It’s Not Catching

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

***

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  When you start out, all you need is a couple of hearts, and a diamond.  After a few years though, you’re hoping for a club and a spade.

***

I called the animal shelter today and told them that I’d found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods.  They asked, “Are they moving?”  I said, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.

***

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.  Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’  Her answer: “He’s probably at the shooting range with his buddies.”

***

A drunken man with a suitcase and a newspaper arrives at the railway station and sits on a bench near a priest. The drunk takes a bottle of whisky out of his bag, drinks a lot of it and then reads the newspaper quietly. At one point he asks the priest:

“Excuse me, Father; do you know why people get sick with spondylosis?”

“Of course”, the priest answers in a cold and sarcastic courtesy. “The factors that cause spondylosis are: a messy life, the companionship of doubtful-quality women, the excessive consumption of alcohol and tobacco, drunks ending up in brothels… All these lead to spondylosis”.

“Wowww! I would never have believed that…” replies the drunk and then reads his newspaper again.

After the priest thinks for a while at what he said, he again addresses the drunkard, but this time in a gentle tone:

“Excuse me, I didn’t mean to offend you. How long are you sick with spondylosis, my son?”

“Me? No, Father… I’ve never been sick with it. I just read in the newspaper that the Pope is sick with spondylosis…”

***

A woman was arrested and fined for bringing her own popcorn, candy and soda to a movie theater.  The good news is that she came out a few bucks ahead of if she’d bought it all at the snack bar.

 

Higher Learning

Being circumcised, I couldn’t join a fraternity.
Apparently you have to be a complete dick.

***

I went online, and rated the Solar system.
I gave it one star.

***

I was watching porn the other day, but it was terrible. All I could see was some guy sitting on a couch, playing with himself, and crying….then I realized that the TV wasn’t turned on.

***

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized, go away!

***

A man came home from the Social Security Office.
‘Honey,’ he said to his wife, ‘I finally
convinced them that I’m old enough to collect
Social Security.’

‘How?’ his wife asked. ‘Since the department of
records in the small town you were born in was
flooded, you can’t get a copy of your birth
certificate.’

‘I know,’ the man replied, ‘I just unbuttoned
my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my
chest. That convinced them that I’m old enough.’

His wife retorted, ‘Then while you were at it,
why didn’t you whip out your dick and get
disability, too?!’

***

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

***

What idiot called it a Sun, when it’s a space heater?

***

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t 10% off.

Why do Jewish men watch porno in reverse?
So that they can see the hooker give back the money

***

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors.”
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her.  I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly.” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.  “That’s a load off of my mind.  Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

***

 

I Have A Confession

A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch
yesterday.

Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?? the
priest asked.

Because, Father, he touched me on my arm
without permission.

Do you mean like this?? He touches her arm.

Yes Father.

That’s no reason for calling him a son of a
bitch.

But Father, he also touched my breasts.

You mean like this?? He touches her breasts.

Yes Father.

That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.

But Father, he took off my clothes.

Like this?? He takes off her clothes.

Yes Father.

That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.

But Father he then put his you-know-what in
my you-know-where.

Like this?? He put his you-know-what in her
you-know-where.

Yes Father, she says sometime later, after
catching her breath.

But that’s no reason to call him a
son-of-a-bitch.

But Father, he has AIDS.

That son of a bitch!

***

A newly ordained Catholic priest was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older, more experienced priest to observe one of his sessions and give him some advice. After a few minutes of watching and listening, the older priest pulled the younger one aside to give him a few suggestions.

“Try folding your arms over your chest, and rubbing your chin with one hand. This gives the impression that you are listening thoughtfully. Then try saying things like: “I see.”, “I understand.” and “Yes, go on.”

The younger priest practiced these things for a minute. Then the older one asked, “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying, “No way! What happened next?”

***

If you’ve seen the above post before, it’s because unforeseen technical difficulties accidently deleted it from my list of posts.  I’ve been able to re-publish it, but I’m missing all those lovely likes and comments.   😯

A to Z Challenge – N

What do I need to talk about, for the letter

 ?

What time is it now?
Why?
I just wondered how long it’s been since you first figured that any of my business was any of your business.

***

Damn, the woman could talk! And not just talk, but prying, and wheedling, and digging, and investigating.  If she spent half as much time and energy doing her work, as she did in insinuating herself into other people’s affairs, we could all have Fridays off with pay.

She liked to portray herself as interested, supportive, caring and curious. She had no qualms about asking questions that even a husband/wife, psychiatrist or priest would hesitate to raise, and acted outraged if someone declined to give out every detail of sensitive, highly personal information.

