an asshole.  If you don’t tell others what you want, you’ll seldom get it, and just end up going home to sit in a big, hot, soapy tub of disappointment.  Progress is made by those who want, and who communicate to others what they want.  You can be both a good person, and a good hockey player.  If you don’t want strive, perhaps you should try for a spot in the figure-skating revue, or join the chess club.

Reading this Op/Ed letter, I could just imagine the, “After you, Alphonse.  No, no, you go first, my dear Gaston.” game being played.  It is possible that the other, good person, lad was waiting for this one to make a choice, and he would gladly accept whichever position was left.  Hockey is a competitive sport.  This youth didn’t even have the drive to attain the position he wanted.  The coach wisely saw that he didn’t have the ambition and motivation necessary to win games for the team, and cut him.

Baaa…. I cannot tell a lie.  I sheepishly insist that you return soon, probably for another helping of Fibbing Friday.

Running Into One-Liners

I’ve found that running is a great way to meet new people….
….Unfortunately, they’re paramedics.

That has too much cheese on it….
….said no-one, ever!

That little scrolly thing to pick the year I was born….
….is getting pretty far.

I learn from the mistakes….
….of people who took my advice.

Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance….
….the 5 stages of waking up.

I’m at the point in life where….
….running errands counts as going out.

Why does the radio stop to tell you….
….that they play non-stop music?

What does a panda cook with?….
….A pan – Duh!

Hyphenated /Non-hyphenated….
….The irony.

If I had a DeLorean, I would probably drive it….
….from time to time.

I react to the word “Tacos”….
….the same way dogs react to the word “Walk.”

Nothing is more difficult than trying to….
….discipline the “You” out of Your child.

A bossy guy walks into a bar and….
….orders everyone a round.

You don’t realize how many people you don’t like….
….until you have to name a baby.

If a bag is non-resealable….
….it contains one serving.

Back in my day, panic buying was….
….when the bartender yelled ‘Last call.’

75% of arguments start….
….because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Is there ever a day when….
….mattresses aren’t on sale?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it.

Introverts unite!  Separately….
….in our own homes.

If you want to impress me with your vehicle….
….it better be a food truck.

It’s time to switch out my regular anxiety….
….for my festive, holiday anxiety.

Fitting into my clothes after Christmas….
….is going to be the real holiday miracle.

Birds Of A Feather Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 says that the following are all birds, but asks, if you didn’t know that, what would you say these words meant?  At her behest, I’m going to fib my heart out, and  publish my answers here.

1. COOT

Me! – And my League of Extraordinary Older-Gentlemen Grumps.  Apparently there are no young coots.  You gotta be old, to be a coot.  Sean Connery was our Honorary Chairman, until he passed on, to that great Oatmeal Bowl in the sky.

2.   DUNLIN

That’s the name of the firm of Solicitors who constantly telephone, and send threatening letters, to get people to make monthly payments on their car-loans and mortgages.

3.   HOBBY

Hobby is the non-productive expenditure of free time and energy.  The hobby of the people at Hobby Lobby is harassing and abridging the civil rights of those who they feel don’t have the correct sexual orientation.

4.   KNOT

Knot is a euphemism for getting married – tying the knot.  For serial offenders like Mickey Rooney, Liz Taylor, and Larry King, it’s a slip-knot.  😳

5.   RUFF

Ruff is Dennis the Menace’s cartoon canine companion – the more intelligent, less destructive and irksome of the pair.

6.   SCAUP

This is an evil, online commercial deed, performed by a nefarious net-villain.  Every time I want to attend a concert by Jethro Tull, The Moody Blues, ELO, or Billy Joel, some guy with a refurbished NASA computer, and a power source about equal to a small sun, temporarily suspends his Bitcoin mining operation, swoops in and scoops up all the good seats, and then offers them online for 5 to 10 times their original cost.

7.   SERIN

That’s the cultured fluid that ethical, educated, intelligent medical researchers use to make COVID19 and variants protective vaccines from.  It’s the same stuff that nutty conspiracy-theorists, who watched the science Fiction movie, The Fantastic Voyage, believe that Bill Gates (or anyone else) cares enough about them to add tiny little machines to track them with.

8.   SMEW

It’s all the fault of the good, warm English ale.  An American tourist stole a street sign from outside the East-End, Brantley Mews.  The Roads Maintenance Department sent out a two-man team to replace it.  Since they arrived near lunch-time, and the Anvil and Turtle Pub was just outside, they had some cottage pie…. and six or seven jars of beer.   Somehow, when the sign went up, it read SMEW, instead of MEWS.  They had to send out two teetotalers to set things right.

9.   SNIPE

That was the bitch witch at my last job that I set a record with – worked with her for 14 years, and not once did I give her a well-deserved smack in the head.  We called her Princess, which she took to be a compliment.  She was the Princess with the pea, constantly carping about every little thing.

We were working on the wrong project, and if we were on the right one, we were using the wrong procedures, and if we were using the right methods, we were on the wrong schedule.  The only person she never complained about, was the office manager, and she followed him around like Mary’s little lamb.  Smooch, smooch, kiss, kiss!!  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is depth perception.

