Holy One-Liners

 

TV evangelists….
….do more than lay people.

People treat me like a God….
….They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing….
….That can be a slippery slope.

The mailman just told me a joke….
….It wasn’t very funny, but he delivered it well.

When you die, people cry and beg you to come back….
….but when you do, there’s screaming and running.

Thieves stole twenty cases of Red Bull….
….I don’t know how these people can sleep at night.

My drug test came back negative….
….My dealer has some real explaining to do.

There’s no official training for trash collectors….
….They just pick things up as they go.

My wife wanted to learn to drive….
….I didn’t stand in her way.

The shinbone is a device….
….for locating furniture in a dark room.

I went to an acupuncturist….
….When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

Time may be a great healer….
….but it’s a lousy beautician.

Spiders are the only web designers….
….who are happy when they have a bug.

So, a burglar broke into the house….
….I put a red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.

If God had meant for us to vote….
….He would have given us candidates.


You read my doormat….
….That’s enough social interaction for today.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes….
….so she gave me a hug.

Day 12 without chocolate….
….Lost hearing in my left eye.

A dog accepts you as the boss….
….A cat wants to see your resume.

OOPS….
….Did I roll my eyes out loud?  😳

Pillow Talk

I was comfortably lounging on the couch, and doing it in a highly competent, professional manner.  I was searching for a blog theme – something that I could compose a post about without too much work, but still interesting to my readers.  Suddenly I thought, Eureka, (or maybe it was Gesundheit – one of those Greek words)!  I’ll do a bit of research, and write about us seniors’ new BFF, the pillow.

The word “pillow” dates back to the 12th century.  It comes from the Latin pulvinus, which means “cushion,” but archeologists say that pillows of various kinds, ranging from plant-filled skins, to comfortable rocks, have probably been used far back into human prehistory.

The oldest known pillows date back to the oldest civilizations, with references to pillows in ancient Sumerian cuneiform texts.  Ancient Egyptians placed feather-filled pillows in the tombs of their mummified dead.

Pillows are mentioned in the Bible, but they are not referred to favorably.  The Book of Ezekiel says, Woe to those who apply pillows to their elbows.  Scholars believe that the text refers to ‘false prophets,’ who Ezekiel felt were insufficiently austere.

You know how your pillow sometimes feels too warm, and you have to keep turning it over to get to the cool side?  Well, now a company called “Sooth-Soft” has come out with The Chillow, “a fluid-filled, eco-friendly, cushioning device, that keeps you cool without electricity.”  It’s actually gotten rave reviews, and they make one for dogs, too.

Are you the laziest person on Earth?  (Why else would you be reading my post about pillows?)  The PerCushion Pillow Phone could be made just for you.  It’s a combination pillow/cell phone, with a microphone, loudspeaker, and Bluetooth wireless connection built in.  When the pillow rings, just lie there and answer it.  Genius!

In 2015, Jeanette Hall, a taxidermist in Nevada, started offering to transform deceased cats and dogs into pillows – for $75-$100.  Unfortunately, the offer led to “hundreds of hate emails from around the globe.”  The outrage baffled the taxidermist, who claimed that she had many happy customers.  “Most people were happy that Fluffy was still on the couch.” She said.

Sleep researchers have discovered that, when clocks are set back an hour at the end of Daylight Saving Time, car accident rates plummet, probably because of the extra hour of sleep.  Try to get some additional sleep on your comfy pillow, but don’t wait an extra hour to read my next exciting, informative post.  😀

***

BTW:
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to Me.
Happy birthday, happy birthday,
Happy birthday to me!

With the help of my pillows, and all my other helpers – eyeglasses, magnifying glasses in every room, as of 2:00 AM, E.S.T. I have achieved 78 years of age.  I have not matured like fine wine.  More like milk – chunky and bitter.  😳

Tweets For Twits

I can’t be everywhere, and do everything at once.  I’m only G.O.D.  so I prayed to my friend God, to increase Mankind’s average intelligence.  It’s a long, slow job, so He opened a Twitter account, to say some things on my behalf.

Homosexuality is not a choice.
Homophobia is.

Abortion should only be permitted in the case of rape, or incest, or when a woman wants it.

If I had wanted people to wear COVID masks, I would have made them with the ability to manufacture and wear them – which I did.

Most people who question the legitimacy of the COVID vaccine, do not question the legitimacy of a 2000-year-old book that says I had a son who rose from the dead.

