Spilling a beer is….
…the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
Please do not pet the peeves.
It’s like Harry Potter said….
….Expensive petroleum.
I accidently swallowed a bottle of invisible ink….
….Now I’m sitting in Emergency, waiting to be seen.
Do you need a current licence….
….to drive an electric vehicle?
The first rule of micro-manager club is….
….here, I’ll just show you.
I went swimming in the mall fountain….
….Good money in that.
I needed a password eight characters long….
….so I picked Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.
You call them swear words….
….I call them sentence enhancers.
I love working out….
….Today I did abs….olutely nothing.
Warning: Going to sleep Sunday night….
….will cause Monday.
Today is a good day to….
….have a good day.
Shout-out to ATM fees….
….for making me buy my own money.
Do not read the next sentence….
….You little rebel, I like you.
Kids today are named like ‘Tony’….
….but spell it ‘Toughkneigh.’
(Reality protrusion – American couple just named their daughter Reighfyl, and pronounce it ‘rifle.’)
Eat alphabet soup….
….Have a vowel movement.
Why am I the only naked person….
….at this gender reveal party?
Time travellers’ meeting….
….Last Thursday, 11 P. M.
The problem with censorship….
….is XXXXXXX
What is the best Christmas present?….
….A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.
The Self-Deprecation Society is looking for new members….
….I’ve already put myself down.
The wife’s friend confused her birth control pills with her Valium….
….She has 16 kids, but she doesn’t care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing….
….and then they marry him.
When we go out, I always hold the wife’s hand….
….If I let go, she shops.
Charity begins at home….
….and usually stays there.
Behind every angry woman….
….stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong
I’m going to start collecting highlighters….
….Mark my words.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d ever been with….
….She said, “Yes. All the others were nines and tens”
Don’t irritate old people….
….The older we get, the less ‘Life in Prison’ is a deterrent.