Proving God

Christian Apologists seem eager to prove the existence of God.  Or have the existence proved, since many of them spend more time and energy trying to prove nonbelievers wrong, than in proving their own claims right.

How could it be done??!  In my humble opinion, it can’t!  There is no way to prove an immaterial, supernatural being, in a naturalistic, material world.  It’s a fools’ game, though there’s no shortage of fools trying.

In the mid/late 1800s, there was a Philosopher – a debater, who never lost a debate.  There was another, lesser debater who he had taken a particular dislike to.  He had challenged him many times, but was never accepted.  Finally, he offered to take a position contrary to his oft-stated belief.

He was tall, handsome, well-dressed, intelligent, well-educated, had a broad vocabulary and a powerful voice.  He emoted.  He projected his voice.  He waved his arms and hands – and he won the debate!  So, philosophy, logic, and debate are useless!  😳

I have seen two different Mathematics Professors, using two different sets of algebraic equations, PROVE that 1 = 2, in clear violation of observed reality.  So, mathematics, that pure, sweet language of the cosmos, is useless.  😳

I once read a paper from two Aeronautical Engineers.  They had studied bees, and found that the bees’ wing surface area, compared to their weight, was not large enough – they could not fly.  The bees of course, continued to do so.

With the advent of high-speed cameras, something called rectilinear flexion was discovered.  Bees don’t just flap their wings.  They cup the air the way that swimmers’ hands cup the water, for extra propulsion and lift.

When the top speed in the quarter-mile drag races was approaching 175 MPH, two Automotive Engineers calculated the top limit.  One pound of weight on the drive wheels, equalled one pound of forward thrust.  No-one could exceed 177 MPH.

When the speeds went to 179 and 180, they blamed technological malfunction – the timing lights were misaligned or the primitive electronic speed calculator malfunctioned.  When speeds approached 185, they finally climbed off their slide-rules and discovered directional friction.

So, education, intelligence and Engineering are useless, unless you can be sure that you have all the relevant information.  😦

As a wordsmith, I have noticed that many of the problems, either accidentally, or intentionally, come from language misusage and misunderstanding.  They make claims that sound like they mean one thing, while their definition and belief is something quite different.

There can be no meaningful discussion until all the terms are coherent, clearly defined, and agreed on.  This is not likely to happen in an endeavor where obfuscation is a growth industry.

So, my beloved English language is so misused as to be useless.  😦

Those who say, Oh, you wouldn’t believe, even if someone presented proof. are being disingenuous.  They are admitting that they don’t have convincing evidence.  I know a secret, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.  It’s a good excuse to never have to present a verifiable, falsifiable argument.

If the God that so many of them claim to believe in actually exists, He would know exactly what it would take to convince me of His existence.  The fact that He has never done so, either means that He doesn’t exist, or doesn’t care if I believe.  Do unto me, as your God has done unto me.  Go away, leave me and other non-believers alone, take a pill, and dial back the anxiety.  If I’m wrong, it won’t be the reason you don’t go to Heaven.  😦

’22 A To Z Challenge – X

Really, officer, this is all just a big mistake!
I wasn’t even in Ponoka, Alberta on April 17^th.

The X word for this year’s challenge is

XERXES

I dunno what it means….
(It’s sliced ground-lamb loaf in a pita, with grape leaves and yoghurt – isn’t it?)

It’s just an X-cuse to tell you about sofree.ca – The Society of Freethinkers – who I occasionally join for a Sunday brunch.  The very name irritates some Christian Apologists.

They just call themselves Free Thinkers so they don’t have to say that they’re Atheists, and can’t prove that God doesn’t exist.

They’re not really Free Thinkers ‘cause they refuse to think about the possibility that God really exists.

Most, if not all, Free Thinkers are Atheists; but even so, they don’t have to prove that God doesn’t exist.  The burden of proof is on the Theists.  If they claim that God exists, they need to show some evidence to back up their beliefs and claims.

The Society is not an Atheist group, as such.  Its thrust is to ensure that they and others are free to think and believe as they see fit.  It lobbies for separation of Church and State.  They want to end Christian-only prayers at football games between school teams which include Muslims, Jews, Atheists, and others.

