The Ghost Of One-Liners Past

Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.

Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.

Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.

I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.

I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.

Procrastinators unite!….
….Tomorrow.

Bad decisions….
….make good stories.

Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.

Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?

I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I had a life….
….but my job ate it.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.

Three symptoms of laziness….
….No.  1

Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.

Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.

The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.

Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.

I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.

Fibbing Friday 20/3

Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others.  The email came back marked

Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address

So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.

  1. How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?

It depends on which one you break.  Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow.  Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.

2. What shouldn’t you walk under?

15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend.  When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor.  Next morning, See honey!  Quota achieved!

3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?

One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room….  Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug.  😳

4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?

To be closer to our Maker.

Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day.  A very old man shuffled up.  St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth.  He replied that he had been a woodworker.  Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?”  The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”

5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?

Know how to stop a runaway horse?  Bet on him.  I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet.  Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?

6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?

To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out.  This superstition stuff is all fake.  I’m a Virgo.  Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.

7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza.  Sorry bro, you got here too late.  You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?

8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors?  7 is the end of the overnight shift.  If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky.  I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts.  I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark.  They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.

9. What is signified by itchy hands?

You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store.  I’m glad this COVID is almost over.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.

10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?

With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.

***

It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me.  It’s not that I’m an Atheist.  It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment.  Which one is that anyway??  The 14th??

 

List Of ‘IST’ Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know what our suggestions were for this list of ‘ists,’ please.

  1. Philatelist

These are OCD people like my loony-bin neighbour, who will only associate with men named Phil – like Phil Collins, Phil Silvers, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, golfer Phil Mickelson, and his dentist, Phil McCavity
.
2. Botanist

A botanist is any one of a gaggle of teenage girls, set loose with daddy’s credit card, in a retail mall.  A negativist is a person who warns that bricks-and-mortar stores will soon be extinct, and we’ll buy everything online and have it delivered.  Not while these frenetic females exist, and they want to try on every top, in every store, and test every shade of lipstick, before bragging, “See what I bot.”

3. Naturalist

A naturalist is a person who frequents a clothing-optional beach, or nudist colony, to acquire a tan without tan lines.  Many of them are strippers exotic dancers, but you’ve already met Dick Brown.  Just wait until he gets skin cancer, then he’ll be Spotted Dick.

4. Taxidermist

He’s one of the new urbanites, who works from home in one of those giant housing densification buildings, complete with its own retail/service area.  He doesn’t own a car because there’s only 100 parking spaces for 12,000 residents.  He very seldom physically leaves the building.  Most of his ‘trips’ are digital and electronic.  When he does go out, he relies on Uber, Lyft, buses, and cabs.

5. Anthropologist

Anthropo’ – a prefix indicating “manlike” An anthropologist is someone who expends time and energy, trying to prove or disprove the likes of Sasquatch, or the Yeti.  If they’re searching for hairy, ill-mannered, sub-humans who utter incomprehensible noises, they’d be better advised to frequent any Glasgow pub on Saturday night.

  1. Scientist

“Science” means knowledge. A scientist is a person who asks questions of the Universe, to know how it works.  I tried doing that, but the Universe said, “Hold on!  I’ve got a question for you.  After tilting against the windmills of Disney and the Florida teachers, how the Hell does Ron DeSantis think he has a ghost of a chance to be president?

7. Strategist

A strategist is a person like Phil Harding, of the Time Team, who digs through the layers and tiers of rock and dirt, to find historical relics and ancient fossils.

8. Protagonist

A protagonist is an adult who wishes to get some exercise and fresh air, and shed some of the stresses and strains of modern busy and complex society by once again embracing the childhood games of yesteryear.  There are also promarblists, and prohopscotchists.

9. Pharmacist

Use your imagination!  I’d use mine, but it’s still stunned by that Ron DeSantis story.  I told you that I would someday post a three-legged dog – (or a nine-armed squid) – of an FF list.

10. Biologist.

A biologist is someone whose job it is to prove that you’re a hell of a nice person – as long as you’re dead.  It’s up to them to sift through your life, and assemble a quarter-page newspaper blurb about your achievements and successes.  Very seldom does it mention that the featured fictional character lived in a multi-million dollar mansion because they were a shark of a lawyer who created six acrimonious divorces, and four bankruptcies.  😦

.

