Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.

Proving God

Christian Apologists seem eager to prove the existence of God.  Or have the existence proved, since many of them spend more time and energy trying to prove nonbelievers wrong, than in proving their own claims right.

How could it be done??!  In my humble opinion, it can’t!  There is no way to prove an immaterial, supernatural being, in a naturalistic, material world.  It’s a fools’ game, though there’s no shortage of fools trying.

In the mid/late 1800s, there was a Philosopher – a debater, who never lost a debate.  There was another, lesser debater who he had taken a particular dislike to.  He had challenged him many times, but was never accepted.  Finally, he offered to take a position contrary to his oft-stated belief.

He was tall, handsome, well-dressed, intelligent, well-educated, had a broad vocabulary and a powerful voice.  He emoted.  He projected his voice.  He waved his arms and hands – and he won the debate!  So, philosophy, logic, and debate are useless!  😳

I have seen two different Mathematics Professors, using two different sets of algebraic equations, PROVE that 1 = 2, in clear violation of observed reality.  So, mathematics, that pure, sweet language of the cosmos, is useless.  😳

I once read a paper from two Aeronautical Engineers.  They had studied bees, and found that the bees’ wing surface area, compared to their weight, was not large enough – they could not fly.  The bees of course, continued to do so.

With the advent of high-speed cameras, something called rectilinear flexion was discovered.  Bees don’t just flap their wings.  They cup the air the way that swimmers’ hands cup the water, for extra propulsion and lift.

When the top speed in the quarter-mile drag races was approaching 175 MPH, two Automotive Engineers calculated the top limit.  One pound of weight on the drive wheels, equalled one pound of forward thrust.  No-one could exceed 177 MPH.

When the speeds went to 179 and 180, they blamed technological malfunction – the timing lights were misaligned or the primitive electronic speed calculator malfunctioned.  When speeds approached 185, they finally climbed off their slide-rules and discovered directional friction.

So, education, intelligence and Engineering are useless, unless you can be sure that you have all the relevant information.  😦

As a wordsmith, I have noticed that many of the problems, either accidentally, or intentionally, come from language misusage and misunderstanding.  They make claims that sound like they mean one thing, while their definition and belief is something quite different.

There can be no meaningful discussion until all the terms are coherent, clearly defined, and agreed on.  This is not likely to happen in an endeavor where obfuscation is a growth industry.

So, my beloved English language is so misused as to be useless.  😦

Those who say, Oh, you wouldn’t believe, even if someone presented proof. are being disingenuous.  They are admitting that they don’t have convincing evidence.  I know a secret, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.  It’s a good excuse to never have to present a verifiable, falsifiable argument.

If the God that so many of them claim to believe in actually exists, He would know exactly what it would take to convince me of His existence.  The fact that He has never done so, either means that He doesn’t exist, or doesn’t care if I believe.  Do unto me, as your God has done unto me.  Go away, leave me and other non-believers alone, take a pill, and dial back the anxiety.  If I’m wrong, it won’t be the reason you don’t go to Heaven.  😦

’23 A To Z Challenge – B

 

Following in the grand tradition of Assholery, I present to you, his next-door neighbor

BULLSHITTERY

I recently read yet another dirge for the continued deterioration of both good manners, and English language usage.  A woman, younger than me, (That percentage continues to grow by the day) wanted to know what in Hell has happened to the phrase, “You’re welcome.”

I say to someone – often a clerk of some sort – Thank you, and get back, No problem.  Of course it was a problem, a minor problem perhaps, but if it hadn’t been a problem, I wouldn’t have approached you to solve it.  Also, you’ve now trivialized my situation, and made me feel guilty for bothering you.

Certain related things (should) come in pairs.  If I say salt, you reply, pepper.  If I say Abbott, you respond with, Costello.  If I say Thank you, you don’t match it with pork schnitzel, or deck varnish, or this silly, disconnected, no problem bullshit.

A rejoinder to the lady’s discomfort was that, other languages and cultures have similar constructions.  (Some of) The French come back with, de rien, which roughly translates to it was nothing.  The same objections apply.  The French Language Law books say that the proper response should be, Je vous en prie, which isn’t much better, since it means, I will pray for you.

A common response in Australia is, No worries (mite mate).  As your Mother used to say to you, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off with them?  Mom was a little OCD, but she had a point.  I don’t feel that holding up arrogant, frog’s-legs-munching Frenchmen, or descendants of deported criminals, who had no good manners or proficiency with The Queen’s English – I’m not counting Chuckles the Clown yet – is a good justification for poor, vernacular usage.

Alas, the language, Horatio, I knew it well – before it started hanging out with rap and Tik-Tok stars.  😦

Fibbing Friday From The Vault

Last week, Pensitivity101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs.  Here is a selection of some more of her questions.

1. What was the first thing you saw when you looked out the window?

I was awakened by the screech of tires.  When I looked out the window, I saw a number of official-looking Cadillac Escalades delivering an alphabet to me.  On the sides were printed – FBI, CIA, NSA, TSA, EPA, CSI, KPD, FEMA, SPCA…. and I think there were a couple more, UPS, DHL, even a KFC.

