Running Into One-Liners

I’ve found that running is a great way to meet new people….
….Unfortunately, they’re paramedics.

That has too much cheese on it….
….said no-one, ever!

That little scrolly thing to pick the year I was born….
….is getting pretty far.

I learn from the mistakes….
….of people who took my advice.

Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance….
….the 5 stages of waking up.

I’m at the point in life where….
….running errands counts as going out.

Why does the radio stop to tell you….
….that they play non-stop music?

What does a panda cook with?….
….A pan – Duh!

Hyphenated /Non-hyphenated….
….The irony.

If I had a DeLorean, I would probably drive it….
….from time to time.

I react to the word “Tacos”….
….the same way dogs react to the word “Walk.”

Nothing is more difficult than trying to….
….discipline the “You” out of Your child.

A bossy guy walks into a bar and….
….orders everyone a round.

You don’t realize how many people you don’t like….
….until you have to name a baby.

If a bag is non-resealable….
….it contains one serving.

Back in my day, panic buying was….
….when the bartender yelled ‘Last call.’

75% of arguments start….
….because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Is there ever a day when….
….mattresses aren’t on sale?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it.

Introverts unite!  Separately….
….in our own homes.

If you want to impress me with your vehicle….
….it better be a food truck.

It’s time to switch out my regular anxiety….
….for my festive, holiday anxiety.

Fitting into my clothes after Christmas….
….is going to be the real holiday miracle.

Big Shot

I hear many some a few couple of you asking, Archon!  Why aren’t you shooting off your mouth about shooting off several handguns, like you promised back in July?”

It’s like being nibbled to death by ducks.  Want to make God laugh??  Tell him your plans.  😦 What follows is a sad tale of Karma and bureaucracy run wild.

The Grandson’s wife phoned Employment Canada on three separate occasions, to assure that his paternity leave would seamlessly kick in at the end of her maternity leave.  NO PROBLEM!  She called again on November 2, to ask if two unused weeks of her mat. leave could be added to his pat. leave.

Suddenly, there was a signed, physical document that needed to have been in their file by Halloween.  Despite having booked off eight weeks with his employer, now the Government would not pay for it – oh, and her two unused weeks were forfeit.

With a young child and all accoutrements, he recently purchased their first (used) car, and is making monthly payments.  Then he got COVID.  Fortunately, neither his wife nor the little guy was infected.  With two main inoculations and a booster, it wasn’t bad, although her younger brother, who is seeking employment, had to come over for a few days to care for two babies.

The woman who had agreed to become babysitter/daycare about the end of December, wasn’t yet getting that weekly payment, so she applied and got a job.  Search and negotiations for a replacement are still ongoing.

Bad enough that the Employment Canada tentacle of the Federal octopus snatched away ten weeks of benefits, the Income Tax Department tentacle now added insult and injury.  The tax return that he had filed, and was accepted, back in April was re-reviewed, and for some reason, he owed $2300 – payable NOW!  There just is not, currently, the $250 available to pay for this gift.

Meanwhile, over at the gun shop….  They finally emailed him to inform that they did not have a previously-fired Berretta 92F, to substitute for a Glock.  The package had to be accepted as-is.  Oh well…. okay.  He and I had both assumed that we could just make a mutually agreeable appointment time – perhaps one afternoon during his time off.

The gun-shop does not want the clerk to be away from the main sales area for a random hour.  They are trying to book enough clients to fill an entire day, but especially with the resurgence of COVID, they are finding it almost impossible to do.  Neither of us is giving up hope.  It’s just that this little dream might not get fulfilled until this time next year.  If it ever comes to fruition, you’ll be the first second to know.  😀

A Habit Of Telling One-Liners

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”

I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.

The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.

I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.

One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.

I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.

There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.

If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.

The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?

A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.

A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.

The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.

If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.

I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.

Kindergarten Comedy

My Kindergarten students are learning to read.  Recently one of them pointed to a picture in a book and said, “Look, a frickin’ elephant.”
Taking a deep breath, I asked why he had called it that.
“Cuz it says so in the book.”
And so it does – African elephant.

***

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “s*ithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

***

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.

He finds one and then begs “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.”

Well, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?”

The kid looks up at the cop and says, “I don’t know, officer, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

***

A Polish man walks into a store and asks to buy 2 pounds of Polish sausage. The guy behind the counter asks him if he is Polish. “I resent that…”. The Polish man says. “If I asked for chorizo, would you assume I was Mexican? If I asked for Bratwurst, would you assume I was German?” The guy behind the counter says “Nope, I’d still think you were Polish… This is a hardware store!!”