 

Elementary School Comedy

The children were lined up for lunch at the cafeteria of a Catholic Elementary school.  At the head of the line was a big pile of apples.  A nun wrote a note that said, “Take only one.  God is watching.”

At the end of the table was a tray of cookies.  A young student made a note that said, “Take all you want.  God is keeping an eye on the apples.”

***

Most people don’t know this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food, without telling everyone around you.

***

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

***

Three doctors were playing golf. The heartless cardiologist led the gutless gastroenterologist by 3 strokes. The dermatologist didn’t care because he had no skin in the game.

***

Funny, In Spite Of Everything
A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “George, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”

***

A blonde complained to her friend, “It was terrible at the movies last night! I had to change seats five times.” “Why? Did some guy bother you?” “Yeah. Eventually.”

When my kids text me “plz” because it’s shorter than “please,” I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes!”

Joe answered the knock on the door. Some kids in costumes said, “Give us candy or we’ll bad mouth you on social media!” Joe was taken aback. “Huh?” he said. The kids concluded, “Sorry, man, it’s trick or tweet!”

My new blonde girlfriend got all angry on me last night when she saw my phone. “Who in the hell is this Amber Alert?!”

I purchased a Senior’s GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get there, but why I wanted to go there in the first place.

***

Face The Music Fibbing Friday

It was Pensitivity101’s birthday last Friday so she was having a ‘day off’ and glad to post another set of questions provided by Jim Adams.  Thanks Jim.  It’s okay.  Since I turned 70, I’ve had a lot of ‘off days.’

Music

Why did Don Mclean drive his Chevy to the levy?

That whole American Independence thing began with, “No taxation without representation.” So there was no Levy.  Instead, Don expected a big party – a soirée – a levee, but there was only some damn dam, keeping the trout stream out of his basement.

Who will stop the rain?

Homosexuals!  Some Fundamentalist preachers claim that droughts are caused because of the existence of too many gays.  Other Fundamentalists claim that hurricanes, giant thunderstorms and floods are caused by the presence of too many gay guys.  If we could just get all the gays spread out over the world in the right proportions, we could probably defeat Global Warming.

Where does the love go?

Over to Wembley Stadium.  Rafael Nadal stores it in his racquet case, because he almost never needs to use it, the oaf.

Who shot the deputy?

Mr. Johnson shot the deputy, even though he insisted that he was just working his side gig as an Uber-Eats driver, delivering egg fu yung to Mrs. Johnson on Mr. Johnson’s Rotary Club meeting nights.

Why was nobody getting fat except Mama Cass?

Did you ever see her eat??!  After last week’s big society gala, it was her that I followed to the buffet.  That woman sure could suck back the food.  If she’d been British, their vacuum cleaners would be called Elliots, instead of Hoovers.

How did the blackbird break its wings?

It inadvertently flew in an open window of the home of our local meth lab.  It flew out again, a few minutes later.  Observers report that it was travelling at 130 real Miles Per Hour, and gaining altitude quickly, when the catastrophic failure of both lift surfaces occurred.

What did the Traveling Wilburys find at the end of the line?

A prince, calling all the way from Nigeria, to tell them that he had $200 Million U.S. that he would give them 10% of, if they would just provide their banking information so that he could transfer it out of the country.

What instrument did Mr. Bojangles play?

The spoons!  After also following Mama Cass to the buffet, and finding it as empty as Mother Hubbard’s cupboard, Bill Robinson decided to use some of the now-useless cutlery to do a bit of busking and make enough coin to order a pizza.

Who lived on Desolation Row?

Bob Dylan’s mother.  So, Mister Musician, are you proud of yourself?  Your Father and I worked our fingers to the bone, and scrimped and saved so that you could go to a nice school, and get a profession, like a doctor, or a lawyer, but do we get any thanks??  Oh, no!  You want to play a guitar, and blow a silly harmonica.  At least you changed your name.  Maybe no-one will know.  You should have got a nice job, like an undertaker.

Why couldn’t the Rolling Stones get any satisfaction?

It was probably because of all the drugs that they ingested – any, or all, in combination.  I mean…. Keith Richards, snorting his father’s cremated ashes??! – And he wouldn’t even share a line with Mick and the rest of the boys.  Ron Wood looks like he stocks his bar with formaldehyde.

Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

  1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.