10. TWITE

There are too many Brits who wouldn’t say Shit if they had a mouthful.  They say Shite, and pretend that they didn’t use profanity.  I can only presume that an irritating, irksome goofball is called a Twite, instead of a Twit.

Caution: Reading Is Dangerous To Your Ignorance

A Little Song
A Little Dance
A Little Seltzer
Down Your Pants
And apologies for last year’s comment-less display
Here is the annotated list of books that I read this past year.

Peter Clines – 14

Combination Sci-Fi and Horror, about an LA apartment building that’s also a machine built by Tesla, sealing a rift into a world of monsters and demons.

Jennifer Macaire – A Crown In Time – A Remedy In Time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Murray Leinster – A Thousand Degrees Below Zero

Previously unread, vintage Sci-Fi.  1909’s version of Mister Freeze
A candidate for Published before I was born.

Lawrence Krauss – A Universe From Nothing

A book from an astrophysicist which shows how the Universe may have come into existence without a God – but with an unfortunate, poorly chosen title which seems to show Christian Apologists to be right.

Lee Child – Better Off Dead

Child continues to pump out wildly successful Jack Reacher books each year.

Gregg Hurwitz – Dark Horse – Into The Fire – Prodigal Son

Guns and knives and explosives – just some quiet, peaceful men’s-action reading to pass the time.

Mike Maden – Tom Clancy’s Firing Point

Tom Clancy may be dead, but the franchise lives on with hero, Jack Ryan Jr.

Scott Gier – In The Shadow Of The Moon

Good, contemporary Sci-Fi.

Andrew Grant – Invisible – Too Close To Home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew Grant – also known as Andrew Child – takes older brother Lee Child’s story framework, and inserts his own do-gooder, social justice warrior, working as a janitor in a courthouse.  Interesting concept, and the quality is about as good.

James S. A. Corey – Leviathan Falls

Finally, the end of a massive series!  It’s been a ride.

Nicole Gallande – Master Of The Revels

Time travel from a woman’s point of view.  Like the Terminator movies – you arrive naked.

Mark Greaney – Mission Critical

When, like Mike Maden, he isn’t writing for Tom Clancy, he free-lances novels under his own name.

William Gibson – Neuromancer

Prophetic book from 1986, showing the birth of the Internet, and hacking.

Steve Perry – Past Prologue

Social, political, and religious reasons for action and adventure around the world.

Mark Cameron – Tom Clancy’s Shadow Of The Dragon

They’d be just another excuse to get you to buy a book – if they weren’t so damned enjoyable.

Crawford Kilian – The Fall Of The Republic

Modern time-travel Sci-Fi.

Fritz Leiber – The Big Time

A re-read.  1950’s time-travel Sci-Fi.  There seems to be a theme here.

Nick Petrie – The Breaker – The Wild One

 

 

 

A war-vet hero, with PTSD and claustrophobia.  It’s hard to run into  the burning building to save a kid.

K. D. Wentworth/Eric Flint – The Course Of Empire – The Crucible Of Empire

Steve Berry – The Malta Exchange – The Warsaw Protocol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Urban fantasy/adventure – if you can fantasize being able to afford to go to Malta or Warsaw for adventure.

Gregg Loomis – The Poison Secret

The secret is, it was an enjoyable way to pass the time.

Raymond Khoury – The Sanctuary – the Sign

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sign was interesting.  Trying to use a giant hologram to brainwash and control society.

D. J. Harrison – The Secret Of The Scroll

Alternate Christian history – how The Church really began.

Allen Appel –Time After Time

Time travel by believing hard enough, and wishing yourself back into history.

Tom Hammond – What Time Is Purple

See my book review, if you haven’t already.

A Bit Of Orange – Answering Atheism – Proof Of God

 

As above, See my book review

Thanx for helping me renew my library card.

’22 A To Z Challenge – W

I recently had a visit, and a lovely conversation with J. R. R. Tolkien.  It’s been delayed because of COVID19, and the fact that he’s been dead for a while.  For the letter W, in the A to Z Challenge, he (strongly) suggested that I go with a High Fantasy theme.  He said that, since I’d conjured him up, if I didn’t, he’d come back to haunt me, and force me to go on a quest for a ring that was quite different from the ones on my beer-can pull-tabs.  He felt that I should write about

WARLOCK

a man who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery; a male witch; sorcerer.

a fortuneteller or conjurer.

WIZARD

a person who practices magic; magician or sorcerer.

a conjurer or juggler.

Also whiz, wiz  [wiz] . a person of amazing skill or accomplishment:

WYRD

The Old English term wyrd derives from a Proto-Germanic term *wurđíz.  Wyrd has cognates in Old Saxon wurd, and Old Norse urðr.  It used to refer to one or all of the three Greek Fates, and, while it is sparsely used, has come to mean fate, or, that which happens.  The word slowly became “weird,” and Shakespeare turned the Fates into the three prophetic witches – The Three Weird Sisters – in Macbeth.

WYVERN

a two-legged winged dragon having the hinder part of a serpent with a barbed tail.

Smaug, eat your heart out – but barbecue it with your breath first.

***

I knew it sounded familiar.  My apologies to my longer-term readers.  Apparently, I forgot to delete a few candidate-words from my blog-notes list, and managed to more-or-less replicate my W Challenge post from 2019.  Oops!  Sorry.  😳