They would like Christian prayers at city councils, Provincial government, and Federal Parliament ended.  Already, one female American lawmaker has attempted a bill which would require a sworn oath of Christian affiliation for government employees – in direct contravention of the Constitution.

As for the claim about the refusal to admit the possibility of God’s existence – most have considered it deeply…. for years, and have found the likelihood to be so slim as to dismiss it unless and until convincing evidence is presented.

Both I and this blog-post are now X-hausted.  Today is Family Day in Ontario, so the old, retired guy with no job gets a day of rest.  😀

Another Pot Of Christian Tea

Portions of my June Anti-Religion rant were downloaded and republished by a different Christian apologist, with many of the same, silly, baseless arguments.

Woke Atheist Insists, “You have to accept it” | Shadow To Light (wordpress.com)

Woke Atheist insists, “We Just Have To Accept”

Archon’s Den replied:

Personal feelings, personal testimony, personal experience, intuition, etc. do NOT count as evidence, when applied to something outside yourself.  They are, however, the only valid way to know what is happening in anyone’s mind.  Lia could state that she is a Cincinnati Reds fan, a non-smoker, a vegetarian, and likes heavy metal music, and you have to accept that.  And if she says that she feels more like a girl than a guy despite the plumbing, just as she feels more like voting for Biden than Trump – that’s an objective proof.  You have to accept it, even if you are a dyed-in-the-wool Republican.  She is, and will remain, the best judge of what she thinks, feels, and believes.  She identifies as a female personality, trapped in a male body.

Did you notice that,” if she says that she feels more like a girl than a guy despite the plumbing, ….that’s an objective proof.  You have to accept it.”

No, it’s not an objective proof and I don’t “have to accept it.”  There are two common traits among human beings – deception and delusion.  It is NOT uncommon for people to lie nor is it uncommon for people to be deluded (have beliefs that don’t match reality). Therefore, it is possible that Thomas is lying, and if that is not the case, it is possible that Thomas is deluded. Archon’s Den would have us abandon these possibilities, as if they could never ever be true, and instead embrace Thomas’s claims on blind faith.

Let me demonstrate the complete absurdity of Archon’s Den’s position with a concrete example.

Consider this person: and presents a video of a young female who thinks that she is a bird, and uses ey/em/eir pronouns because birds don’t inherently have a gender. (Spoiler alert – Yes they do!)  And no one has the right to expect me to believe she is a bird.  Yet according to Archon’s logic, “You have to accept it.” 

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Woke party!
I detest the whole woke movement.  I feel that it is an exaggerated extension of PC (Politically Correct.)  It is the chance for many people, who don’t know what they are talking about, and many of whom don’t have a dog in the fight, to make unsupported claims, and demand that others accept them – sort of like what you’re doing now.  To pretend that you know what I think and believe, and claim that I am a “Woke” Atheist shows that you are either deluded or lying.

What I don’t understand, is the fervent need to finely split Theological hairs on this subject, unless it’s to cover a religious bald spot in your argument.  It has nothing to do with the existence of God.  It’s just a bunch of self-righteous Christian bullies, again insisting on what others must say, do, or think.  The last time that became organized, it was called The Inquisition, and did not end well.

You must have been in a real hurry to jog past the ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ spot, which really has nothing to do with you.

As for your bird-brained little Gotcha….
So it’s rather amusing to realize that while woke atheist Archon insists there is “no evidence for god,” he/she believes that girl in the video is a bird (assuming Archon is intellectually sincere and practicing what he/she preaches).

Despite claiming that they read my post, it is apparent that they are still incapable, or unwilling, to understand and accept the differences between ‘Internal’ and ‘External – between ‘Objective’ and ‘Subjective,’ producing another instance of Deluded or Lying.

Lia never made the external claim that she WAS a woman, only that her soul (for those who believe in such foolishness) felt like a woman’s, in a male body.  Little Miss ey/em/eir claims that she IS a bird.  I am quite willing to be intellectually sincere, only if she flies up into a tree, builds a nest, and lays an egg.  That’s what I practice, but I never preach.

