Holy One-Liners

 

TV evangelists….
….do more than lay people.

People treat me like a God….
….They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing….
….That can be a slippery slope.

The mailman just told me a joke….
….It wasn’t very funny, but he delivered it well.

When you die, people cry and beg you to come back….
….but when you do, there’s screaming and running.

Thieves stole twenty cases of Red Bull….
….I don’t know how these people can sleep at night.

My drug test came back negative….
….My dealer has some real explaining to do.

There’s no official training for trash collectors….
….They just pick things up as they go.

My wife wanted to learn to drive….
….I didn’t stand in her way.

The shinbone is a device….
….for locating furniture in a dark room.

I went to an acupuncturist….
….When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

Time may be a great healer….
….but it’s a lousy beautician.

Spiders are the only web designers….
….who are happy when they have a bug.

So, a burglar broke into the house….
….I put a red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.

If God had meant for us to vote….
….He would have given us candidates.


You read my doormat….
….That’s enough social interaction for today.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes….
….so she gave me a hug.

Day 12 without chocolate….
….Lost hearing in my left eye.

A dog accepts you as the boss….
….A cat wants to see your resume.

OOPS….
….Did I roll my eyes out loud?  😳

Twice As Lucky Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 has thrown up her hands in resignation and wonderment at how I continue to sneak past her guard-Corgis, and purloin yet another list of prompts for creative mendacity.
(Trade secret: I quietly read to them from The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time, as a bed-time story, and they doze right off.)

  1. What is meant by jumping bail?

He is Christian Bale’s irreligious cousin, Atheist Bail.  (The Immigration Department spelled their name differently, when they immigrated here separately, from Inner Slobovia.)  He is the Track and Field Wunderkind at his high school, with his long, powerful legs.  He competes in long jump, high jump, hop-step-and-jump, and finishes his afternoon workout with a few laps of hurdles.

  1. What is a skipping rope?

The United States still has several states with the death penalty.  If you kill somebody, we’ll kill you back.  In Texas, if you kill a police officer, they have installed an express lane.  The State of Utah, full of loving, religious Mormons, offers the condemned prisoner a choice – hanging, or firing squad.  If you choose the firing squad, that’s skipping rope.

  1. What is a sickly hue?

One of my cats has allergies, and is not above hacking up a bile-encrusted hairball in the middle of the night.  When I stepped on one, getting out of bed one morning, I said to the wife, “I must remember to put on my slippers.” until the morning I found one – by squeamish touch – in a slipper.  A sickly hue was the look on my face that day.

  1. What is cooking the books?

In an effort to be relevant as a wife and mother, providing food for her family, the wife purchased cookbook after cookbook – The Betty Crocker Cookbook, The Joy Of Cooking, The Canadian Cookbook, Food That Really Schmecks, The International Cookbook.

Over the years, we have enjoyed a spicy beef stew from Kenya, Scottish shepherds’ pie, French onion soup and tourtiere, perogies from the Ukraine, hot and sour soup, and beef and broccoli stir-fry, vindaloo beef, and tandoori chicken from India, Greek tarragon chicken and rice, Mexican beef fiesta, and Louisiana shrimp Creole.

As she aged, she grew weaker – more apathetic.  More and more, the preparation of meals fell to me.  I couldn’t produce the fancier dishes.  There was one more book that I found invaluable, 365 Ground Meat Recipes – meatloaf, pork burgers with sautéed onions, hamburger goulash, hamburger stroganoff, curried hamburger, spaghetti Bolognaise, chili con carne, sloppy Joes, chili fries, ground chicken or turkey egg Fu yung, and ground lamb gyros/doners.  Bon appetite.  😀

  1. What is a microwave?

It was the minuscule, almost subliminal, acknowledgement of my existence, from him, when I ran into my Baptist minister at the liquor store.

  1. What is meant by passing the buck?

This is a habit that Canadians have developed since our government stopped printing one-dollar and two-dollar bills, and replaced them with large, clunky coins.  Small change isn’t all that small anymore.  If you’re not careful, it’s easy to acquire a pocket or purse so full, that a limp can be induced.

