A Sign Of The Times

A man rushes into a bar and demands a rubber band martini. “A rubber band martini??” says the bartender. “Yes, and make it snappy.”

***

My boss says that a company’s most valuable asset is its people, but I don’t think that’s right. The people sit in open cubicles, but the toilet paper is in a locked steel box, bolted to the wall.

***

Reverend Jones was the pastor of the large First Baptist Church in town and Reverend Griggs was the pastor at the non-denominational church across the street. The two were working hard together at the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

THE END IS NEAR!
TURN AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

As they hammered away they held a deep theological discussion on the end times. Just as the sign was in the ground, an expensive Tesla went speeding by. The driver leaned out his window and shouted, “You religious nuts!”

As the car rounded a curve, they heard the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash. Rev. Jones looked at Rev. Griggs and asked, “Do you think maybe the sign should have just said, ‘Bridge Out?”

***

It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the neighborhood bar.
It’s a 45 minute walk from the bar, back to my house.

***

My teacher said that unison is not a proper word.
That’s ridiculous; she should know that it’s one buffalo, standing by itself.
If there are two buffaloes, then it’s bison.

***

I tried to sue the local hospital. I explained that after her operation there, my wife had lost all interest in sex.
The hospital representative replied, “Your wife was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was improve her eyesight.”

***

A young frog hears the story about the beautiful girl who kisses a frog and turns him into a prince. He goes to a frog fortune teller and asks if he will ever meet a beautiful young girl. The fortune teller tells him, “Yes, you will and very soon.” The frog replies, “Where? By the lake? By the river?” The fortune teller answers, “In biology class.”

***

Moon

Two blondes were sunning themselves on a California beach. One looks up in the sky and asks the other, “Which do you think is further away, the Moon, or Florida?” “Florida” her friend responds. “Why?” she asks. “Duuhh – you can’t see Florida.”

Lies We (Can) Tell Each Other

Pinnochio

Here’s a chance to lie your face off. Choose any or all of the following questions, and tell it like it isn’t. Go big, or go home. Copy the questions and post them on your own site, for others to see. Imagine away! 😉

  1. Can a woodchuck chuck more wood than a woodpecker can peck?
    2. If you put something where the Sun does not shine, where did it go?
    3. What did Columbus say when he landed in the New World?
    4. Why was Nero playing his fiddle when Rome burned?
    5. If you are retired, can you still observe Labor Day?
    6. Where did the Amazons come from?
    7. Who started the Trojan War?
    8. Since corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
    9. Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
    10. The #2 pencil seems to be the most popular, so why doesn’t someone invent a #1 pencil?
    11. If there was an Eighth Dwarf along with Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Sleepy, what would his name be?
    12. Why are zebras striped?
    13. If the Love Bug hadn’t been a Volkswagen beetle, what would it have been?
    14. Why aren’t we on Cloud 10 when we’re happy?
    15. Why do we draw curtains?
    16. What is the difference between cottage pie and shepherd’s pie?
    17. Are wine gums alcoholic?
    18. What’s the best way to diet?
    19. What is a homonym?
    20. Why do witches always seem to wear stripey socks?

These are my answers, and I’m sticking to them. Make up some of your own.

  1. He could, but it’s a matter of sequence. He has to wait for the woodpecker to peck it loose, before he can chuck it. Like the two Newfies who came to Ontario to find jobs. One was a woodcutter, the other was a pilot. The employment agency didn’t have any call for a woodcutter, but felt they could employ a pilot. “But, if I doesn’t cut it, he can’t pilot!”
  2. Tacoma, Washington
  3. “Here goes the neighborhood.”
  4. Because nobody was allowed to call him a lyre.
  5. Only if you have a young, pregnant, trophy-wife.
  6. I’m not sure. My last one was delivered by a drone.
  7. A hooker with STDs
  8. Not sure, but they DO cry when the drill goes in.
  9. Because, when he’s finished, you’re broker than when he started – also, because all the correct names are prohibited by slander/libel/defamation laws.
  10. Actually, the #1 pencil exists. It’s just that Avis car rental gave away tons of #2 pencils as a marketing scheme. “We’re #2, and we try harder.” Nobody remembers poor #1 pencil. Better to wonder what happened to Preparations A through G.  Take’em and stick ’em…. where the sun don’t shine.
  11. His name is Sleazy. He wasn’t there when Snow White dropped in – just as well. He was in prison with that Epstein pervert.
  12. Even when you say that you’ve spotted a zebra – it’s striped. They decided to give up half their (bad) black pigmentation for better PR, but it didn’t work out.
  13. See #7
  14. Clouds were developed over many years, right up to Cloud 9. When the computer was invented, it was decided not to assign the next one number 10, because it might cause digital confusion. Cloud 9 has been rebranded as Cloud 1001.
  15. I draw a blank on this question. With my shake, I can’t draw curtains. I just download photos of them from Shutterstock.
  16. Obviously cottage pie is eaten indoors, while shepherd’s pie is eaten in the fields with the flock. Sheep are herbivores, so there’s no danger, but watch out for rampaging hedgehogs.
  17. Wine gums are not alcoholic, but a person who eats them often is.
  18. While at the dining table, allow your arms to hang straight down. Bend your elbows 90 degrees. Place your fingers on the top edge of the table, and your thumbs underneath. Grasp the table firmly…. and push away before second helpings.
  19. That’s a nasty, pejorative name that Christian Fundamentalists and other bigots use, when they can’t pronounce LGBT.
  20. See #12 The half of the black stripes that the zebras gave up were used to pattern socks. Only witches would wear the black ones, until they were all used up. Now they wear stripey socks of the whole rainbow of colors – and the Fundies think they’re LGBT.

