’22 A To Z Challenge – W

I recently had a visit, and a lovely conversation with J. R. R. Tolkien.  It’s been delayed because of COVID19, and the fact that he’s been dead for a while.  For the letter W, in the A to Z Challenge, he (strongly) suggested that I go with a High Fantasy theme.  He said that, since I’d conjured him up, if I didn’t, he’d come back to haunt me, and force me to go on a quest for a ring that was quite different from the ones on my beer-can pull-tabs.  He felt that I should write about

WARLOCK

a man who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery; a male witch; sorcerer.

a fortuneteller or conjurer.

WIZARD

a person who practices magic; magician or sorcerer.

a conjurer or juggler.

Also whiz, wiz  [wiz] . a person of amazing skill or accomplishment:

WYRD

The Old English term wyrd derives from a Proto-Germanic term *wurđíz.  Wyrd has cognates in Old Saxon wurd, and Old Norse urðr.  It used to refer to one or all of the three Greek Fates, and, while it is sparsely used, has come to mean fate, or, that which happens.  The word slowly became “weird,” and Shakespeare turned the Fates into the three prophetic witches – The Three Weird Sisters – in Macbeth.

WYVERN

a two-legged winged dragon having the hinder part of a serpent with a barbed tail.

Smaug, eat your heart out – but barbecue it with your breath first.

***

knew it sounded familiar.  My apologies to my longer-term readers.  Apparently, I forgot to delete a few candidate-words from my blog-notes list, and managed to more-or-less replicate my W Challenge post from 2019.  Oops!  Sorry.  😳

Score One For Fibbing Fridays

A history lesson from Pensitivity101.

  1. Why was the Mona Lisa smiling that enigmatic smile?

Because she got her hair done, just in time for the portrait.

2. Who painted The Laughing Cavalier?

Actually, it was Lenny, from Rodrigo’s Painting and Decorating, but it wasn’t his fault.  If the horse’s ass rider hadn’t been yucking it up, and had been paying more attention to where he was going, instead of his Smart Phone, he wouldn’t have walked under Lenny’s ladder.

3. As per the song why was the Policeman laughing?

Because his unmarried daughter had just told him that she was pregnant with twins, and he knew that she had never been on a double date in her life.

4. Who sang ‘I started a Joke?’

That was Chris Rock, just before Will Smith got up and slapped him.

5. From which film did Little April Shower come from?

It was a porno flick, titled Golden Memories.

6. What was the family harvesting in the Panorama programme on April 1st 1957?

That was spaghetti, but it was a meager crop, because spaghetti trees do not do well in England.  The only things the UK has in abundance, are pea-soup fogs, and Carry On movies.  The Italian TV networks seemed to have no reason to boast about their bumper crops of penne, and rotini.  And the trees near the Mediterranean shore were laden with lots of juicy calamari.

7. Who played the Court Jester?

That was Richard Moll, playing bailiff, Bull Shannon, in the hilarious TV series, Night Court.  Oh, the rest of the cast were amusing, but Bull brought a serious silliness to his character, like the time he tried to stop an escaping male tween.  He jumped out in front of him in the corridor, and pointed his finger at the kid, who said, “Yeah??!  Waddya gonna do with that?”  Bull replied, “Poke a 4-inch hole in your forehead if you don’t stop.”

8. Why are Jokers wild?

Because they think that they are hilarious, but no-one else does, or takes them seriously until someone has been injured.  The video for vocal group, Home Free’s version of Castle On The Hill is a sad example.  The she of the featured couple is the worst.  She steals toilet paper from an outhouse, before her he is finished, convinces him to climb over a locked gate, to TP the tree in someone’s back yard, pushes him backward off a dock into shallow water at the edge of a small lake, ignoring possible rocks or submerged branches, and ends by handling fireworks and shooting roman candles at each other.  What fun!!  Adding another entry to the Darwin Awards list.  😯

9. In which country is April 1st officially a bank holiday?

That would be Lichtenstein.  It’s a land-locked little country, high up in the Alps where you can get a Flag Of Convenience for your ocean-going ships, to evade avoid onerous restrictions, such as high taxes, safety regulations, and minimum-wage laws.  The entire country is scarcely larger than the parking lot of a good-sized McDonalds, but they manage to shoe-horn in dozens of discreet, don’t ask – don’t tell, financial institutions, where movie stars, drug lords, and tin-horn African despots hide their ill-gotten riches and filthy lucre.