***

BTW:  On neither of these websites did I make the claim that there is “no evidence for God.”  I have, in the past, said that there is “not sufficiently convincing evidence”, but that’s a grey horse of a different color.  😳

As a matter of fact, on neither of these websites did I state that I am an Atheist.  While not incorrect, that claim is unfounded.  All I did was question the linguistic and logic misusages.  I could have been an outraged Woke Christian.  This is divisive tribalism at its worst.  “If ya ain’t fer us, yer agin us!”   😈

Walk This Way

We all do it, to some extent.  Christians do it more than Atheists.  What is IT??!

“IT” is to assume that other people think, feel, and act just like you do.

It is like comparing British English to American English.  The words are the same, but the conclusions they reach and the information they convey, are vastly different.  I think that I felt it, but I had it clearly pointed out to me by a young, Atheist YouTuber.

He had been raised as a fervent, evangelical Catholic.  In his teens, he began to question!!  By twenty, he admitted that he had become an Atheist.  His Bible-thumper Mother was appalled, and tried to lure/force him back.

First, she accused him of “Just blindly believing what those Atheist books say.” – because she blindly believed in a book.  He explained that he had not read most of the books she was worried about, and the couple that he had, he had not read until after he had declared himself an Atheist.

While he had not read the evil Atheist books, and had arrived at his position through years of careful study and research, she then accused him of just unquestioningly accepting the non-religious claims of Atheists who establish themselves in authority – because she unquestioningly accepts the self-declared authority of The Catholic Church.

I recently listened to a Christian apologist try to wiggle out from under an Atheist complaint about the Christian concept of infinite punishment in Hell, for the finite crime of not believing.  His justification was that, the infinite punishment was not for merely not believing, but that Atheists die, and go to be judged, and are cast into Hell, and the infinite punishment is because, even in Hell, they continue to ‘deny God.’

I find this apologist scenario preposterous.  Any Atheist who dies, expecting to just fade out, who finds his spirit, his soul, his consciousness, his personality, still coherent and miraculously transported to Heaven, faces God, is condemned to Hell, and who is suffering horrible tortures – would admit to observed reality and accepted truth – not petulantly continue to ‘deny God,’ whatever that means.  But the Christian apologist believes that the Atheist would – because he would!

Frank Turek, a Christian debater, whose slick, used-car-salesman face beams down from the top of this post, was asked if there was any information or argument that might make him change his mind.  He responded with a Bible verse which orders the loyal to reject anything which might cause them to doubt.  No matter how reliable, proven, or convincing the facts and evidence are, Turek and his ilk will simply deny it!  😳

To even try for a non-believer to have a discussion with a Christian about morals/morality, seems doomed to failure.  It will not become a debate or a conversation.  It is like two solitudes, shouting past each other.

The Christian will allege that there are Objective Morals, things which are good or evil, whether or not people exist.  Without any evidence that either of them exists, they claim that God defines and enforces morals, despite the fact that great swathes of Good Christians disregard and disobey them, filling prisons, divorce courts and rehab facilities.

The very words morals, and morality have been hijacked by Christian debaters.  Like sin, they are something that their God wants mankind to do, or not do.  Atheists have ethics, and evolution-induced empathy.  If Atheists can get Christians to agree that reduction of harm and increase in happiness and wellbeing is an acceptable subjective basis, then we have Objective Atheist Morals, and all without God.

Apologists Haven’t A Brain In Their Heads

THAT is MY BRAIN!

At least that’s what the office told me when they gave me the disk of pictures. I have no other pictures of my brain with which to compare, and I’ve never seen my brain in person so as to recognize it from these hazy black and white pictures which I’m told came from a big magnet. It remains entirely possible that the pictures on that disk are pictures of somebody else’s brain.

Or that this is a Xerox image of something made entirely of playdough.(sic) I can’t prove that it’s not.

It may not be my brain on the disk, and in fact may not be pictures of anybody’s head at all but may be computer-generated. It’s not impossible.  Maybe the people with problems that require a brain-scan are the only ones who have brains.