2.  What is your favorite way to prepare hot dogs?

It’s a trick I learned, working with a friend one summer in a fast-food booth near the beach.  Customers who wanted a hot-dog, often also wanted French fries.  While I was crisping the fries, I would drop a wiener in the hot oil with them.  The wiener sinks to the bottom.  When it’s fully cooked, it rises to the surface.  It’s ready in under a minute.  Take it out.  Pop it in a bun.  It even has a nice, light, crispy skin.  Customers loved them.

3.  What is one thing you covet more than anything else?

Covet!!  It says Covet.  I thought it said cover.  I was going to tell you about the 1959 movie, Cast A Long Shadow.  It starred Audie Murphy, an actor who was so short that he cast a shadow about as long as a pencil stub.  I’m on a rotation diet.  Every time I turn around, I eat.  My shadow is not only long, it’s very W..I…D...E.  When I go out to pick up my mail, 5 or 6 neighbourhood kids can cool off in my shade.

4.  You see the wishing star…what is your wish?

I know that he’s wishing that all these crazy fellow-fans hadn’t recognized him at the airport but…. please, Keanu Reeves, could I have a selfie and an autograph??!

5.  You don’t want the leprechaun’s gold…what do you want?

I want that big cast-iron kettle/pot that he’s got it stored in.  (Has Marie Kondo not showed you how to save space and store it in dresser drawers?)  I could make a GIGANTIC batch of chili in it – maybe even enough to share with the rest of the family.  😉

6.  What is the first thing you order at a vegan diner?

A taxi to get me to some place that serves real food.  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat salads.  I eat things that eat salads.  When I saw the name Greenleaf, I thought it might be a poetry bar tribute to John Greenleaf Whittier, full of hippie-types.  Maybe I could even score some weed…. You know, green leaf.  😎

7. Where would you like to visit next?
   

I would like to re-visit a tiny little hamlet in East-Central Ohio, where an online friend and his wife live – no lie.  We managed to visit them for a few hours, ten years ago, and would gladly return for a day, a week, a month, but I’d soon need to return to civilization for the medical support.

It’s a (small) dot of nothing, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Amish.  When I came to this city, almost 60 years ago, it advertised itself as The Biggest Small Town In Canada.  It was not unusual to hear German /Pennsylvania Dutch spoken on the streets and in the shops, and see Mennonites – Canadian Amish-lite – and horses and buggies/wagons.  Decades of hot air and job immigration infusion have ballooned it out for miles, driving many Mennonites away.  I miss the feel of the countryside.

Any such trip is going to have to wait until some amount of financial sanity is regained.  Available funds in retirement are thin enough.  Years ago, I went to Florida with my brother, when the Canadian dollar was worth 75 cents/US – four of mine, to spend three of theirs.  I thought that was about as bad as it could get.  Between Trump and Putin, the Canadian dollar is currently trading at $.7256/US.  👿

8.  What is actually in the Doomsday Seed Vault?

The seeds for the likes of kale, chard, watercress, radicchio, chia, and all the rest of the food plants that the Yuppity Vegans try to tell us are good for us, but are really out to kill us.

9.  Who killed J.R.?

The LGBTQ2+ cabal.  Either that, or the Alphabet Mafia who visited me this morning.  😳

10. What is yellow snow?

That’s an indication that I’ve got the cheapest, but most effective home security system.  If any potential burglar manages to break in, even if I’m not home, the neighbours will call the cops with a noise complaint, to stop all that damned barking.  I don’t know if my two Scottish Terriers are territorial enough to bite a stranger, but if you don’t know the steps of the dance they do, you could easily be tripped, and land on your klarn.  😳

’22 A To Z Challenge – Y

The Beatles sang Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

But The Rolling Stones sang

GET YOUR YA-YA’S OUT

Originally a Rolling Stones live album, (get yer ya ya’s out) the term usually means “to get your extra energy out” or “to blow off some steam“. One can do this many ways; it really depends on what type of person you are.

To indulge/vent an urge that society does not approve of — this can be fighting, partying, drinking, having sex, smoking pot… whatever. It implies that there are other times when you’re a “respectable citizen” and repress the urge — full-time party-animals are not getting their ya-ya’s out because they always act that way.

For the less adventurous of you, there’s always the 2002 movie, Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

I’m almost to the end of this alphabet challenge.  Do you think that I’m happy?
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Do you think that I’m damn fool enough to start another cycle in a couple of weeks??
You bet your YA-YA’S!

’22 A To Z Challenge – W

I recently had a visit, and a lovely conversation with J. R. R. Tolkien.  It’s been delayed because of COVID19, and the fact that he’s been dead for a while.  For the letter W, in the A to Z Challenge, he (strongly) suggested that I go with a High Fantasy theme.  He said that, since I’d conjured him up, if I didn’t, he’d come back to haunt me, and force me to go on a quest for a ring that was quite different from the ones on my beer-can pull-tabs.  He felt that I should write about

WARLOCK

a man who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery; a male witch; sorcerer.

a fortuneteller or conjurer.