10. If today is your birthday, what star sign are you?

No Stopping!
No Standing!
No Loitering!

He took her for a car-ride, and showed her a sign that said, Yield.
She showed him one that read, Refuse.

*

’22 A To Z Challenge – V

HUSBAND-SPEAK – or – LONG-MARRIED-LANGUAGE
How to say a lot, without saying anything

What do you want for supper?HMmmh?
Archon, I’m talking to you!  Are you paying attention??!Uh-Huh!
Shall I make Mac-and-Cheese?Unh-Unh.
What about liver and onions? –Ggcck!!
How about some potato pancakes?OOOyum!
We got our credit card statement today.  We owe $1200 this month. Oooff!
My sister called.  She’s coming to visit, Sunday. – Tthththbbh.

She says you should get your ass off the couch, and get more exercise. – Humph!

And now, some words about words that aren’t actually words.  They are

VOCABLES

any word, either written or spoken, regarded simply as a sequence of letters or spoken sounds, irrespective of its meaning – like Tabernacle – pronounced Tabber-nack – Which French-Canadians use as profanity.  Or Sapristi – which is used as an expression of surprise, or a meaningless intensifier.

a vocal sound intended to carry meaning;

I know how to keep my mouth shut.  I almost starved to death one time.  Wouldn’t tell my parents that I was hungry.  Never again!!  I better not keep this up, or I’ll end up saying nothing about everything.  The only things quieter would be a nod, or a head-shake, but you’d still hear the marbles rattle, and perhaps a few fall out.

Don’t slip on any when you come back on Wednesday for a bonus comedy post.   😆

Bagged Fibbing Friday

Here we go then, with Pensitivity101’s mixed bag from last week……….

  1. What is boisterous?

That’s a group of young males having fun.  They can be loud.  They often shout and yell.  It’s the opposite of gurlsterous, where young females play together.  They screech and squeal in such high tones that neighbourhood dogs have their paws over their ears.

2. What is a womaniser?

That is Cerberus, the modern, three-headed Hellhound consisting of Woke society, and Presentism, aided and abetted by years of eating and drinking food from plastic containers, which leech out pseudo-estrogen, all contributing to Real Men becoming simpering wimps.

3. What is a faux pas?

It’s the front foot of the quick, red vulpine animal that jumped over the lazy, brown dog, which the nobility chase with horses – the unspeakable, pursuing the inedible.

4. Define plumber

A crack addict.

5. What is a sous-chef?

(S)He is a high-class victuals preparation expert, who does so using copious amounts of wine and various liqueurs.  Sometimes, they even put some in the food.

6. What is antisocial?

She is my Father’s younger sister, after she’s imbibed 5 or 6 Medicinal toddies.’

7. Why did they call the wind Maria?

How do you solve a problem named Maria?  I thought they called the wind Mariah, but what do I know about music??  I can’t Carey a tune in a bucket.

8. Where would you find a kettle drum?

Underneath the big corn popper at the movie theater, or county fair.

9. What is a kango drill?

It is an Australian Military Band marching maneuver.

10. What makes bread rise?

Inflation!  😳  And petrol, and rent, and….

Give Us Barabbas

Beneath my What If? What If? What If? post, Barabbas himself became an Apologist For Jesus, and left this extended comment.

Allow me to apologize for my brothers. I believe God gives every person a choice to believe or not. I’m not responsible for your choice and though it saddens me, I must respect your choice. May God meet you where you are and draw you to Himself “with chords of kindness” not clever or manipulative arguments or threats of eternal punishment. Have a wonderful day and again, I apologize for my fellow Christians that may have pushed too hard and far without respecting your freedom. – Barabbas

One:  Do not apologize for others.  It only highlights their misdeeds, mistakes, and contradictions.  It also makes both of you appear weak and needy.  Be honest.  Only apologize for your own errors.

Two:  Do not ever label my disbelief as merely a choice!  Never have I suddenly just chosen to be a petulant, rebellious asshole.  My Atheism is as fundamentally part of my being as my gorgeous brown eyes.  I have been an Atheist longer than you have been alive.  I got that way, not through choices and options, but by observing Reality as it presents itself to me.  The reality is, I see no God/gods.