While Canadians in general have embraced debit and credit cards, many of us make sure to lighten our load by paying for small purchases with these albatrosses Loonies.  And some genius has been minting and passing counterfeit Toonies, with seals instead of polar bears, and some zombie guy instead of Lizzie the Twooth.  https://ottawa.citynews.ca/police-beat/police-investigating-counterfeit-toonies-found-at-hawkesbury-store-4949995

  1. What are air kisses?

Hopefully, they’re the only kind you get, while COVID and Omicron are putting tag-team arm- ass-locks on us.  The Glitterati out in Hollywood have been practicing for this for years.  They’re a lot like online sex.  You can have a thunderous orgasm – even if no one else is in the room.

  1. What is meant by shooting one’s mouth off?

A female Arizona newspaper columnist was assigned to interview the oldest man in the county – 106 years.  She asked him what he attributed his long life to.  He told her that he mixed a little gunpowder with his cereal each morning, and suggested that she try it.  She did so for years, finally dying at 96.  She left behind four children, eight grandchildren, twelve great-grandchildren, and a 24 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

  1. What does a dentist do?

He’s a guy like my neighbor Bob, operating a vehicle in a crowded parking lot.  The local Association of Auto-Body Shops have voted him their favorite driver, three years in a row.

  1. What is a ruff?

That’s Dennis the Menace’s dog!  Am I the only one old enough to remember?   😕

Prepared For Humor

During a company-held workshop on emergencies, the instructor asked, “What would you do if you received a letter-bomb?”
I said, “Write ‘Return to sender’.”

***

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
You gotta love Grandmas!

***

 A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

***

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A+.

***

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

***

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

***

 

This Ain’t No Dang Instagram

This is not Instagram, but an incredible simulation!

This past Sunday, with COVID’s permission, we had the entire family over to film another episode of Smitty’s Loose Change.  It was a delayed Easter, and an advance celebration of the great-grandson’s birthday, which is today.  (Oops!  Got my publishing dates mixed up.  It was yesterday.)

The culinary centerpiece was our version of a Black Forest cake.  Everybody eats – everybody helps.  Since the grand-daughter-in-law has come to love the base cake, and since it evades the grandson’s food allergies, she has learned to bake the spelt-flour/dark chocolate/mayonnaise cake.

The wife mixed up the whole-cherry sauce for it.  The grandson whipped the cream, fine-shredded a block of dark chocolate to sprinkle on it, and plated and served to everyone in the living room after dinner, while I wowed the crowd with my fantastic fork-work.

The daughter sent along some food for thought.

The grandson brought two 25 cent coins for my collection, from the East Caribbean States.  Canadian vending machines will reject American quarters because they are the wrong size and weight.  They cannot tell the difference between these and Canadian quarters though, which is how he got two of them in change.

The Grandson’s path from the bus stop to his housing complex, is along a community trail.  He spotted a piece of fluttering paper, and also brought a Nigerian 100 Naira note.  I did my usual money laundering, using warm water and liquid hand soap, getting rid of skin oils, dust, and COVID viruses.  Then I ironed it smooth and flat.  I have African bills from Zambia, Zimbabwe, Uganda, and South Africa.  This was a welcome addition.

When I told the grandson that I had somehow lost the pictures of the stone cat for my The Year In Photos post, he riffled through his Smart phone, found them from 9 months ago, and emailed them to me again.  No excuses this time.  I claimed that I almost stepped on it, but the owner actually had it up on a porch railing, in the sun, much like a real cat.

At last, the star of the show, the closing act, the birthday boy himself, great-grandson, Rowan.  We thought that he might be getting Italian or Scottish red hair.  In a certain light, it seems that there is a slight, reddish cast to it, but in strong light, it shines a golden brown.  The women took another in, what apparently is going to become a tradition, a photo of four generations of males – me, the son, the grandson, and Rowan – showing how he develops, and the rest of us deteriorate, over the years.  😉

April, and this BEDA act, are rapidly drawing to a close.  Thanx for joining in the fun.  I’m going to slow down to my usual schedule again next week.  I have to!  One of the wheels on my walker has jammed.  😳

Journey Into Hell

Retail Therapy – And How To Avoid It

I wrote three years ago, about driving almost two hours – one hour of it in some of Canada’s worst traffic – and the two-hour, mirror, return trip, to obtain a vintage IBM Selectric, golf-ball typewriter.  It did not work.

The wife was going to contact a repair shop in Hamilton, which claimed that they could repair it.  We bought a metal typing table for it, at an office-goods recycling shop.

We did not contact the repair shop.
The typing table takes up a bit of the rapidly dwindling free space in the garage.
I put it on a craft table, between two storage bins, by the window in the computer room.
The cats love it.  They use it as a stepping stone to bask in the sunlight.
I own a vintage paper weight.
Anybody want it??  Free to a good home.  “Good” defined as one that will take it.