WIZARD

a person who practices magic; magician or sorcerer.

a conjurer or juggler.

Also whiz, wiz  [wiz] . a person of amazing skill or accomplishment:

WYRD

The Old English term wyrd derives from a Proto-Germanic term *wurđíz.  Wyrd has cognates in Old Saxon wurd, and Old Norse urðr.  It used to refer to one or all of the three Greek Fates, and, while it is sparsely used, has come to mean fate, or, that which happens.  The word slowly became “weird,” and Shakespeare turned the Fates into the three prophetic witches – The Three Weird Sisters – in Macbeth.

WYVERN

a two-legged winged dragon having the hinder part of a serpent with a barbed tail.

Smaug, eat your heart out – but barbecue it with your breath first.

***

I knew it sounded familiar.  My apologies to my longer-term readers.  Apparently, I forgot to delete a few candidate-words from my blog-notes list, and managed to more-or-less replicate my W Challenge post from 2019.  Oops!  Sorry.  😳

’22 A To Z Challenge – V

HUSBAND-SPEAK – or – LONG-MARRIED-LANGUAGE
How to say a lot, without saying anything

What do you want for supper? – HMmmh?
Archon, I’m talking to you!  Are you paying attention??! – Uh-Huh!
Shall I make Mac-and-Cheese? – Unh-Unh.
What about liver and onions? –Ggcck!!
How about some potato pancakes?– OOOyum!
We got our credit card statement today.  We owe $1200 this month. – Oooff!
My sister called.  She’s coming to visit, Sunday. – Tthththbbh.
She says you should get your ass off the couch, and get more exercise. – Humph!

And now, some words about words that aren’t actually words.  They are

VOCABLES

any word, either written or spoken, regarded simply as a sequence of letters or spoken sounds, irrespective of its meaning – like Tabernacle – pronounced Tabber-nack – Which French-Canadians use as profanity.  Or Sapristi – which is used as an expression of surprise, or a meaningless intensifier.

a vocal sound intended to carry meaning;

I know how to keep my mouth shut.  I almost starved to death one time.  Wouldn’t tell my parents that I was hungry.  Never again!!  I better not keep this up, or I’ll end up saying nothing about everything.  The only things quieter would be a nod, or a head-shake, but you’d still hear the marbles rattle, and perhaps a few fall out.

Don’t slip on any when you come back on Wednesday for a bonus comedy post.   😆

Flash Fiction #292

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

AN ESSAY: BY ARCHON

My writing method – Teacher says to get marks, I have to make a story outline, then fill it in.
Doesn’t work.  I leave a space at the top, write the story, then build the outline.

I just open the mental floodgates and let the concepts spill out.  I take an idea from here, a pun from there, stitch it together like Frankenstein’s monster, and hope that creative lightning will weld it together into a coherent story.  Sometimes I win.  Sometimes you lose.  Then I use my patented,© push-broom, accurate, re-filing, storage system, ready for next time.

***

If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Flash Fiction #291

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

HAPPY  NEW YEAR!

With the fervent hope that that wish may be better realized than last year’s similar one.

2022 exits as it entered, with many of us still exiled and isolated in our homes.  The streets and shops are empty.  Merchants pray for trade, and only the likes of FedEx and Door-Dash delivery drivers, courting sickness and death, keep the economy limping along.

Things will improve.  Here’s a happy helping of confidence, and an optimistic quote from the Little Engine, who says, “I know we can!  I know we can!”

Let’s make it a great year, fellow Friday Fictioneers.

***

If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100-word story.

’22 A To Z Challenge – T

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my continuing program of offering as little useful information as possible, I present another little present from my Scottish heritage – not a Tartan, but a

TARTLE

Scottish dialect: a hesitation when introducing someone, because you forgot their name,
What does “pardon my tartle” mean?

From Scottish, it is also; to hesitate in recognizing a person or thing, as happens when you are introduced to someone whose name you cannot recall; so you say, “Pardon my tartle!”  They have you, coming, and going.

If you are wondering – as I do – where I get all this useless minutia, we can blame the wife’s Italian forebears.  The Romans had gods and goddesses for just about everything.  One of their lesser goddesses was

TRIVIA

Two roads diverged in the wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

Trivia
Trivia, the Roman goddess of crossroads and guardian of roads. Her name is derived from the Latin word ‘Trivia’ meaning “three ways” from ‘tri’ meaning three and ‘via’ meaning way or road. In Latin, ‘trivialis’ appertained to the crossroads where three roads met, which came to be known, in towns, as the ‘trivium’, or the public place. As the guardian of roads, she watched over the public paths and roads and protected travelers. She was also recognized in three aspects as part of a triad of goddesses consisting of Trivia, Luna the moon goddess and Diana the goddess of the hunt.

While you rest your probably aching brain, I’ll get a little loony with Diana, and hunt up a theme for Wednesday’s post.

***

Bonus Trivia

Where it says, “all this useless minutia,” above, Grammar Checker wants me to write, “this entire minutia,” which is not the same thing at all.  😛