Three:  A little convincing evidence of the existence of your specific God, and that you are somehow privy to what He/She/It/They will and will not do, would be a lot more useful than your vaguely-expressed wish and hope that someday – somehow – your Reality-impaired pet entity, will finally show up to see me, and validate all your unproven assumptions.

There was a reason that saccharine was banned.  Your ‘all sweetness and light and love and kindness’ delivery is, perhaps, a little less grating than those Apologists who promise me Hell and eternal damnation if I don’t agree with them.  At least they have the courage of their convictions, and are not afraid to express them.  Yours is cloying, and sickly sweet.  I feel religious diabetes developing.

Four:  Are you in the church choir, or should the line read, “with cords of kindness”?  You promised me no tricks or threats, but that sounds suspiciously like church BDSM – a little God bondage.  😳

Five:  You must lead a sheltered life, if you think that Mr. Torpedo-Victim did more than ruffle my hair.  I have engaged with Bible-thumpers who would have him for breakfast.  I feared none of them on a philosophy and logic basis.  The only reason I have hung back from some, is the modern, technological concern about flaming, hacking and doxxing.  Some of those good, loving, Christians quickly forget that ‘turn the other cheek’ command, when their beliefs are refuted.

Online Christian debaters give me as much freedom as I give them.  I allow them every opportunity to make foolish, irrational claims, and they let me point out the errors in their arguments, and make fun of their presentations.  See, everybody has fun.  👿

O No – O Not

 

Once upon a time, in olden Greece, there lived two little vowels, almost identical twins.

Recently, I was watching videos…. Perhaps on a site I shouldn’t have been at.  😳

Attention!  Your computer has notified us that it has been infected by a very contagious virus.  You have been locked out so that we can contain it.  Please call the toll-free number listed below so that we can erase it and prevent further infection.  Failure to do so can result in a permanent shutdown, and loss of files and data.

Not that I’ve ever received such a notice.  😉

I watched a young man talking about realizing something about these two Greek vowels.  In English, there is only one letter ‘O,’ but it is pronounced in two ways.  There is the long O, like in the word No, and the short O, like in the word Not.

In Greek, there are two Os – Omega, and Omicron.  He had just become conscious of the fact that – the long O, the big O – was Omega, and the short O, the small O – was Omicron.  It’s so blindingly obvious…. after someone points it out to you.

He looked so familiar.  Who was this young man taking so much delight to explain such a minuscule linguistic detail about a foreign language, with such fervor?  My old eyes aren’t what they used to be, but I’m pretty sure it was me.

My next post, on the rapid increase of initialisms, will all be in English, despite the fact that there really is no such language.  FYI, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, FWIW, IDK, LY, TTYL.

Superstitious Fibbing Friday

It was Friday the 13th so last week, Pensitivity101’s selection was based on superstitions.

Make up your own reasons for these please:

  1. Why were people given middle names?

So that children could know just how pissed Mom was at them this time.
Margaret Elizabeth Robertson, you get in here this minute.

2. Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn?

To keep all the stupid from leaking out.

3. Why do we say ‘Bless You’ when somebody sneezes?

It’s a code phrase, meaning, Keep it down.  I’m trying to quietly enjoy a mint julep here.  One of my cats complains almost every time I sneeze.  It’s a ritual begun by vocally-impaired southern belles.  If a Georgia matriarch smiles, and says Bless you, or Bless your heart, you can translate it as F**k you very much.

4. Why do we wear a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand?

Because, if we wore it on the middle finger, it would impair our ability to converse with taxi drivers and politicians.

5. What was the original use of wind chimes?

Obviously, to irritate those irritating neighbours.

6. What was the original purpose of bridesmaids?

It was a way to screw over poor Jacob, in the Bible, and get another 7 years of free labor from him, by substituting Rachel for Leah in the marriage-bed, following a drunken spirited wedding celebration.

7. What is the significance of the first butterfly of the year you see being white?

Probably that you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line, and you can thank your cotton-pickin’ lucky stars that you do.

  1. What does it mean if your right ear itches?

That you’re going to have to listen to another fool, and probably kiss your pension goodbye.

9. Why is Good Friday a good day to cut your hair?

For forty days, you’ve been cut off from good food and drink, and maybe even sex.  Cutting off a little hair is the thing you’ll feel and miss the least.

