High School Comedy

Senior year religion class at my Catholic high school, our Deacon teacher asked, “What are the two words that you should never say to a Jehovah’s Witness?  The class was a wasteland of boredom.  Figuring, ‘what the Hell,’ I raised my hand and responded, ”Come in.”  Dead Silence!  You could hear a tumbleweed rolling by.
Just for the record, it’s “Happy Birthday.”

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The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. “My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie.”

Next came Tommy. “My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he’d give each of us a quarter.”

Third came Jimmy. “My dad is an electrician.” But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. “My dad’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e,” Johnny said. “And if he were here, he’d lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain’t never gonna spell electrician.”

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TEA IS AN EVIL SUBSTANCE
Tea is much more dangerous than beer.  Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night.  I drank 15 beers up until 3:00 AM at the pub, while my wife was just drinking tea at home.  You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful and quiet, and headed to bed, but she shouted at me all night long, and into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, just don’t drink it.

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I love it when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home, and she greets me with those three special words.
“Were you fired?”

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When my wife asked, “What’s your favorite position in bed?” I probably shouldn’t have said, “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging!”

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A woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing. The EMTs quickly arrived and placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then they began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” one asked. “Fifty-nine,” the patient answered, eyeing the blinking device on her finger. “What is that thing?” The EMT answered with a straight face, “It’s a lie detector. Now, what is your age?” “Sixty-three,” said the woman, sheepishly.

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The three-year-old emerged from the bathroom smiling. “I brushed my teeth!” she proudly announced. “And then I brushed Wilbur’s.” Her horrified mother explained she shouldn’t have brushed the dog’s teeth and now they’d have to get her a new toothbrush. The next day, the girl asked, “Mommy, why did I need a new toothbrush?” Her mother answered patiently, “Remember? You used your toothbrush to brush the dog’s teeth, so you got a new one.” The youngster replied, “But, Mommy: I didn’t use my toothbrush on Wilbur’s teeth, I used yours!”

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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain, gives hope for a lot of people.

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