In modern America VERY few people have even seen the inside of ANY mammal skull so as to see that there is a brain inside, let alone any human heads.  The number of medical and scientific personnel who claim to have seen inside a human head is a VAST minority of the total.  They except(sic) that we have sent what three or four rovers all the way to Mars and yet they don’t believe in God.

Atheists say that they have never seen God and that I have never seen God and they demand evidence.  They believe electrons exist, having never seen one. They believe the wind exists having never seen it. They believe gravity exists having never seen it. They believe in all kinds of things they have never seen. You know why? Because they’re not really skeptics. There are just some things they don’t want to believe, so they pretend that they are skeptics, when in fact, they are just rebellious sinners.

Except…. that the correct word is accept.  I would think that you would be familiar with one of the most important words of your faith system, considering the number of things that you are expected to blindly accept.  Perhaps you have never seen it in print, and are just taking someone else’s word for it.

Every med student in every medical college in the USA, Canada, and probably around the world, must assist in the dissection of a human cadaver.  The skull is sawed open.  The brain is removed and examined.  The same is true for most veterinary students, with a dog or cat.  This alone consists of tens of thousands of people each year.  And then there are abattoirs and meat-packing plants….

We can also include pathologists, and coroners and their assistants, and police officers and paramedics, who, too often, get to see human brains that didn’t need MRIs.  Until one of them finds a skull with no brain in it, I’m going to assume they all do, with the possible exception of yours.  They are a minority – but hardly a VAST one – totalling several million people.

While actually seeing God would be a good start to accepting His existence, not all evidence need be visual.  Do Christians have Faith that electrons exist?  Atheists accept that they do because they can see the actions they cause; televisions glow, cell phones communicate with each other, and ovens get hot.

Atheists (and everyone else) can feel the wind blow, and see its effects, from tornadoes, to kids’ kites flying, to wind turbines.  We don’t need to see the wind to know that it exists.  I can see gravity working every time I drop something.  It will accelerate toward the center of the Earth (or any other celestial body).

On Earth, its speed of fall will increase by 9.8 meters/second/squared.  It has done so each and every observed and measured time.  Only when a dropped pen starts drifting upward will I doubt the existence of gravity.  You can tell me that God makes my light bulbs shine or that angels hold my feet (and every other object) to the ground.  I will rely on reasonable expectations based on a history of testable and repeatable actions.

I will believe the hypotheses of reputable scientists, who have shown their work, rather than the far less coherent and parsimonious claims that Christians make.  I will believe in space/time curvature rather than angels.  Atheists often say that they have not been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence, but evidence is information which convinces, or tends to convince, regarding any given matter.  If it does not convince to some degree, it is not ‘evidence,’ it is just another unverified claim.

I want to believe the most true things, and the fewest false things as possible.  Despite your desperate attempt at mind-reading and fortune-telling, I am not a rebellious sinner!  After 2000 years of asking Christians for evidence, the best they seem to be able to come up with is, ‘You just have to have faith, and you won’t know until you die.’  That is unacceptable to me – no sin involved.  👿

Tempest In A Theological Teapot

I recently read a rant about gender reassignment.  https://shadowtolight.wordpress.com/2022/03/22/one-simple-question-for-woke-atheists/  The author, and six or eight of his testosterone-infused followers had their Theistic jock-straps in a bunch, because Thomas had become Lia.  He titled it One Simple Question For Woke Atheists.  I asked how the title had anything to do with the existence of Atheists, or God.

I got back:  Atheists insist “there is no evidence for god.” Entailed in their atheism is the notion that all beliefs about reality should be supported by convincing evidence. And, personal feelings, personal testimony, personal experience, intuition, etc. do NOT count as evidence.

Woke people believe Thomas is a woman because he, I mean she, says so and if you dare to disagree with Thomas, it is because you are an evil, transphobic, bigot.

I’m looking to see if the Woke atheism is a coherent, reasonable position or whether it is inherently irrational due to its arbitrary, make-it-up-as-you-go, essence. That is, either come up with another way to define atheism or provide the evidence that Lia Thomas is a woman. Of course, I already know that Woke atheism is irrational, so I’m just illustrating it.

