Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.
Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.
Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.
If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.
I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.
I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.
I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.
Procrastinators unite!….
….Tomorrow.
Bad decisions….
….make good stories.
Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.
Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?
I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.
I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.
I had a life….
….but my job ate it.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.
Three symptoms of laziness….
….No. 1
Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.
Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.
The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.
Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.
I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.
Archon's Den 
I don’t miss my metabolism, but I do miss my mind …. all of them ….
That “don’t worry what people are thinking” is, in a slightly changed form, a Broadway and Hollywood line. When Guinevere is first troubling Arthur in “Camelot”, Arthur quotes Merlin, who told him “Never be too disturbed if you don’t understand what a woman is thinking – they don’t do it very often.” I just ask, don’t blame me, blame Richard Rodgers for that blatant sexism!
And just so you know, cat hair is FAR more pernicious. Plus, if you have multi-colour cats, they can selectively shed in a contrasting colour to your outfit. We have one who is mostly silver, but can pump out white, black, grey, tan, pink, orange, and brown. I’m trying to teach her to shed red and blue, but so far, no luck. 😀
Oh, for your preposterous line, I prefer the old Gallagher routine. “Con is the opposite of pro, right? So Congress must be the opposite of ….”. He’d trail off and let the audience fill it in. An oldie, but more true today than ever! 😉
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Oh, I know about cats, and cat hair. We changed our bed-sheets and washed them – just the sheets, not the blanket or coverlet. With the amount of hair from the dryer lint-trap, I could have knitted another cat…. and we’re down to two. 🙂
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Two? TWO?!? Ya bloody piker, we’ve been decimated here, and we STILL have eight! Pick it up, man, or I’m gonna have to cat bomb ya! 😉
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😳 🙄 Jawohl herr Hauptmann. 😉
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Hahaha…mood poisoning! 😜😂
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I’m very even-tempered…. grumpy all the time. 🙄
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👍😉😜😂
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Those are really funny! 🙂
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Thanx! There’ll be more. I was out in the garden picking some, just last night. 🙄 🙂
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The “sleep is a time machine to breakfast” joke is too funny.
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This post is hilarious! I’m in awe of your creativity. I love the analogy of jellyfish being wet ghosts. And I relate so much to the mood poisoning line. I had no idea you could learn from the mistakes of others and take their advice. Thank you for this post!
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