I’m going to turn the Universe off, and then on again and see if that works.


He didn’t have a driver’s license either, dipshit


Wrong!  That’s why I gave you two hands.

Every word in the Bible is literally true.
It’s just when you group them together into sentences, that problems arise.

I don’t recall making you this stupid.

Funny, you never hear of anti-ventilators.

Next time, dogs own people.

Every dog is a therapy dog.

The same people who won’t believe the sea is rising, happily believe My son could walk on it.

There is no vaccine against stupid.
And if there were, the stupid wouldn’t take it.

Every day I meet more and more unvaccinated people.

Out of curiosity, where were you all planning to move, after you’ve destroyed the Earth?  Because I assume you’ve thought that through, right??!

At this point, the idea that I would ever “Bless America” is so absurd it’s funny.


And soon you’ll get to thank him in person.

This Thanksgiving, I’m grateful to those who don’t believe in me, for protecting the world from those who do.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, ON A BIBLE, is one of life’s great ironies.

Will the owners of the blue planet between Venus and Mars, please attend to your vehicle!
It’s overheating!

Bullshit

I applied to be a god in India, but apparently they’re overstaffed.

The great thing about COVID is it’s willing to change to be part of your life.

The COVID vaccine is part of a secret Government plot to keep you alive, so that you can work productively and raise your children.

If you think I’m pro-life, you’ve never read the Old Testament.

Fuck You!

When someone says, “I have a right to my opinion.” They mean, “I have a right to someone else’s opinion that I found online.”

People, I can’t just ‘damn’ any ‘it’ that you’re mad at.  That’s a procedure. Do the paperwork.

The first step in saving life on Earth, is admitting that you are the problem.

I apologize to my non-American followers for the strictly US focus recently.
Now that the election is over, I promise to tell you how shitty your countries are too.

My Son’s middle name is Fucking.

I never would have made you this smart if I knew you were going to be this stupid.

When people say, ”Jesus take the wheel” they forget that He no longer has feeling in his hands.

Thinking that ”They’re out to get you,” falsely implies that you are worth getting.

I TOOK BETTY WHITE??!  NOW?
I am a terrible, horrible cruel, miserable God.

I am developing a new strain of anti-vaxxer that is even more resistant to reality.

Instagram and Facebook are currently not working, as are Democracy, Society, and a healthy sense of self.

Sometimes in life, all you need is for half the country to shut up.

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Lose twenty planets
Exorcise more
Blight more veggies
Work on the Upsilon variant
Bless fewer sneezers
Bless fewer countries
Save fewer Queens
Be more judgemental
Work more mysteriously
Floss

I cannot believe what people can believe.

He says it much better than I can, but He’s not done talking.  He’ll/we’ll be back.   😛

Through A Theist Glass, Darkly

How fear of Atheism gets some Christian Apologists all turned around, mirror-image.

If Atheism are true, and there is no God

  1. Humans were moist robots
  2. Humans had no mind
  3. Humans had no emotion
  4. Humans had no free will
  5. If universe is at it is, and yet we know that universe will end one day, then the universe will be in doom
  6. There is no good and no evil if atheism is true

If there is no final Judgement, it’s like somebody murdered someone else, deep in the forest and nobody saw it happen, then they wouldn’t get arrested or charged or put in prison.

# !  That’s a very emotion-driven, sensationalistic claim but, SO WHAT.  We are what we appear to be – sentient beings, constantly striving, constantly learning, constantly improving, always trending upward, for the betterment of ourselves as individuals, and as a race – and all of it without an absentee-landlord puppet-master, so, we are hardly robots.

# 2  Oh, these poor Christian Apologists – they are nothing without their God-crutch.  I don’t know how to rebut this assertion, except to say that it is silly and untrue.  I did not ask the writer to explain and justify his claim.  Previous similar attempts have just produced bewildered responses like, Of course it’s true!  That’s obvious! when it is definitely not obvious.

#3  First we had no thought.  Now we have no feelings, without God the orchestra leader.  Such a bleak, morbid, and dismal outlook!  😯  While the belief in the existence of God can’t be proven, for writers like this, perhaps it is better that he continue to do so.  He seems to need some solid emotional and psychological support to keep from slipping into the abyss of clinical depression.