To Put It Another Way – II

Where, oh where did it all go wrong??  😕  I don’t know about all, but here are a few examples of Many a slip, twixt the ear and the lip.   😯

Pros
It seamingly permeates all of society – You seemingly don’t know one word from the other.

Leaving them so depended on others – That is dependent on knowing the correct word

The powerful engine enabled verticle takeoff – That’s just straight-up wrong.

They’d sell corpses to medical schools for extra mullah. – If they’d had a little extra moolah, they could have hired someone to teach them that a mullah is a Muslim teacher/priest.

A wisened runner – who should have wisened up to the fact the correct word, is wizened.

To shoe away pests at a campfire – now mosquitoes get free footwear as we shoo them away.

To unravel them aboard his dingy – He’s a bit dingy, if he doesn’t know it’s a dinghy

A car ran into a power pole guide-wire – Let me guide you to the phrase guy-wire.

Under the guides of friendship – Under the guise of correct usage, try again.

Computer litearate clerk needed – More than they realize.

He wrote the forward for the book – Looking back, he wrote the foreword.

The way ahead is wrought with danger – and it is fraught with pretentious misusage.

It would be wise to stick upon them – But I’d stock up on them

Black cats got a bad wrapwrap up that mistake and listen to some bad rap.

The idea sprung from the fact – I quickly sprang to correct that.

Technology could breach the gap – Shouldn’t it bridge the gap…. which is already a breach?

The plane was in the throws of destruction – I throws out the suggestion to use throes.

Amateurs

What word on this list reasonates with you? – The word resonates would, if it were there.

A copying mechanism to deal with problems – I’m not coping well with that spelling.

I conquer with Brian – You might conquer, if you were to concur.

It wreaks of scamming – Actually, it reeks of misusage.

I was working, went a high-pitched squeal…. – But when did it happen?

Should evoke a sign of relief from thinking people – I’m thinking that it should be a sigh of relief.

A starring wheel replacement – I’m steering you away from that.

A brain chokeful of grey cells – I choked, yelling that it was chock-full.

I hardly took a breath during my trade – which did not include the word tirade.

Hubby left a stinky thrown in the bathroom – I was thrown, until I realized she meant throne.

Therefor, he was wrong – but, Therefore is right

As I cantor up 9th Ave. – a Jewish singer tells me that it is canter.

It’s something we continue to carey with us – Drew says that it’s spelled carry.

The director when to the censor – I went to the Spellchecker.

Bible says not to ware mixed fabrics – so beware what you wear.

New Arkansas law to target instain mother who kill thier babbys.
Everything you’ve ever needed to know about rednecks.

A rouge motorhome ventured onto the track – That’s a huge mistake – both ways.

It chucks it up to illusion – I chalk it up to misusage.

She was ready to throw in the tile – Even before I wiped it with a towel.

He told a bold-faced lie – People with print programs haven’t heard of bald-faced lies

Anatomy Of Insomnia

If there’s no rest for the wicked, I must be evil, Evil, EVIL!  😈  If it isn’t one thing – it’s everything.

The wife normally goes to bed several hours before my dead-tired deadline.  She has sleep apnea, a CPAP machine, and a full-face mask.  Usually, it is whisper quiet, producing a soft, slight susurration of white noise that helps to quickly transport me to slumber-land.  Then, there are nights like….

4:55 am
I enter the bedroom, dispossess the cat sleeping at her feet, call the two Scotty dogs into the bedroom and up on the bed, and close the door to keep the cat out, and the dogs from getting into trouble.  I manage to wedge myself between the dogs, and finally doze off.

6:00 AM
The wife moves in her sleep, breaking the seal on her facemask, which begins to do an imitation of an tenor sax.
I burrow back into the pillow, determined to fall back to sleep.
Whether because of the instrumental, or the cat in the hall, one of the dogs uses my leg as a starting block, and leaps to the floor and whines.
My bladder insists that we’re getting up.

I stumble into the bathroom.  In the illumination of a small nightlight, I find a puddle of toilet paper on the floor.  The evicted cat likes to play with the rolls.  We have small plastic clips that prevent this, but the wife, in a semi-conscious state, apparently forgot to put it on.
I turn on the light to see, so that I can rewind it.
I’m now awake enough to realize I have twenty words that I want to add to a blog.
I step into the computer room and turn on the light.
As I’m typing, the cat marches back and forth in front of the monitor, leaps on my shoulder, and yells in my ear.  I add a prompt to a different blog draft.