I feel the truth serum kicking in. I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down Ben Franklin’s kite, and used it to write my next blog-post on. Stop back again in a couple of days, and see what happens when someone makes an honest man of me. 😉

Flash Fiction #211

Round and Round

PHOTO PROMPT © C.E. Ayr

ROUND AND ROUND

There ought to be a picture of Heller’s book, Catch 22, on the office wall as an (un)motivational poster. Herding cats was looking easy.

HR had volun-told him to organize the company Christmas party. It seemed easy, until…. The Alcoholics Anonymous group wanted a pay-bar, and free, non-alcoholic drinks, so that they didn’t stand out. The vegans wanted a menu with yams, not hams, and a table as far from “The Flaming Pit of Death” barbecue as possible. The Indigenous employees wanted a drumming circle….and on, and on, AND ON!

Dilbert wasn’t just a comic-strip character. He was a visionary.

Dilbert

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

friday-fictioneers-badge-web

Flash Fiction #190

Pin The Tail

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

PUTTING THE FUN IN FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC

I hate to do it to Dorothy, but I just can’t invite her and Greg to these neighborhood barbecues any more….

SOMEBODY KEEP AN EYE ON THE PUNCH BOWL!!

He’s the only guy I know who spikes the vodka – with tequila. He drinks a beer to instigate getting a shot. If I drank that much, I’d be comatose.

And that foul mouth of his…. I think alcohol shorts out his volume control. Kids in the next subdivision are learning dirty words. I’ve never seen him sober. How does he hold a job?

Somebody should pin a tail on that jackass.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

’19 A To Z Challenge – D

Mission Impossible

Good morning Mr. Archon. As you can see from the morning news, rogue governments, like those of the fat little North Korean, and the cheesy-headed fool in Washington, are causing the peoples of the Free Blog-World much distress.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to amaze and amuse, educate and enthrall, to bring harmony and joy back to WordPress. Remember, if you or any member of your Impossible Blog Force are captured or killed, the Secretary will

Disavow

any knowledge of your actions. If you are successful, this Internet series will be made into a bunch of second-rate movies, starring some pint-sized, Bible-thumping fool who jumps on couches while on television, and delights in the pain and suffering of women having babies. This blog post will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

I didn’t sign up fer nun of that capchered or killed shit. I jes wanna sit at this here computer-thingy with a cold beer – or 17.

Secatarie??! I ain’t got no damn secatarie. I gotta type this shit out all by myself. ‘N what’s this ‘disavow’ thing? Do that mean the old lady ‘n I ain’t married no more? I called my spawn, bastards offen enuff. Serve ‘em right if they really was. The wife don’t see thuh irony in calling one of ‘em a ‘son of a bitch.’ I guess that ‘disavow’ thing is kinda thuh same as ‘cover yer ass.’ Typical Guvmint.

I doan wanna git capchered urr kilt, so I’m gonna go do sum research fur a word startin’ with E. I’d like this ass-hindment to go to a second season. Ah know yoo wuz amazed thet ah kin put two words in front of th’other. Howz this fer amuzed??

Happy Place

See ya again soon. 😉

I’ve Run Out Of Punny One-Liner Titles

Comedy

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem….
….It’s a solution.

Despite the high cost of living….
….it remains popular.

I before E, except after C….
….disproved by Science

Please cancel my subscription….
….to your issues

Lif is too short

Couldn’t claustrophobia be cured by just thinking outside the box?

Some people are wise….
….some are otherwise

We’ll, we’ll, we’ll….
….if it isn’t autocorrect

Rick O’Shea….
….Is a bulletproof Irishman

My relationship with whiskey….
….is on the rocks

I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging….
….when I’m clearly dilly-dallying.

After my friend turned vegan….
….it was like I’d never seen herbivore

My wife says I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met….
….I’m not buying it

If a midget smokes weed….
….does he get high, or just medium?

I accidentally handed my wife a glue-stick, instead of a Chap Stick….
….She still isn’t talking to me

Some people are like clouds….
….When they go away, it’s a brighter day

What’s black and never works?….
….Decaffeinated coffee, you racist

Life and beer are very similar….
….Chill for best results

Terrible summer for Humpty-Dumpty….
….but he had a great fall

I’m diagonally parked….
….in a parallel universe

One Jackass – Or Two?

Jackass

An Old Man and His Mule

An old man walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching post. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No,… I never did dance… never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fart, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector — not wanting to get his toe blown off — started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old man and the large gaping holes of the twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No Sir… But I’ve always wanted to.”

There are five lessons here for all of us:

  1. Never be arrogant.
  2. Don’t waste ammunition.
  3. Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
  4. Always make sure you know who has the power.
  5. Don’t mess with old people, they didn’t get old by being stupid.