The waiter asked me how I found my steak….
….I told him, “Accidentally! I just moved the tomato slice, and there it was.”
I told him I didn’t find any oysters in my oyster soup….
….He said, “Would you expect to find angels in the angel cake?”
He said, “These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.”….
….I told him to bring some that hadn’t been around that long.
I asked for a cup of coffee with no cream….
….He said they were out of cream. How about no milk?
I told him he had his thumb in my soup….
….He told me not to worry, because it wasn’t hot.
Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a bridge….
….What’s come over you?
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears….
….Don’t answer it.
If Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus….
….why did three random guys show up with presents?
A guy goes in to see a psychologist and says, “I can’t make any friends….
….Can you help me, you fat slob?”
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam….
….I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others….
….The rest of us have to be “the others.”
Footwear made from banana peels….
….are slippers.
Isn’t it ironic that procrastination….
….is something that you can do immediately?
If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed….
….I’d have $6.30 now.
People who raise poultry….
….are literally chicken tenders.
I have a clean conscience….
….I haven’t used it once yet.
I never knew what happiness was, until I got married….
….and then it was too late.
Know any jokes about Sodium?….
….Na
I love chocolate….
….but it makes my clothes shrink.
Some people say that their body is a temple….
….Mine is a bouncy castle.
If I’m lucky, my internal organs….
….will never see the light of day.
They used to time me with a stopwatch….
….now they use a calendar.