Missed Manners

Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies: “Wait a minute; I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry, I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

***

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals? ” The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted. “Could I have a pint of ale? ” “No!” she shouted. “Could I at least use your privy?” “No!” she shouted again. The vagabond said, “Might I please…?” “What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. “D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”

***

URBAN MYTHS? OR INTRIGUING FACTS? – YOU DECIDE!

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE!

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first “Marlboro Man.”

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but, not downstairs.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

#469

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Laugh, And The World Laughs With You

Snore, and you sleep alone.

A Pilot Joke

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses and leather jacket. Saint Peter asks him “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”  The guy replies, “I’m Captain Knight, retired Air Canada Pilot from Toronto. “
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. “
Next up is the priest. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Winnipeg for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. “
“Wait a minute,” says the good father, “that pilot gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? “
“Up here … We go by results,” says Saint Peter, “when you preached, people slept; when he flew, people prayed.”

***

An Airplane Joke

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me. “

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man. “

When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning? “

“Don’t stop!”

***

A Flight Attendant Joke

It was mealtime on a small airline and the stewardess asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
She replied, “Yes or No.”

***

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”

***

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
“Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

***

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough and I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed
They e-mailed with attachments
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell! Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the power went off!

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed!

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted. Satan searching frantically, screaming……. “It’s gone! It’s ALL GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed…. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “Jesus Saves.”

 

Okay, it’s official, sports fans.  Winter has arrived at my place.  I’ve brushed and shoveled a bit of snow a couple of times earlier, but yesterday, the first snowplow went past my house.  No joke!    😦

 

 

 

Funny Bone

I’m really proud of BrainRants being what he is, and doing what he does to preserve our way of life.  He has reasons for spending almost half his life in the U. S. Military, reasons he’s admitted to himself, reasons he’s given to others.  For those of you who wonder, on June 14th, it was all explained.  These are David Letterman’s                     TOP 10 Reasons To Love Being In The U.S Army.

10:  You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten rehydrated beef brisket.

9:  You get to visit exotic places, like Trenton, New Jersey.

8:  No can opener??!  Just run over it with a tank.

7:  Sir, you’re never unsure how to begin and end a sentence, Sir!

6:  Cutting edge technology, like our machine that controls the weather.

5:  I really, really, really, really enjoy pushups.

4:  In an Apache attack helicopter, you tend to have the right of way.

3:  Always have an answer when some fool says, “You and whose Army?”

2:  Camouflage brings out my eyes.

1:  Working among the most talented men and women this country has to offer….and the free haircuts.

Geriatric Care

An old lady goes to her doctor and says, “I have this problem with frequent gas.  Fortunately, when I pass them, they never smell and are always silent.  As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least ten times since I’ve been here, and I bet you never even noticed!”

The doctor says, “I see.  Take these pills, and come back to see me again next week.”

The next week the old lady comes back.  “Doctor” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my silent rippers stink like the dickens.”

The doctor says, “Good!  Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s get to work on your hearing.”

Eco-Savings

While grocery shopping, a budget-watching, and environmentally aware university student comes across toilet brushes.  “Wow!  What a great idea!’ he thinks to himself, and buys three of them.

Two weeks later, however, after much pain and aggravation, he goes back to using toilet paper.

Spring Training

A rookie pitcher was struggling on the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a word with him.  “I’ve figured out your problem.” he told the young pitcher.  “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”  “When is that?” asked the rookie.  “Right after the National Anthem!”

Wine And Dine

Two older people were flirting at a seniors’ singles bar.  After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?”  The old gal replies shyly, “Depends….”

“Depends on what?” he asks.  “On my butt….where else?”

Three Hymns

One Sunday, a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.  He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.  After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had contributed a $100 bill.  Extremely grateful, he wanted to personally thank the generous person in front of the whole congregation.

A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand.  The pastor asked her to come to the front. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and asked her to pick out three hymns.  Her eyes brightened as she pointed to the three handsomest men in the congregation: “I’ll take him, and him, and him!”

Oh dear!  This isn’t working out well.  That’s the third old codger story in this post.  I’m like the guy from Pompeii who knows 500 lava jokes.  Distraction – distraction, I know, let’s poke fun at airheads.

Charmed

The pretty young lady had sharp pains in her side.  The doctor examined her and said, “You have acute appendicitis.”  She replied, “That’s sweet Doc, but I came here for some medical help.”

First Class Act

Kim Kardhasian boarded a plane from New York to L.A with a ticket for coach, because that was all that was available and she wanted to get back to the coast quickly.  Once she boarded, she marched up front and chose a seat in First Class.  The flight attendant checked her ticket and told her to move back to her assigned seat.

She immediately did everything except stamp her feet, hold her breath and turn blue.  “I’m Kim Kardhasian, and I’m going to sit right here, all the way to L.A.!”  Never having been exposed to a celebutant’s temper tantrum before, the flight attendant is flustered.  She goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain.  The Captain goes back and briefly whispers something in Kimmie’s ear.

She immediately gets up, gives the Captain a quick hug, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.  The flight attendant is amazed, and asks him what he said to get her to quietly move.  “I just told her that the First Class section isn’t going all the way to L.A. today.”

And, to end on a technological note:

Clean And Reboot

The cleaning lady was tidying up for the wealthy computer-whiz.  She commented that he had a nice-looking PC.  He looked frustrated, and said, “Yeah, it’s top of the line, but with this new operating system, I can’t seem to get any of my programs to start up today.  Maybe I should let you have a look at it and see if you can figure it out.”

She replied, “I’m sorry sir.  I’d love to help you, but I don’t do Windows.”