She may have felt that she was the office counsellor and confidante, reducing stress and raising morale. The rest of us just thought that she was a Nosy bitch!   😯

Benny

Once upon a time, long ago, in a faraway land, there lived a poor beggar named Abu Ben Sharif.  He was known to all who met him as Benny the Beggar.  One day, a fantastically fortunate thing happened to Benny.  As he was trudging his dusty way down a long, hot road, he met a fancy coach coming the other way.  As the coach thundered past him in a cloud of dust, Benny noticed something fall from the coach, and bounce into a roadside ditch.

Curious to see what it was, he went over to pick it up and look at it.  It was a shiny brass lamp.  Now, of course, Benny had heard the story of Aladdin’s magical lamp, but he didn’t believe in things like that.  Still, if all the dust were brushed off it, it would look a lot better, and probably bring a higher price, if he decided to sell it.  Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to shine it up a little, just in case.

Of course, we all know what happened!!  As soon as Benny rubbed the lamp, a giant genie appeared and called him “Master”, and promised him anything he wanted, any time he wanted, for as long as he had the lamp….But….with one small condition.  He was never to cut his hair or shave his beard, for as long as he kept the lamp.  If he did, a terrible thing would happen to him, although the genie would not say what that was.

All went well for almost three long years.  Benny lived in the lap of luxury, eating and drinking the best, and wearing the finest clothes, surrounded by beautiful willing girls.  There was one small point of discontent, though.  He looked and felt scruffy.  All that hair got in his way, so he got to thinking, “Why shouldn’t I take all this hair off?  Why would a genie expect me to keep it??  This is silly!!  He probably wouldn’t care if I got a shave and haircut!”  So he did….and nothing happened.

“Ah!” thought Benny, “It was all just a bluff; just a big joke.” And he went on his merry way looking and feeling much better.  The next day though, the promised catastrophe occurred.  He picked up the lamp and rubbed it to summon the genie, so that he could ask for more gold.

As soon as the genie appeared, he looked at Benny and shouted, “You have broken your agreement!!  Now you will suffer the consequences!!!”  And, in a flash of light, and a cloud of smoke, faster than the eye could follow, Benny was transformed into a large, ugly-looking clay pot, full of dust and ashes.

“That’ll teach him.” said the genie, “A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned!!”

 

LOST DOG

Somebody put up a notice on the lamp-post in front of my house, about a missing dog.  He has three legs.  He’s blind in the right eye, missing the left ear.  His tail is broken.  He was recently castrated….and answers to the name LUCKY!

 

If I could live my life over again, I’d make the SAME MISTAKES, I’d just start SOONER!

 

Back when I worked in an office, a friend handed me, what I thought was a business card.  “Keep it handy.” he said.  When I had a chance to read it, it said,

“Your story has touched my heart.  Never before have I met anyone with more or deeper troubles than you.  Please accept this expression of my sincere sympathy.  NOW FUCK OFF and quit bothering me!”

Someone else slipped me a note which read:

 

Be Careful

Scientists have succeeded in

Producing an Atomic-Powered

Electronically-controlled,

Self-actuating, Totally automatic,

Mobile, Fuck-up Machine.

Now, you too can be replaced.

 

The New Priest

A new priest, at his first mass, was so scared he couldn’t speak.  He asked the Monsignor how he had done.  The Monsignor said, “Fine, but next week, it might help if you put a little Vodka or Gin in your water, to help relax you.

The next week, the priest spiked his water with lots of Vodka, and really kicked up a storm with his sermon.  After mass, again, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.  “Well, fine enough, but there are a few things you should get straight!”

1         There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

2         There are 12 disciples, not 10.

3         David slew Goliath; he didn’t kick the shit out of him.

4         We do not refer to Jesus Christ, as “The Late J.C.”

5         Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling party at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling party at St. Taffy’s.

6         The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook.

Have a laugh, have a laugh, have a laugh on me!  Next post….who knows??!

To Serve and Protect – Yeah, Right

With all due apologies but absolutely no accusations to KayJai’s husband, I would like to state, as delicately and tactfully as I can, that I regard anyone who unswervingly and continuously believes in Absolutes of any sort, as stupid, gullible, closed-minded and deeply into denial.  Religion, particularly Christianity, in Canada produces people whose arguments to save face become laughably Byzantine.  When the book and movie, The DaVinci Code came out, there were those who just could not see the possibility that Bishop Aringarosa would commit a small sin to prevent the commission of many large sins and save the Catholic Church and its way of life.  He’s a priest, they wailed.  He wouldn’t do that.