***

A new father and a nurse were filling out the paperwork for the birth of his new daughter.  “What’s the baby’s name?” she asked.
He replied, “Kelsey Noelle.”
Confused, the nurse asks, “How do you spell Kelsey, with no L??”

***

When I was young, I was poor.  Now, after long years of hard, honest work…. I am no longer young.

***

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself, “I’m going to get tossed out of IKEA any minute now.

And Now For Some MATH One-Liners

MATH stands for….
….Mental Abuse To Humans.

I put my root beer in a square glass….
….Now it’s just beer.

Do you know what seems odd to me?….
….Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?….
….It’s two gross.

What are ten things you can always count on?….
….Your fingers.

How can you make seven an even number?….
….Just remove the S.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100….
….She’s a perfect 10, but imaginary.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
….He could binomials.

Why was the equal sign so humble?….
….She knew that she wasn’t greater or less than anyone else.

Why did Pi get his drivers’ licence revoked?….
….He didn’t know when to stop.

Are vampires good at math?….
….Not if you Count Dracula.

Why is math codependent?….
….It relies on others to solve its problems.

How can you stay warm in a cold room?….
….Huddle in the corner.  It’s always 90 degrees.

Why was algebra so easy for the Romans?….
….X was always 10.

What did the zero say to the eight?….
….Nice belt.

Did you hear the joke about the statistician?…
….Probably.

He got soaked crossing a river….
….because it was one foot deep on average.

Why is statistics no-one’s favorite subject?….
….It’s just average.

When you keep missing math class….
….It really starts to add up.

Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?….
….Just cos.

What did the triangle say to the circle?….
….You’re pointless.

What shape should you always be careful of?….
….A trap-azoid.

Who’s the King of the pencil case?….
….The ruler.

What do baby parabolas drink?….
….Quadratic formula.

What do you call an angle that’s gone through the garbage disposal?….
….A wrecked-angle.

I Know My Comedy

I said to myself, “Self,” (and I knew it was me, because I recognized my voice, and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a great day!”

***

I’m sick of following my dreams.
I’m just going to ask them where they are going, and hook up with them later.

***

An elderly man is on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asks to speak to his son: “Don’t be nervous, boy. Just do your best. But remember … if it doesn’t go well and something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you.”

***

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

***

In light of recent police statements that they no longer feel it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries, I have taken down the American flag from beside the house, and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door.  We’ve disconnected our burglar alarm system and quit the Neighborhood watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags on eBay, and planted them in the front gardens, one at each corner, plus a black ISIS flag in the center.  Now the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and every other alphabet agency is watching the house 24/7.

We’ve never felt so safe, and we’re saving $49.99 a month.

***

A con man was arrested for selling bottles of a fluid that he claimed slowed the aging process.  One cop says to his partner, “We better check his record.  He may have tried this before.”  His buddy reports back, “You’re right.  He tried this in 1955, 1893, and 1831.”

***

Archon: “My girlfriend accused me of not being faithful to her.”

Friend: “What did you say to her?”

Archon: “I said, “What would make you think that? She said, ‘You seem to always hang around Rachael.”

Friend: “What happened?”

Archon: “Unfortunately, the voice from my closet said, “It’s Rochelle, not Rachael.”

***

There is nothing worse than hearing people attempt to sound intelligent by using big words, and MISUSING them.

I totally photosynthesize with this.

***

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember…Don’t sing!

***

An old farmer has a small orchard and is collecting fruit in a bucket. As he works his way back into the trees, he hears laughing and splashing coming from a pond behind the orchard. He doesn’t particularly like the idea of people on his property, so he goes to the pond to see who’s there. He suspects it’s college kids since there is a college nearby.
As he comes out from behind the trees, he sees a half dozen college girls are skinny-dipping in his pond. He clears his throat so they’ll know he’s there. The girls scream and swim out to the middle of the pond. “Go away!” they shout. “Are you spying on us? What are you doing here?” “Well,” the farmer answers slowly. “You see, I own this pond…” Then he holds up the bucket, “…and I came to feed the alligator.”

***

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life…

Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Conspiracy Constipation

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Would you blindly take a pill or vaccine without knowing precisely what was in it, just because a doctor or “Professional Health Practitioner” told you to?

YES!
You see this??  Education teaches you this in chemistry and biology.  Knowing this, why the fuck would you think that you know more than someone who spent years studying and learning, and actually knows what these words mean.