10. What should you give a friend who gives you a knife as a gift?

A wide berth!  😳

Sharing My World

Standing in for Melanie, pensitivity101 has sponsored a post, urging us to “Share Your World.”  Since I’m a selfish old bugger, I refused, and changed the title.  Always on the lookout for a good blog-theme, and being garrulous, loquacious, vociferous, talkative, voluble, gabby, thesaurus, and repetitive, I’ve decided to bare all.

Here are this week’s questions:
1.  Do you have family photographs on display in your main living room?

Yes, we do, finally. For years the living room walls have been adorned only with prints of artists’ originals, including one by a friend/artist, who turned it into a Remarque by painting an extension of a flowering Magnolia branch, out onto the matte.

The family pictures, including a water-color of the daughter, spinning yarn, begin at the half-landing, and extend up the stairway wall toward the bedrooms.  It looks like the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Gallery, caught in a stiff breeze.

Having run out of upwardly-mobile vertical space, the recent birth of the Great-grandson required finding space in the living room to hang a photo of Mr. Blue Eyes on one wall, and a montage of him and his parents, printed on fabric at Staples, on another.

2. What was the best vehicle you owned?
This could be a pushbike as a kid, your first car, a motorcycle, or something else.

I would be hard-pressed to pick any of the vehicles we’ve owned, as a Favorite. Each has been what we needed at the time. We started with a couple of sedans.  As the children grew, we graduated to a station wagon.  As we became more rotund, numerous and arthritic, we’ve moved up to an easier entry, 7-passenger sport-ute.

Automobiles are sedate and functional.  For cheaper, easier, more fun and freedom transportation, I owned 5 Jap-crap, rice-burner motorcycles, over 20+ years.  If I were forced to pick, I would probably choose the last – a Corvette blue-on-blue, Honda CB750K

3. Did you pass your driving test first time?

I did! I had to choose between two cities with examination centers, each 25 miles away from my home town. One possessed steep hills, and examiners known to reach over and turn off the ignition half-way up, to see how you coped.  I picked the flatland one.

I took the test in a left-hand drive Vauxhall, exported to Canada.  I lost four points, not once, but twice, for failing to gear down the manual transmission for turns, and lugging the engine.  I needed 90% to pass and ended with 92%.

4. Does loud music from a neighbor or passing cars annoy you?

Thank an un-named (and possibly imaginary) deity for allergies and air-conditioning. We remain inside mostly, with the windows closed. Our nearest neighbors are quiet, and those who play music while they’re on their decks, do so at reasonable volumes.  The son works all night, and tries to sleep all day.

Idiots in cars, with their radios jacked up to 11, puzzle me, but usually don’t anger me.  At a light, some fool rolls up beside me.  My windows are up.  His windows are up, and I can still hear his stereo blasting and the bass just a-thumpin’.  I think it’s like buying a hot-damn car as a penis substitute.  They’re compensating.  And it’s often some young white dude, blaring Black rap.

Gratitude:
What has made you smile over the last seven days?


Grumpy Archon is getting soft and mushy in his old age.

“Happy/Smile” is not the same as gratitude.  Despite claiming to be grumpy, I am easily pleased.  Mining humor sites for future blog-post jokes, and interacting with fellow bloggers keeps me happy and smiling.  I am grateful that, even as I have reached the age of 78, I still remain reasonably strong and healthy.  I much prefer seeing the green side of the sod.  If that changes, I’ll let you know.

First And Ten Fibbing Friday

Here I go with Pensitivity101’s first ten (in the second week) of 2023:

1. Aurora Borealis is also known as

Ashley Carbonera, but only by people who knew her before she became a famous porn star.

  1. Who was Farouk Balsara?

He was a Syrian refugee who sneaked into the UK by floating across the English Channel on a raft he built, using plans he got off the internet from some Colombian who floated into the USA.

  1. Chasing Cars is by which group?

The Stray Dogs, before they changed the name of the group to The Stray Cats.

  1. What is Detritus?

That was Baskin & Robbins 32th flavor of ice cream.

  1. Eggplant is also known as

The colour of Elton John’s favorite pair of shoes.

  1. Who is Filbert Fox?

He is/was the best friend of Gilbert Grape, in the movie adaptation of his life story.

  1. Gentoo is a what?

The family who run my local “Curry In A Hurry” outlet.  😳  I stop there every time after my mandatory sensitivity training sessions.

