The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
The days of good grammar….
….has went.
Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.
It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.
I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.
I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.
On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.
Well! Well! Well! If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.
My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.
Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.
Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.
I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.
Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.
Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.
Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.
My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.
Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making
My recliner and I….
….go way back.
Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.
My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.
Archon's Den 
So you have squirrels, eh? Me? Nuts. 😉
If you can feel the potholes in the road, you’re going too dang slow.
Remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t really out to get you! 😯
And isn’t it, “The days of good grammar, they be gone”? Or did I conjugate in the wrong tense again? (“Pluperfect”? Growing up, it was hard enough to be perfect! 😀 )
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know whether you conjugated in the wrong tense or not, but since it’ll take the cops at least twenty minutes to get there, you’ll probably get away with it. Just remember, your Granny said if you keep doing it, you’ll go blind. 😉 🙄
LikeLike
Now how would you know what my granny said, considering she died before I was born? Archon, Archon, Archon … Are you STILL holding those seances? I keep tellin’ ya, you’re gonna summon something really nasty one of these days, something that’ll eat the world – like Bill Shatner’s ego, only something of a FINITE size … 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Both Grannies?? My Dad’s mother died young, giving birth to his younger sister. My Mother’s tough-as-shoe leather Scottish mother died when I was three. I still vaguely remember her. Mom’s Dad died when I was five. I remember him drinking beer and playing horse-shoes. 😀 😀
LikeLike
Yeah, I had no luck on the grandparents. Dad’s mom was a single parent with two kids during the depression. His dad was a boozer who left them when Dad was young. I know less about my maternal grands. but my Mom referred to her dad once as “a real son of a bitch” – and Mom NEVER swore otherwise. I lost ’em all in the period of one year before I was born to one year after I was born. My one and only aunt passed a few years later, and I don’t remember her, just her husband, a WW1 vet who went when I was just starting grade school. He was funny, and I believe he’s where my use of humour to deal with life came from.
Yeah I was apparently quite the little bombshell, leaving dead relatives in my wake….
LikeLiked by 1 person
((((Still laughing)))) yup what’s on the inside counts 🤪Hahaha Crossfit!!! 😜😂😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀 😀 😀 Thanx!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😉😅😂🌈
LikeLike
I just thought of something, Isn’t crossfit what the kid did in the Exorcist? 😉 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to know a couple with one young son. They appeared to be early examples of New-Age parents. The kid seemed to have a constant setting of 110dB. It was years before I realized his name was spelled Blair – not BLARE! 😥 🙄
LikeLike
That’s a pity. Duct tape has existed for years, and there was self-adhesive “friction” tape before that. Or there’s Homer Simpson’s cure – as long as you’re out of range of CCTV cameras. 😯
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! So many good ones… squirrels, jean buttons. Well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣🤣You had me laughing too hard! Happy Monday and great week ahead.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your wish is my command. 😀 😎
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had that Friday, sometimes even on a Wednesday. 😬😫
LikeLiked by 1 person
You always were a man, ahead of your times. 😉 🙂
LikeLike
At age 60, I have returned to graduate school in Neuroleadership, so I am 15 days behind reading these great jokes. On the other hand, I know all about Mary Parker Follett and her theories.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lead on, MacDuff, And damn’d be him that first cries, ‘Hold, enough!’ 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person