Alcoholic One-Liners

Scientists studied the effect on alcohol on walking….
….The results were staggering.

Why is ‘abbreviated’….
….such a long word?

I still have a full deck….
….I just shuffle slower.

If the world’s human population held hands around the equator….
….a significant portion of them would drown.

Wal-Mart is giving out free school supplies….
….to anyone who can outrun Security.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar….
….and doesn’t.

Pavlov is having a beer at the pub when his phone rings….
….He jumps up and yells, “Shit!  I forgot to feed the dog.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber….
….ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.

Gravity is a myth….
….The Earth sucks.

Change is hard….
….Just try to bend a coin, you’ll see.

A man walks into a bar….
….and is disqualified at the limbo contest.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins….
….so I drink several.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know.

How come 8 glasses of water a day is almost impossible….
….but 8 beers seems so easy?

People in Dubai don’t understand The Flintstones….
….but people in Abu Dhabi do.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo….
….Now I feel like such a good boy.

I believed that I could….
….but the cat was asleep on my lap, so I didn’t.

If 2022 was a drink….
….it would be a colonoscopy prep.

I told my suitcases, No vacation this year….
….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great….
….unless you compare it to not running.

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters….
….are allowed to start the day screaming.

If you love someone….
….let them nap.

If a black cat crosses your path….
….he probably has some important cat stuff to do.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song….
….but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Gettin’ Physical Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 went all geeky on us, and asked some deep, technological questions, to which I have shallow, silly answers, that may have some vague relation to truth and reality.

Physics
What came before the big bang?

A teen-aged, trans-dimensional entity, clumping around the meta-verse in its size 13 sneakers.

What did Galileo drop off the tower of Pisa?

The large pizza that the Uber-Eats delivery guy had to schlep all the way to the top.  While a shame, he didn’t feel that it was that much of a loss, because it had Genoa salami, instead of hot Pisan sausage.

Is a Cartesian bear similar to a polar bear?

It depends on how you observe it.  From the shaded side, it does indeed look much like a Polar bear.  From the sunward side, it more resembles a casserole of lasagna.

What did Newton say when the apple landed on his head?

#$%@&*%#!!!  Oh – after that??!  That does it!  No more Mister Nice Guy!  I’m going to invent calculus to see if I can bend gravity, so that the next one misses me.

Why did Columbus think the world was round?

Because he kept getting calls from India and Pakistan, offering to have the ducts on the Pinta, the Nina, and the Santa Maria cleaned.

What was Heisenberg uncertain about?

The whole LGBTQ2+ thing, and why so many good Christians, instead of worrying about their own sexuality, are so concerned about other people’s.  Eskimos rub noses to express love.  Too many Christians love to stick their nose in where it doesn’t belong.

What was the name of Schrödinger’s cat?

Iffy, until it died…. or did it??   🙄

When a photo finish decides the winner of a race, did they change the outcome by measuring it?

Not really!  It enlarged the noses of both front-running horses by the same amount.

What is the God particle used for?

A source of irony when Christian Apologists try to use it to define their pet deity into existence.

Is the theory of everything all you need to know?

In theory – YES.  But there will always be another irritating, smart-ass know-it-all, ready to bend your ear about some fool topic.  🙄

Loose Change Fibbing Friday

There was a little change of pace this/last week.  Below are ten scenarios and Pensitivity101 would like you to make up excuses/fibs for not complying or owning up either as kids or adults.

  1. Meeting the prospective in-laws for the first time.

My in-laws had the good sense and taste to both die before I even met my future wife.  It saved me the trouble of later having to water the grass around their grave-stones.  My fine friend asked me to pour a pint of good Scotch whiskey on his grave after he passes.  I asked him if he minded if I strained it through my kidneys first.

2.  Going to your partner’s firm’s social evening where you know it will be talking shop all night.

Honey, you know how impressed I am with insurance actuarial tables, but Elon Musk called, and he wants to discuss my expertise in designing high-power Maguffium batteries. He’s going to let me watch the SpaceX rocket launch, and help him name his next kid.  You just go and have fun, and I’ll bring you back a Tesla.

3.  Not going to school on a test day.

Win, lose, or draw, you would have to be a complete fool to do this – as I know, from sad, personal experience.  One year in high school, there were exams scheduled every morning, and every afternoon for a week, depending on what courses you took.  I blithely showed up on Tuesday afternoon for a French test, only to find that it was Greek History.  French had been that morning.