Atheism is the lack of belief in God, or gods.  Everything else is something else!  There is no “Woke Atheism”!  There is a Woke point of view, and it is shared by Atheists and Christians alike.  People who accept Atheism, are also likely to support Lia, but there are many Atheists who do not.  Conversely, there are many ‘Good Christians’ who would.  Woke or not, this is not “an Atheist position,” any more than Westboro Baptist Church protesting at a serviceman’s funeral, is a Christian one.

The difference between believing in God, and believing in Thomas as a woman is that, God is external, and Lia is internal.  God is subjective, and Lia is objective.

If God exists, He is outside: outside each believer, outside the Universe, outside Nature, and outside reality.  If you claim that He is real, you’d better come with some solid evidence.  All your faith, and belief, and claims, and hopes, and wants, and needs are not going to magick Him, or my acceptance, into existence.  Nothing is made-up-as-we-go.

Personal feelings, personal testimony, personal experience, intuition, etc. do NOT count as evidence, when applied to something outside yourself.  They are, however, the only valid way to know what is happening in anyone’s mind.  Lia could state that she is a Cincinnati Reds fan, a non-smoker, a vegetarian, and likes heavy metal music, and you have to accept that.  And if she says that she feels more like a girl than a guy despite the plumbing, just as she feels more like voting for Biden than Trump – that’s an objective proof.  You have to accept it, even if you are a dyed-in-the-wool Republican.  She is, and will remain, the best judge of what she thinks, feels, and believes.  She identifies as a female personality, trapped in a male body.

I and other Atheists are approached by Apologists demanding that we Prove Atheism, or Prove Atheism is true.  They seem to feel that, like Christianity, Atheism should have an all-encompassing worldview, with tenets and dogma and scripture, and leaders.  That is not the case.  It is a position on one single point – the lack of belief in a God, or gods.  Atheists have not been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence.  I can quickly and accurately ‘Prove’ my Atheism.  I do not accept your ridiculous claims about your imaginary friend.  That is honest and true, and objectively valid.

Somebody Kicked His Imaginary Puppy

Even when I Have Nothing To Say About Christianity, some of them get all butt-hurt about it.  Yay me!  I’d take a victory lap – if it was a real accomplishment.

One fundamental reality that those who call themselves atheists don’t realize is this; there is an extraordinarily cunning being who is elated that they refuse to believe in God and will do what it takes to keep them in that state of delusion.

I mean, he even offered God in the flesh incentives to deny Himself.

Awwww.  Did someone kick your imaginary puppy??!  I’ll pray that Jesus comes to stroke your fevered brow, and make everything all better…. while you’re busy refuting these memes.  That Iceland one might be a problem.  You could claim that God-appointed, Donald Trump was prevented from buying it, and folding it into the Holy Christian American Empire.

So few words – so many misconceptions.

The most cunning trick that the Mother Church ever pulled, was to convince the faithful that Satan exists – and They (and only They) can protect you, if you just give up…. 10% of your income, your autonomy, your ability to think – critically.

The language usage is devious, and questionable, being used to prop up shaky assumptions and claims.  The existence of God, or the Devil, is not a fundamental reality, unless and until proof or at least sufficiently convincing evidence is presented.  Your blind belief, no matter how strong, does not ensure that it is the truth.

those who call themselves atheists  Atheist do not “call themselves Atheists,” like it was some trendy term they just pulled out of their ass, any more than Christians just call themselves Theists.  These are linguistic definitions, based on individuals’ belief, or lack thereof.  Some people’s gullibility level is just higher (or lower) than others’.

Atheism is generally, just not believing in the existence of God – or gods.  It is having not been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence.  There are some Atheists who would refuse to believe in the Christian God.  Most Atheists I know, myself included, would quickly and rationally believe – just as soon as that evidence is provided.  To even suggest otherwise is foolish.  I mean, c’mon, salvation, eternal life, Heaven…. and especially Hell, if they were clearly shown to exist.  It is the religious who most often reject any position which does not agree with their presuppositions.

Especially for the believers in the tripartite God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – there are some convincing refutations.  If Jesus is God, who did He pray to in the Garden of Gethsemane?  While he was on the cross, He said, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”  If Jesus was God, why did He have to report this?  Was the Internet down that day??!