#4  Another unsupported, mirror-image claim.  😕  If God exists, as writers like this claim, and He ‘knows all,’ past, present and future, then His perfect and unchanging plan means that everything we do is predestined, and there is no such thing as free will.  Only the nonexistence of God in any way makes us free – but that’s only another thing that worries such writers.  We should only be free (?) to agree to worship their God.

I don’t know how he equates free will, with a deity which has a Top Ten and 603 following commandments about what you can eat, drink, wear, and who you can do it with.

#5  English is not his first language.  Perhaps this cavil makes more sense in Korean.  He’s right.  Whether God exists or not, the Universe will, one day, die the heat-death of entropy – a very natural occurrence.  It’s just that we won’t be around to experience it, so he’ll have to explain to his mental-health counsellor, why he attaches the word ‘doom’ to it.

#6  “Good” and “Evil” do not exist as tangible entities.  “Evil” tends to be a term used by religious/Christians, indicating intent.  Atheists usually substitute ‘good and bad,’ natural descriptors which can exist without a God.  Good is that which increases my well-being and/or happiness.  ‘The greatest good, for the greatest number.’  Bad is that which decreases my well-being – and those around me, and the entire human race.

Being convinced to drink disinfectant to, ‘cure COVID’ might even make me happy, but it does not increase the well-being of my widow, or my children, who are now without a father and provider.

***

While he does not use the word in his final complaint, he implies the Hell out of the concept of ‘Fair.’  Fair is where you take your pig, to have it judged.  The Universe is supremely disinterested in the human concept of justice.  Things like his example occur all the time.  Again, SO WHAT??!  !sneppah tihS

Even the existence of his hypothetical God does not guarantee justice, or ‘fair.’   Someone like failed-Catholic, Adolf Hitler, might repent at the end, confess his sins, plead for forgiveness, and go to Heaven, while Anne Frank is sent to Hell.  👿

Malleable Morals

In the middle of a pile of feel-good, but unproven, religious claims, the amateur Christian Apologist suddenly – CLEARLY – wrote….

But we know genocide is evil. Since it IS morally wrong, we know there must be a standard beyond us which is the standard of goodness, righteousness, and justice.  That standard is God. And without God, you can’t say genocide is wrong because that’s just your opinion.

If genocide is evil, and morally wrong, why does the God of the Bible not only condone it, but urge and support it??! I’d ask the Amalekites, but…. you know.   😳

The Amalekites were burning their new born babies over statues as a sacrifice to their gods. They were raping and murdering people. That’s who they were. They were evil and wicked people.

 Is genocide evil and immoral, or not??! You posited a concrete, objective statement that it was, with God as the good, moral, righteous and just basis. Now you seem to be claiming that even though God caused and aided the genocide, the people who were wiped out deserved it.

Maybe they did, but you can’t have it both ways. Now your claims and morals, and the morals of your God, are suspect and subjective. Even your God’s little flood snit-fit to cover the fact that He had made a mistake, and was not in control, was the greatest example of genocide ever recorded…. or made up. The Egyptians and the Chinese don’t seem to have noticed it.   😯

One of my readers wondered why I seem to avoid addressing good Christian arguments, and only pick on the stupid ones.  Partly, it’s because of the entertainment value, but it’s mostly because there are no ‘good’ Christian arguments – only less stupid ones.  It’s all low-hanging fruit.

A young – but none too bright – Apologist has his own YouTube channel, where he posts videos refuting Atheists’ claims, although it often seems as if the whole point is to make Atheists look good.  He supported Ray Comfort’s Holy Banana theory, until an Atheist shot it down in flames.

He recently posted a video in which he, in all apparent seriousness, claimed that, Evolution must be false, because it’s racist.   Darwinism relies on “Survival of the Fittest,” and, if we evolved from African-Americans, how could there still be African-Americans??

If Americans came from Europeans, why are there still Europeans??!  If God created us from dust, why is there still dust??!  So few words – so many mistakes/lies.

Apologists don’t even like to use the word Evolution, lest it gain some validation.  They use the pejorative, Darwinism, dismissing it like crystals, or reiki, or horoscopes.  It does not ‘rely on’ Survival of the Fittest – which does not mean what this racist little fuck seems to think it does.  And, “Evolved from African-Americans”??!  He’s not even smart enough to deny that we evolved from monkeys.  😳

A 15-year-old, male Atheist, tired of listening to his Bible-thumper mother, conned her into calling in to The Atheist Experience podcast.  With absolutely no training in Theology, Philosophy, logic or debate, she faced a moderator who was.