I explained my problem to the French teacher.  He promised to put me in a supervised study hall to take it, if I would swear that I had talked to no-one about it, or been given any of the questions.  I passed the exam, but the dismal mark I got proved that I didn’t cheat.

4.  Broken a window whilst playing outside

I once kicked a soccer-ball real hard, and broke a lady’s window.  She was yelling at me, and saying that she was going to go to my parents.  I told her that my dad was a glazier, and he would come and fix her window if she let me go get him.  Soon, a man showed up and fixed it.  Then he said, “That’ll be $10.”  She protested.  “Aren’t you that boy’s father?”
“No!  Aren’t you his mother?”

5.  Having gone shopping, spent all the money, but not bought anything on the list.

Shopping list??!  This isn’t our shopping list!  This is our neighbor Bob’s shopping list.  He probably put it in my pocket as a joke.  You remember about a month ago, when he tricked me into going to the bar with him and getting really, REALLY wasted – and he peed my pants, too.

6.  Damaged the car

I was just trying to pull into our driveway, when a tree we don’t have jumped out right in front of me.

7.  Late for work

Sorry Boss, I’m still on standard time.  I haven’t switched to Daylight time.
Smithers, It’s the end of April.
I know, boss, but the battery in my calendar needs to be replaced

8.  Forgotten to do your homework

I never ‘Forgot’ to do my homework – ignored it maybe, but never forgot it.  The only thing that elementary and high schools teach, is how to memorize and regurgitate.  With my innate neurological memory problem, I soon found that homework was little help.  I understood principles, but found rereading, and rereading, and rereading the texts and my notes finally cemented the memories.
We had trouble
right there in River City
with a capital T,
and that rhymed with P,
and that stood for Pool
.
That left me time to do most of my studying of physics – reflection, refraction, colours of the spectrum – at the local pool hall.  😳

9.  Insurance claim for damage to property

No Sir!  The pizza was stuck to the ceiling when we moved in.
Nah.  That won’t work.
Everybody else jumped off the roof, so I did too.
No, that’s not even related.  I might as well try the truth for a change.
We had a strong little storm cell come through.  It generated a small tornado, and golf-ball-sized hail stones that made my car look like J. Arthur Rank’s giant gong.

10. Ruined an expensive piece of clothing.

The wife saved, and saved, and saved to buy this pricey little gown for the likes of company Christmas parties – and then managed to get salad oil on it.  Dry-cleaning isn’t dry.  They use liquid solvents to lift the stains.

I had a bit of petrol for the mower.  I drizzled a bit on, worked it in well, and blotted it up with paper towel.  I took ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos with my cell phone.  The ‘after’ shot apparently generated a static spark, and I learned three things.
It’s a good thing that she wasn’t wearing it at the time.
My left eyebrow will probably grow back in six months – and
The phone will remain turned off, and in the car, when I fuel up.

A Lot Of Comedy

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.  A man leans over to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead.” The woman replies.
The man stands, says the word ‘Plethora,’ and sits down.
“Thanks.” the woman says, “That means a lot.”

***

I told my wife that I thought I’d taken too many sleeping pills.  She told me to have a few drinks, get some sleep, and not worry about it.

***

A woman is taking a shower.  There is a knock on the door.  “Who is it?”  “Blind man!”  So she opens the door.  “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

***

I went to the track.  The horse I bet on was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of the trip.  The horse was so late getting home, that he tiptoed into the stable.

***

I was walking with my girlfriend, when some random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass!”  She was clearly annoyed, and demanded that I say something.  I turned around and said, “Thanx, I’ve been doing squats.”

***

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers

***

The little girl came home from kindergarten, and excitedly told her mother, “Mom, we’ve got a Three-D printer at school.”
Her Mother said, “That’s nice.  What are you guys going to print?”
The daughter looked at her incredulously, and replied, “Three D’s”

***

A man and a boy are sitting on a couch.  The boy says, “Well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”

***

A woman’s husband didn’t come home one night. The wife asks him where the hell he’d been. He says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and to sleep at the mate’s place.

She thinks he’s been unfaithful to her, so rings ten of his best friends.
Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

***