IT CONTAINS MORE THAN 4,000 CHEMICALS, AND HAS SPREAD INTO EVERY HUMAN BODY ON EARTH

Among its components are formaldehyde, acetone, ethanol, ketone bodies, dihydrogen monoxide, tryptophan, urea, dehydroepiandrosterone, Hexosephosphate P, and at least 20 kinds of acids.

Nearly every chemical constituent will, in certain concentrations, kill children and adults.

Chemical compounds within it are used in yoga mats, explosives, warfare, and industrial applications.

It is now so pervasive, that every human baby is born with high concentrations of it in his or her tiny body.

Healthcare workers, pharmaceutical companies, and governments conspire to spend Billions of dollars each year, to maintain or increase its presence in ordinary citizens.

IT’S YOUR OWN BLOOD – DUMMY!

Don’t be alarmed by words you don’t understand, or people who want to scare you on Facebook, because they’re bored or stupid, or both.  Read!  Understand!  Reduce the stupid!

Science! It reduces the stupid.

So, get your head out of your a…. Get the shot – both shots!  Wear the damned mask to protect you and everyone else.  It’s not wearing one that makes you look stupid – and selfish, and inconsiderate.  Soon we’ll be able to go back to Shoney’s for Early Bird Dinner.  Don’t worry – Be happy.  Trust the experts.  They really do know more than your cousin Shelly on Twitter.  😳

I Say Old Bean

Old Bean!  New Bean!  Young Bean!  Eventually String-bean.  We have welcomed our precious, hopefully precocious Wee Bean great-grand-son into our lives.  He popped into our reality at 6:48 PM, on April 27th, weighing 5 Lb. – 6 Oz, 19 inches long.  Grand-daughter-in-law says that popped was hardly the word for it.  She worked hard for almost 24 hours to deliver this perfect bundle of joy.

He may always be Wee Bean to Grandma Ladybug, but his Dad and Mom seem to be leaning towards naming him Garion Archon-Scottish IV (Although Rowan hasn’t been ruled out yet) – forever to be known as Gary – second name to follow.  They have 30 days to complete necessary paperwork.

With a new baby on the horizon, the wife, the daughter, her BFF, and his mother all went into nesting mode, and transitioned from merely dedicated knitters, to OCD knitters.  There are piles of knit booties and blankets and moccasins and sweaters and socks and hats and play sets.  The wife knit the hospital hat in the above photo.   He may not realize that clothing comes in fabric until he leaves home.

Even before COVID, it was decided that, like his Father, he would be born at home, in a sterilized bathtub, under the watchful eye and careful care of two registered Midwives and a birth Doula.

HOLD ON A SECOND!

STOP THE PRESSES!

The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglee.

Being their first child, he was in a hurry to be cuter than any kitten video you’ve ever seen.  Instead of waiting till his scheduled due-date of May 18^th to be born, he insisted on arriving almost three weeks ahead of schedule, necessitating a quick taxi trip to the hospital, with the midwives in hot pursuit.  Just in time too.  At that the wee bairn was almost a third the body weight of his tiny mother.  Soon enough, he’ll be tossing telephone poles…. uh, cabers, around.

I’m sure that you join us in happily embracing the arrival of the next link in the chain of my immortality.  You’d better, if you know what’s good for me.

I hope that he grows up to be tall and strong.  He may need to be…. to push me around in my wheelchair.  I’m sure that he’ll get the occasional mention in my posts.  He’s already capturing women’s hearts and wearing plaid diapers.  I’ll publish a notice and provide a link, when he starts a blog of his own.  😎

Get A Grip

I have a gripe with English.  It is said that a man with a watch always knows what time it is.  A man with two watches is never sure.  For a word with one meaning, or even several established meanings, I know what is meant.  For words which keep adding, subtracting, and modifying meanings, I am less and less sure what is meant.

The word ‘grip’ originally meant, a grasp, a grab, a hold, by a person’s hand.  Recently, technology has included machines.  Once upon an archaic, the words ‘grip’ and ‘gripe’ meant the same thing.  (Don’t ask me why.  I can’t get a hold on it.)  Now grip can mean a small suitcase with a handle, which can be grasped and carried by one hand.  Gripe can be a nagging complaint by someone who may not have a firm grip on reality.

At one time, ‘grippe’, which is pronounced grip, but which is neither grip nor gripe, was the word to identify influenza, the ordinary, seasonal, gastro-intestinal ‘flu,’ a kinder, gentler, distant relative to COVID.  “Grippe” could cause abdominal cramps, especially among babies and young children.