She tried to present a variety of silly, unprovable, kindergarten-level claims, which he quickly and easily refuted.  Her defense then was that he had spoken sternly to her and embarrassed her in front of her son.  The poor dear!  For many of them, that’s what it comes down to.  Some of them need to be spoken to, sternly.  👿

Flash Fiction #268

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

UNSECURED LOAD

Without any justification, the Bible-thumper continued to pile up his unproven claims.

The Atheist has no belief.
He believes everything you do, minus your God claim.

He despises religion.
Some do.  Many despise what the Religious do to those outside their circle.

He knows nothing about Christians.
He knows nothing about the Bible.

Yet complains about the number of ‘former clergy’ who are now Atheists.

Hates Christianity, but admits its benefits.
A lie can make you feel good.  The truth shall set you free.

He keeps himself from knowing the truth about God.
Deny, accuse: we still see your insecurity.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

’21 A To Z Challenge – P

Here in Ontario, Old Man Winter is just around the corner.  For those snowy, icy, slippery streets, we have fleets of vehicles which sprinkle a mixture of a chemical which melts the road ice, and fine, powdery stone, to improve traction.  A truck which delivers this blend is known as a

Tsander/Psalter

Nah, just kiddin’ with you. A

PSALTER

Is: the Biblical book of Psalms.

(sometimes lowercase) a psalmbook.

Oddly, a Psaltery (or Psaltérion) is not where you store or dole out the Psalters.  Instead, it is a flat, stringed instrument that can be plucked or bowed, one configuration of which resembles the daughter’s zither.

Lotsa interesting words in this post – if you like pictures.  I gotta get the Psmith outta here, to get ready for Wednesday’s in-depth report.  😀

Apologizing For God

Instead of God having to apologize for some of the fools He’s created.

Let us pray for atheists to come to know our Lord.
Why??!  😯

Because as a Christian I want them to go to heaven.
The same question still applies, Why? What do you gain/How do you benefit?? The Bible says that God hardens the heart of some people, who refuse to accept Him. Would praying to change that, not be contrary to His divine plan?

So, let me get this straight: do you think that God hardens the hearts of people because they refuse to accept Him or that people refuse to accept Him because God hardens their hearts? Following that question, do you think there are some great sinners who eventually repent?
I don’t believe in (your) God, and I don’t believe that this ever happened, before, during or after.  I was just interested to see the size and shape of the wiggle-room religious escape hatch you would provide.  🙄

Then, what God do you believe in?
Ah, there’s that desperate, “You must believe in at least one God, so that we can prove it’s the wrong one.”
The All-Just and All-Forgiving God cannot exist.  The All-Just God would dole out punishments consistent with the severity of the crime – something the God of the Bible can’t seem to do – inflicting infinite punishment for the finite crime of merely not believing in Him.  The All-Forgiving God is not “just” because He has special treats and privileges, only for members of his somewhat exclusive group of sycophants.  It’s sort of like Oprah Winfrey giving free cars just to people who visit her live show – only, I actually have proof of people driving her cars, but I have no proof of anyone receiving everlasting life from God.

Atheists, and also many Christians, are in the habit of pulling one verse out of scripture and judging it on its own, very often out of context, and without any understanding of the whole. That never leads to the truth.
An example of this is Pharoah in Exodus. In Exodus 7:3 where God says: “3 But I myself shall make Pharaoh stubborn and shall perform many a sign and wonder in Egypt.”
But we see that Pharaoh’s heart is already hardened way before that. In Exodus 1: 22 we read: “22 Pharaoh then gave all his people this command: ‘Throw every new-born (Israelite) boy into the river, but let all the girls live.’”
A man’s heart is hardened by the sins he commits. The consequence of sins is to harden man’s heart. This is the sense in which God hardens man’s heart, by allowing the consequences of man’s actions to follow their course.
Great little excuse. I’m sure you believe it, despite providing a Bible quote that proves it wrong.

With all due respect, I seem to have given you a fairly detailed response and you have brushed it off as an excuse.
A detailed response does not constitute a valid answer.  Exodus 7:3 plainly states that God claims the responsibility, and clearly says that He shall make Pharaoh stubborn.  God does not use the excuse of free will, to allow Pharaoh to perform despicable acts which eventually coarsen and debase his soul.  This is not the same as “Hardening his heart,” which means to become or remain stubborn and/or obstinate, not accepting another’s opinion or desired course of action.  Anyone who would present that as an argument obviously knows neither Theology, nor proper English usage.