Bobby Butthurt has unintentionally provided me with yet another contradiction – an arguing point that I had not previously considered.  I mean, he even offered God-in-the-flesh incentives to deny Himself.  If Jesus is God incarnate, creator and owner of infinity, and all that is – what could Satan possibly offer him as incentives??!  What do you get a deity Who already has everything?  😕

Creating God

Define the God you believe in, and tell me why you believe.

For any debate or discussion between Atheist and Christian, this is a good idea.  It assures that both parties are talking about the same thing.

At no other time is it a good idea to just let each person define their deity.  If God exists, He/She/It/They are far too vast and varied for a mere human mind to comprehend.  This is why Christians are often disappointed when Atheists fail to believe, because the claims are impossible, or internally contradictory.  There just does not seem to be any way to present a coherent definition of “GOD.”

The first claim that many Christians make about their definition of God, is that (it’s almost always a) He is the Creator of all things.  Even if there were some evidence that was true, it still doesn’t make the Creator, a “God”.  Even if some entity caused it, it may have been accidental, and unintentional – or it may have been intentional, but irrelevant, like a young boy with an ant farm.

No way does the mere claim of a Creator, turn it into a God.  A God wants something – both for us and from us.  He would want to give us life, and a universe to exist in.  He wants worship, obedience, belief and faith.  He wants to give us morals, and rules to live by.  A Creator wants and needs none of that.

In my opinion, Deism is the most useless, contradictory belief position.  A Deist believes in a Creator, but does not believe in a personal God.  A Deist believes in “The Watchmaker God,” an entity of some sort which produced our Universe, wound it up like a watch, with all its physical rules, and then just sits back and watches it – like the lad above, with the ant-farm, an uninvolved observer of His creation, whether unwilling or unable to affect us or our situations.

An invisible God is indistinguishable from a non-existent God.  A ”Creator” which performs no miracles, who answers no prayers, who gives nothing to us, and asks nothing of us, quickly becomes indistinguishable from that non-existent God.  Most Deists don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, salvation, or any sort of life after death.  I’ve got a pet rock from the ’80s that can do that much.  Any Theist who wants non-believers to accept claims of his particular pet Deity, had better be ready to offer more than a ‘Creator.’  He’ll need evidence of some sort, of supernatural involvement in the natural world.

I don’t know even how the supernatural could be viewed, recorded or measured, ‘naturally.’  Christians often ask Atheists what sort of evidence would convince them of the existence of a God.  The short answer??  Empirical!  The conversation will not even begin until they can present a verifiable, repeatable occurrence that can not be shown to have a natural explanation.

Flash Fiction #268

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

UNSECURED LOAD

Without any justification, the Bible-thumper continued to pile up his unproven claims.

The Atheist has no belief.
He believes everything you do, minus your God claim.

He despises religion.
Some do.  Many despise what the Religious do to those outside their circle.

He knows nothing about Christians.
He knows nothing about the Bible.
Yet complains about the number of ‘former clergy’ who are now Atheists.

Hates Christianity, but admits its benefits.
A lie can make you feel good.  The truth shall set you free.

He keeps himself from knowing the truth about God.
Deny, accuse: we still see your insecurity.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Comedy Conversion Therapy

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe.  Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father.  Do ya’ think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

***

“Mommy, my turtle is dead,” little Freddie sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, “That’s all right.  We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.  After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.  I don’t want you….” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
“Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all.”
“Oh,” the disappointed boy said. “Can I kill it?”

***

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it.  It’s an asshole!”

***

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Wings!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

***

A little boy was swearing at birds that were eating the seeds he had just planted.  The minister hears this and goes over to the little boy.  “My son, there is no need to use the F word to chase the birds away.  Just say ‘shoo away birds’ and they will fuck off by themselves”

***

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant.  “Did you kill that?” he asked.
The pigmy answered: “Yes”.
“How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?”
“I killed it with my club” replied the pigmy.
“That’s amazing,” said the explorer.  “How big’s your club?”
The pigmy replied: “There’s about 150 of us”