  1. Rutabaga is also called

A Swede, by many Brits, until Sweden found out about it, and threatened to stop exporting Volvos, Saabs, and replacement mobile phone parts to England, unless it stops.  The Scots also have a derogatory term for Swedes, but no-one can understand what they’re saying, so the Swedes just assume they’re drunk – as usual.

  1. What is IPlayer?

He’s the thoroughly-modern male who relies on his electronics to get lucky in love.  He has swiped right so many times, the notches on his bedpost are threatening to collapse it in mid-tryst.  Ooh, kinky!

  1. Jambo is a greeting in which language?

India Elephant – in African elephant, it’s Tantor.

Book Review #29

Constantly curious about what Theists believe, but more importantly, WHY, I recently took advantage of the offer of three free books of explanation.  One was an actual printed paperback, while the other two were pdf downloads.

The books:
What Time Is Purple?
Answering Atheism
Proof of God

The Authors:
Tom Hammond
A blogger who only identifies as A Bit Of Orange

The reviews:
Nothing new – Same-old, same-old!  They disappointed equally, and to the same degree as all previous similar publications.

The purple book was a tiny, but expensive artifact – thick, glossy cover, only 46 thick, glossy pages, illustrations.  A copy was mailed to me from Maryland, by a blogger who calls himself HillFaith (Good News for Congressional staff).

The author began by inviting us on a journey to discover Truth.  A little reading quickly showed that all he really wanted to do was to find, or fabricate, evidence that somehow made his beliefs and presuppositions appear to be true.  That is not the same thing!

Even his title shows his prejudice.  The very fact that someone could question his unsupported claims was so alien to his vigorously-held, religious worldview, that he found it as strange as asking, “What Time Is Purple?”  Again and again, he would make unfounded statements and claims, and be bewildered that others would not simply accept them.

Bitter Mr. Orange Rind was no different.  His biggest, and constant, complaint/claim was that those rascally Atheists, Agnostics and Dictionaries – would not go along with his definitions and descriptions, so that he could blow those strawmen away.  He wanted to know what the number 5 smelled like.  They must all read from the same script/prayer book.  From his own, homemade, definitions, he fabricates claims about Atheists like, “Also, most of them manage to confuse Islam with Catholicism and attack the one with descriptions of the other.”

Like a short row of dominoes, he set up six, sequential premises to prove God.  Premise 1: God must exist by necessity – therefore premise 2 – therefore premise 3 – therefore premise 4 – therefore premise 5 – therefore God exists.  If you begin your circular argument with an unfounded claim that God exists, of course you’ll end up with that as an unsupported conclusion.

If you start with the assumption that Hillary Clinton is running a child sex-trafficking ring out of the basement of a cheap pizza joint, of course you’ll prove that it’s tr….  Oh, wait.  That one could be investigated, and was proved false.  When I ran into Nietzsche, Adolph Hitler, Hillary Clinton, Democrats, and Atheists, all in the same sentence, I was sure of who and what he was.  He apparently named his Bible-thumping blog-site after his favorite superhero.

He wanted Atheists to admit that they couldn’t be absolutely, positively, 100% sure that no God exists, so that he could stick the thin edge of his Christian arguments in.  I find the likelihood of God/gods to be slightly less than the existence of a square circle, owned by a polygamous bachelor.  If he can produce one of those, I will help him locate and present his God.

He kept making blanket claims that, (All) Atheists say this, Atheists believe that, Atheists claim….  While some – a few confused, uneducated Atheists make unsupported statements, I have never, personally, encountered any Atheist who said what he implies that ALL Atheists do.  He writes that, By necessity, Atheists must be Nihilists, but when observed reality clearly contradicts his view, he merely inverts his claim, and insists that Atheists do not really exist.

My Dad told me the tale of the Ginchee Bird, which flies around in ever-decreasing circles, until it disappears up its own ass.  I wish some of these Apologists would disappear up their own asses.  They pull out enough shit.  There should be room.  Ah well, it was cheap entertainment.  All I learned was that they were both charter members of the Lying For Jesus Movement.

If they worked half as hard at proving their claims to be true, as they do to try to prove others wrong, they might not be quite so desperate, but my past history has shown that that result seems to be impossible. I think they know that, and don’t want to admit it – but that’s the same argument they use against Atheists.  Damn the counter-arguments!  Full assumption ahead.  😳