With all this going on, the dogs leak out of the bedroom, and insist that they need to go outside for another leak.  I trudge downstairs, put them out, wait, and bring them in.
With the orchestra tuning up, there’s no sense going back upstairs.  Maybe I can doze off on the couch.  I toss a throw over me and get comfy…. And two dogs lick my face to find out why I’m not in bed.

A different cat who’s always looking for warmth, jumps up on me, and snuggles behind my knees.  Warm and somnolent again, we both try to go to sleep.
The computer-room cat walks across my chest and yells in my ear, to explain that he was trying to tell me upstairs, that he wanted to be fed.  Off the couch and to the cat food.

It’s now after 7:00 AM.  Perhaps I could lie back in the recliner.  Two dogs jump up and settle between my legs.  Warm and drowsy, I can feel sleep approaching.
The cold cat is now at the top of the stairs, complaining.  The dogs again use me as starting blocks to go find out why, rocking the recliner.
Soon, one dog returns, along with the cat, which cuddles into my crotch.  My mind is now racing with a theme for a 100-word Flash Fiction.

8:05 AM  The son arrives home from work.  Two humans, two dogs, and three cats create a combination of a three-ring circus, and a four-alarm fire.
Always bad, my memory is worse when I’m tired.  I had a great idea for the upcoming A 2021 Challenge, but have already forgotten it.  By 9:00 AM I have most of this post composed, but I have to have the wife to a 1:00 PM appointment.  We’ll be back up by eleven.  If you see a zombie shuffling past, it’s not looking for brains.  It’s just me, looking for mine, and hoping for my (early/extended) afternoon nap.

You Thought You Had A Shitty Job

According to Mental Floss, in the Victorian Era, ratteners would capture and sell rats to pubs where they were eaten by dogs and played with for entertainment.
Rats, I can’t believe I missed that “premium” entertainment!

The job disappeared when the internet made porn more universally available.  The word shrank down to ratter, and that task was taken by farm-cats, and digger-dogs like my two Scottish Terriers.

People in Medieval times were often given surnames based on their occupation.  The job, and the name, goes back far beyond the Victorian Era.  In both English and German, the spelling first became Rattner, then diminished to Ratner, like Brett Ratner, a Hollywood director, recently mired in a #MeToo and Time’s Up scandal.

Eventually some versions reduced to Radner, and to Radnor.  There is a Radnorshire in Wales.  This time the egg came before the chicken.  It was founded by a couple of English families who moved there to escape their cruel town and despicable occupation, to become farmers.

At the steel warehouse where I worked – long ago – the floor in the fabrication section was poured concrete, but in the actual metal storage area, it was flattened dirt, covered by pea gravel.  On one side, bundles of steel sheets formed stacks eight and nine feet high.

Rats got in, and would burrow under these stacks, occasionally causing one to collapse and tip over into its neighbor.  Righting one of these piles was a slow, somewhat dangerous task, often with product loss.

Nearby was a worker, a recent immigrant from Germany.  His job was to take bundles of 20 foot steel angles or flat bars, and use a large, gravity-fed, horizontal band-saw to cut them to smaller lengths, for fabrication.  Since the bundles might be fifty to a hundred pieces, each actual cut time could be ten to fifteen minutes.

During these un-busy periods, the company urged him to go through the storage area, spreading rat poison, and baiting and checking 15 or 20 big wooden rat traps.  He once proudly told me that he was the company ‘Rattenfanger,’ another German word for rat catcher.

After having to do this task twice, as a home project, https://archonsden.wordpress.com/2017/04/26/oh-rats/ .  I wouldn’t want to have to do it again.  I prefer capturing accolades.  Why don’t you stop by again in a couple of days, and bring some with you.  Remember, I prefer the butterscotch flavored ones.  😉

Flash Fiction # 269

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Ten in the bed, and the little one said, “Roll over!  Roll over.”
They all rolled over, and one fell out.

We started with a double bed.  I don’t like the word “Obese.” Good eating made us corpulent, so we bought a Queen-sized.

We had a dog, which was not allowed on the bed, then we got two puppies who were allowed up, but are no longer puppies.  Recently, a cold and lonely cat has added himself to the nightly pile.

There’s hardly room for my legs, and it’s almost impossible to roll over.  Somebody move, before I fall out.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.