The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
The days of good grammar….
….has went.
Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.
It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.
I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.
I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.
On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.
Well! Well! Well! If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.
My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.
Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.
Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.
I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.
Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.
Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.
Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.
My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.
Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making
My recliner and I….
….go way back.
Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.
My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.
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