To alleviate these symptoms, “Grippe Water” was developed and marketed.  My mother dosed me with it several times.  The original formula contained alcohol and sugar in addition to sodium bicarbonate and dill oil – a couple of stomach calmers, some calories to replace what might have been lost to the illness, and a mild sedative to aid with sleeping.  It was once said that the best remedy for a colicky baby, was a good, thick, oak door.

Then the All-Or-Nothing, Save Us From Ourselves, Snowflakes got a grip on it, and removed all the “bad” ingredients, so present-day products do not contain alcohol or sugar, but may contain fennel, ginger, chamomile, cardamom, licorice, cinnamon, clove, dill, lemon balm or peppermint, depending on the formula.

‘Grippe’ was what caused the cramping, but ‘gripe’ is the term for the actual clutching, grasping intestinal pain.  Since the formula was changed, the name has also been changed.  ‘Grippe Water’ is no more, and the new product is ‘Gripe Water.’  That’s only one of the English terms that I have a gripe about.  😯

Be Good – For Goodness Sake

Stupid – or Stubborn??!  Your call.

Many Christian Apologists, arguing against evolution, deny Darwinism because they believe that it supports a ‘Might Is Right’ stance that doesn’t fit with the ‘God Is Love’ picture that they like to paint.
Seems that the tribes out hunting game, making weapons of war, and raping their neighbors ought to have a genetic leg-up on those singing and dancing to their “gods” around the campfire.

Be Nice – Your Species Will Last Longer

If you’d like another opinion on why to be nice, click here.  https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/185318256/posts/294

British naturalist, Charles Darwin got it right, but a lot of Apologists get it wrong.  Most people assume that Darwin was talking about physical strength when referring to “Survival of the Fittest,” meaning that a tougher, more resilient species will win out over its weaker counterparts.  But what if he didn’t mean that at all??!

He said, “It is not the strongest, or the most intelligent who will survive, but those who can best manage change.”  Charles Darwin

Scientists Brian Hare and Vanessa Woods, both researchers at Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, believe something else has been at work among species that have thrived throughout history, successfully reproducing to sustain themselves, and it has nothing to do with beating up the competition.

Their new book, Survival of the Friendliest: Understanding Our Origins and Rediscovering Our Common Humanity, posits that friendly partnerships among species and shared humanity have worked throughout centuries to ensure successful evolution.

Species endure – humans, other animals, and plants – based on friendliness, partnership, and communication.  People think of it as strong, alpha males who deserve to win.  That’s not what Darwin suggested, or what has been demonstrated.  The most successful strategy in life is friendliness and co-operation.  We (some of us) see that, again and again.

The first question a recent caller to an Atheist podcast had was, “Who took care of the first babies?”  When the answer was, “Their mothers took care of them.” he just laughed and said, “Yeah, right, but who took care of the first babies??”  The host explained that hominids and most other mammals, as well as most birds, and some reptiles, tend and rear their young.  “But a baby can’t even wipe its own butt.  Who took care of them?

After almost five minutes of this “Who’s On First” routine, I realized that, for his understanding of Evolution to be true, at some specific point in time, some or all ape mothers stopped giving birth to baby apes, and started giving birth to baby humans. (Not that there’s that much difference)  The answer is still the same.  Their mothers took care of them.  Has he never read “Tarzan the Ape Man?”  Probably only the comic book version.

When it became clear that neither side understood what the other was saying, he took off in another direction.  Do you believe in DNA?  Of course we believe in DNA.  Well, DNA is a code, and if you have a code, then there must be a code-maker, and that has to be God. DNA is not a code in the way you are referring to it.  Well then, you must believe that fully-formed adult humans just crawled out of a pool of DNA.

It was at this point that the hosts decided that he must be an internet troll, because nobody could be this stupid and uninformed of scientific theories and facts.  I think that they gave him WAYYY too much benefit of the doubt.  The current state of education, especially in the US, and particularly among the willfully ignorant Christian Apologists, means that people like this are far too common.

Despite not knowing what they’re talking about, there is NOTHING that they won’t seize, and present as a gotcha ‘proof’.  One recent unintentional comedian claimed that the head is the home of our intelligence and our spirit, which we use to “know,” and ‘worship’ God.  We are born head-first…. Therefore GOD exists.  😕

Since almost all mammals are born head-first, as well as many birds and reptiles (pecking their way out of their shell), I wonder if he means – and is okay with – hippos and wombats and tortoises, “knowing and worshipping God.”

I am G.O.D. and I can prove that I exist.  I expect a little more worship from you in a couple of days.  Blessed is he who likes and follows.