If you point to a news article about a priest charged with sexual assault, the answer is, “It’s an anomaly”.  When you point to another report of a diddling priest, it’s just another anomaly.  A third report, a week later gets labelled as yet another anomaly.  How many anomalies are there in a trend?  No matter how Holy or well-intentioned, all people are human.  The Holiness or good intentions may help hold them above the level of the common man, but, To Err Is Human, and human they remain.  Not every man who becomes a priest, does so just to serve God, and not every (wo)man who enrolls to be a cop, does so with the altruistic intent to Serve and Protect.

In accordance with the above stated opinion, all subsequent absolute statements should be viewed as conditional.  Police don’t want Law and Order, they want peace and quiet.  Police officers have my admiration.  I don’t think that I could put up with the s**t that they have to, day after day.  However, there are lines that should not be crossed, and valid reasons for not crossing them.  Some guys become cops because they were schoolyard bullies and want to continue to enjoy the feel of pushing others around.  Some become so convinced that they, and their cause are (Holy) correct, that, like Dan Brown’s bishop, the only sin is to get caught.

Police forces are driven by testosterone and absolute faith in their rightness.  Watch any cop movie or TV show.  I know it’s illegal to – Hack this computer – Search this house – Hold this guy without charges, but, we’re the good guys, so, do it anyway.  In the movie An Innocent Man, Tom Selleck’s character went to jail to cover up the fact that two, inept drug detectives illegally and incorrectly entered the wrong address.  It happens in real life, out on the street.  Two Toronto police officers, out looking for a “suspicious person” named Raymond,(no description) tried to stop Joseph Williams, on his way home after work.  They demanded that he stop and produce identification.  He, none too politely told them to P**s-off and go harass someone else.  It is alleged that they then beat the snot out of him for not respecting them and their orders.  His facial injuries are not alleged.  They were photographically displayed in area newspapers.  Perhaps he allegedly fell down the same set of stairs, three or four times.

The police do not like it when citizens do their job for them.  A Chinese flower merchant in Toronto had been shoplifted by the same drug addict seven times.  The merchant had reported each theft and offered to identify the culprit.  He was told by the police that, since the theft was not occurring at that moment, there was nothing they could, or would do.  The thief came in an eighth time, in the morning, and returned for another snatch and grab later the same afternoon.  The merchant spotted him, and he and a male clerk grabbed the guy, tied him up and put him in the company van.  They then immediately called the police to come and get him.

The police came out….and arrested the merchant and his clerk.  If a crime is not happening, at the moment, a citizen’s arrest is not legal.  They were charged with assault and forcible confinement.  The clerk, like most retail workers, had a box cutter.  He didn’t use it or threaten to, but was charged with possession of a dangerous weapon.

A week later, all charges against the clerk were withdrawn, but the merchant endured another eight months of legal intimidation before a trial judge finally threw out his charges as well.  The druggie/shoplifter was brought in to testify against him.

An Indian restaurant owner reported that someone had broken into his car, parked in an alley behind the business, and his GPS unit had been stolen.  Tough luck, was the official police response.  He put up video surveillance equipment.  A week later he got film of a man who broke into the vehicle and took a digital camera and a laptop.  Two weeks later, he noticed someone attempting to get into the vehicle again, as it was happening.  He grabbed a broom and ran into the alley.  Anesthetized past caring about the broom, but disturbed that his midnight value sale had been interrupted, the miscreant forced the owner back into his restaurant, uttering threats against him, and his wife and children, who were upstairs.  The cook grabbed a bowl of his chicken curry powder and threw it in his face.

When the police arrived, they arrested (Are you ready for it?), the shop owner again.  The charges this time were assault and administering a noxious substance.  Apparently, protecting property, business and the life and safety of yourself and your family is not allowed to be performed by anyone but a policeman.  I’m just cynical enough to wonder what would have happened if these two had been white merchants in Rosemount.

The strange added fillip to these stories is a (Well, they can’t DEMAND) strong request by the police department for the newspapers to cease and desist from printing negative articles which show the force in a bad light.  The excuse is that these are ongoing investigations and the police aren’t allowed to comment, to give their side of the story.  I might feel a little sympathetic except, all information printed came from official sources.  An authorized police official gave copies of the police blotter, showing the shop-owners’ reports and complaints.  The Provincial Crown Attorney (State Assistant DA, for you Americans) revealed all charges, as well as hearing and trial dates, and another police liaison officer released copies of both of the surveillance videos.

I’d sooner have the police than not have them, but they’re not perfect.  I’d sooner have them honest and sympathetic to those they’re charged to protect, than hyped up on the steroid of power and doing what they THINK is right, or what pleases them and makes them look good.