- What is a humdinger?
Someone once asked Monica Lewinski if she’d ever taken it into her head to make money. She replied that Bill Clinton had never paid her. Most of us know that a Hummer is not only a gas-guzzling penis surrogate. With a humdinger, the added fillip is digital anal insertion at the moment of truth. It really adds something – or so I’m told. No wonder she has a stain on that blue dress.
2. What is Hopscotch?
It’s a little dance I do on my way to the washroom (More of a stagger and stumble, than hop) over all the Legos and stuffed toys in the living room, after I’ve had one or two – or twelve – Glenfiddich, to wind down from another day of COVID mandate lockdowns.
Singer Bobbie Goldsboro had to go to Emergency, and get three stitches in his big toe, after he stumbled into a small pile of dried Rice Krispies, milk, and far too much sugar, that his son had dripped off the coffee table while watching morning cartoons.
3. What is Boeuf Bourguignon?
She is Shia LeBoeuf’s mother. She has been underwhelmed by his movie portrayals, and is so disappointed and embarrassed that she is going back to her maiden name.
4. What is a Lady In Waiting?
She could be any one of the professional party girls from either of the local universities who attended the drunken orgies St. Patrick’s Day or Homecoming street parties. I’ve peed on this stick, and I need to know if there’s one blue line, or two! 😯
5. What is a lupin?
Canada has a Francophone Federal opposition party politician named Pierre Poilievre, whose name translates roughly to pea-picker – like Tennessee Ernie Ford used to say, “Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart.” Lupins are members of the pea-plant family. How many peas can a pea-pickin’ politician pick while waiting for his Golden Handshake??!
6. What is brimstone?
For twenty years, the wife and I were deliriously happy. Then we met. Brimstone was the one in her engagement ring. Once I had presented that to her, my life began circling the outer ring of Dante’s Hell, just like the remains of yesterday’s burrito dinner going down the toilet. I could have married anyone I pleased, but apparently I never pleased anyone.
When we got married, the wife and I agreed that I would handle all the big problems, while she took care of the small stuff. In over 50 years of marriage, I have never had to make a major decision. The wife says that I have to go now, because I’m getting too maudlin – and the cat-litter tray needs to be cleaned out. 😉
7. What is a Lady’s Slipper?
It’s the see-through part of Cinderella’s costume that the Prince got to keep. I’m not sure how. At the stroke of midnight, the horses turned back into mice, and the coach reverted to being a pumpkin. Why didn’t the dropped shoe change back into an eggplant??!
8. How long can a snail sleep?
I can’t get mine to sleep. He keeps racing across the floor and up the walls, harassing the dogs. I should never have kept one as a pet in my meth lab.
Donald Trump’s tongue. 😛 Did you see how many ‘Good Christian’ asses he had to kiss to get into power??! And then, when a reporter asked him what his favorite Bible verse was, he couldn’t articulate one, because God shut his tongue down, so that he could not blaspheme.
10. What is a Puffling?
It’s an old, out-of-shape guy like me, whose two life-long hobbies have been to add pounds of weight, (Kilos, for those readers in Metric countries) and years of age. (Years, for those readers in Metric countries) The only thing I run now, is my tongue. My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit. I get winded just changing my mind. It’s a good thing that I don’t do it often. I’m not opinionated – it’s just that I’m always right.
Someone asked me if I was the King of Non-Sequiturs. I couldn’t answer because I was busy delivering a completed Fibbing Friday post to Pensitivity101 that was so old that I needed Indiana Jones to help me dig it up.