“How do you sleep at night, knowing people don’t like you?”
“With no underwear, in case they want to kiss my ass.”
I always sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone will break in and give you a cake.
The worst thing about adulthood?? I used to pull all-nighters. Now I can barely pull all-dayers.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Any job is a dream job…. if you fall asleep during staff meetings.
There are many theories about why humans even need to sleep. I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I accidentally fell asleep while smoking an E-cigarette. When I woke up, my whole house was on the internet.
Until I started experiencing insomnia, I didn’t realize that it was possible to be this furious at each of my pillows, individually.
Start every day with a positive thought, like, “I’ll be able to go back to bed in 16 or 17 short hours.”
If teleportation ever becomes a real thing, I’m gonna use it to zap myself into a different time zone, and get an extra three hours of sleep each day.
ME: I’m tired from all that CrossFit this morning.
MY CO-WORKER: It’s pronounced ‘croissant,’ and you ate four of them.
All my childhood punishments have become my life goals:
Eating vegetables, having a nap, staying home, going to bed early.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
‘Cause if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
A man applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form asked for ‘Prior Experience,’ he put down Lifeguard – that was it, nothing else.
“We are looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but sell himself.” said the interviewer. “How does being a lifeguard pertain to selling yourself?”
The man replied, “I couldn’t swim.”
Marriage is like a public toilet.
Those on the outside want in.
Those on the inside want out.
I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be?”
I think some people are taking it as a challenge.
Seamus tells Connor that he’s thinking of buying a Labrador dog.
“Don’t be daft, man! Have you noticed how many of their owners go blind?”
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls though, taking its time, getting to know everybody.