Show me a later context verse where God says, “You know that thing that I specifically said over there??!  I didn’t really mean it.”  BTW: You still haven’t given an answer to why you want Atheists to ‘know Jesus.’  I haven’t had my daily chuckle, so you might try to convince me that it’s strictly through religious altruism, and not to assuage the insecurity caused by people who won’t join your club.

You’re the last person I’d turn to understand scripture.
If I’m feeling sick, I go to the doctor. If my tooth aches, I go to the dentist. If I want to know something about the cosmos, I go to a cosmologist not to the Flat Earth Society. If I want to know something about God, I go to a theist, not an “A”theist. If I want to understand the Christian scriptures, I go to those who have the authority to interpret the Christian scriptures, not some deluded anti-Christian.

You just keep repeating that as long as it makes you feel good.

B.T.W.

I just realized that the graphic which I inserted at the top, might be construed by some, to be Atheist(s) refusing to accept proof of God.  It should only be regarded as someone refusing to accept the claim of the existence of God, without sufficiently convincing evidence.

Debunking The Hitler Myth

A very common myth, especially among Christians, is that Adolf Hitler was an atheist. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen something along the lines of, “Atheism leads to wickedness – just look at Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot!” Undeniably Pol Pot was a wicked atheist, although the evil things that he and Stalin did, were not because of, or in support of, Atheism, but Hitler said a great deal of things indicating his belief in a God. In fact, he apparently considered himself to be a Christian.

(As an aside – Stalin attended a Seminary.)   😛

Here are numerous things that Hitler said that indicate his religious belief, along with a citation. I read Mein Kampf, his “diary,” a while ago, and many of these quotes come from this book.

I had excellent opportunity to intoxicate myself with the solemn splendor of the brilliant church festivals. As was only natural, the abbot seemed to me, as the village priest had once seemed to my father, the highest and most desirable ideal.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 1

I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 2

Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 5

What we have to fight for is the necessary security for the existence and increase of our race and people, the subsistence of its children and the maintenance of our racial stock unmixed, the freedom and independence of the Fatherland so that our people may be enabled to fulfill the mission assigned to it by the Creator.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 8

In short, the results of miscegenation are always the following: (a) The level of the superior race becomes lowered; (b) physical and mental degeneration sets in, thus leading slowly but steadily toward a progressive drying up of the vital sap. The act which brings about such a development is a sin against the will of the Eternal Creator. And as a sin this act will be avenged.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 1, Ch. 11

Anyone who dares to lay hands on the highest image of the Lord commits sacrilege against the benevolent Creator of this miracle and contributes to the expulsion from paradise.

Mein Kampf, Vol. 2, Ch. 1

My feelings as a Christian point me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders… Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed his blood upon the Cross.

Speech on April 12, 1922

The advantages for the individual which may be derived from compromises with atheistic organizations do not compare in any way with the consequences which are visible in the destruction of our common religious and ethical values. The national Government sees in both Christian denominations the most important factor for the maintenance of our society.

Speech on March 23, 1933

I believe today that I am acting in the sense of the Almighty Creator. By warding off the Jews, I am fighting for the Lord’s work.

Speech before the Reichstag, 1936

Man cannot exist without belief in God.

From a conversation on November 4, 1936

I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so.

To General Gerhard Engel, 1941

How could an Atheist say, “Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before, the fact that it was for this that He had to shed his blood upon the Cross”? How could an Atheist openly criticize the moral degeneration that Christians feel Atheism brings upon a society? How could an Atheist say that belief in God is necessary for the very existence of humans? It should be more than clear that Adolf Hitler was, contrary to popular belief, not an Atheist.

A self-appointed Christian Apologist Gatekeeper quickly applied the No True Scotsman argument, and claimed that, despite what Hitler clearly said, he was not A True Christian.  He offered a quote from the Book of James, which had nothing whatsoever to do with being a ‘True Christian,’ something that didn’t even exist when the passage was written.

Good people do good things.  Bad people do bad things, but to get a good person to perform evil, requires religion.  Hitler’s theology was correct.  It was his secular application which was in error.  The Gatekeeper may not wish to admit Hitler into his exclusive little club, but Hitler was precisely what he claimed to be – a True Christian – a Good Catholic.  😯