Pensitivity101 has thrown up her hands in resignation and wonderment at how I continue to sneak past her guard-Corgis, and purloin yet another list of prompts for creative mendacity.
(Trade secret: I quietly read to them from The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time, as a bed-time story, and they doze right off.)
- What is meant by jumping bail?
He is Christian Bale’s irreligious cousin, Atheist Bail. (The Immigration Department spelled their name differently, when they immigrated here separately, from Inner Slobovia.) He is the Track and Field Wunderkind at his high school, with his long, powerful legs. He competes in long jump, high jump, hop-step-and-jump, and finishes his afternoon workout with a few laps of hurdles.
- What is a skipping rope?
The United States still has several states with the death penalty. If you kill somebody, we’ll kill you back. In Texas, if you kill a police officer, they have installed an express lane. The State of Utah, full of loving, religious Mormons, offers the condemned prisoner a choice – hanging, or firing squad. If you choose the firing squad, that’s skipping rope.
- What is a sickly hue?
One of my cats has allergies, and is not above hacking up a bile-encrusted hairball in the middle of the night. When I stepped on one, getting out of bed one morning, I said to the wife, “I must remember to put on my slippers.” until the morning I found one – by squeamish touch – in a slipper. A sickly hue was the look on my face that day.
- What is cooking the books?
In an effort to be relevant as a wife and mother, providing food for her family, the wife purchased cookbook after cookbook – The Betty Crocker Cookbook, The Joy Of Cooking, The Canadian Cookbook, Food That Really Schmecks, The International Cookbook.
Over the years, we have enjoyed a spicy beef stew from Kenya, Scottish shepherds’ pie, French onion soup and tourtiere, perogies from the Ukraine, hot and sour soup, and beef and broccoli stir-fry, vindaloo beef, and tandoori chicken from India, Greek tarragon chicken and rice, Mexican beef fiesta, and Louisiana shrimp Creole.
As she aged, she grew weaker – more apathetic. More and more, the preparation of meals fell to me. I couldn’t produce the fancier dishes. There was one more book that I found invaluable, 365 Ground Meat Recipes – meatloaf, pork burgers with sautéed onions, hamburger goulash, hamburger stroganoff, curried hamburger, spaghetti Bolognaise, chili con carne, sloppy Joes, chili fries, ground chicken or turkey egg Fu yung, and ground lamb gyros/doners. Bon appetite. 😀
- What is a microwave?
It was the minuscule, almost subliminal, acknowledgement of my existence, from him, when I ran into my Baptist minister at the liquor store.
- What is meant by passing the buck?
This is a habit that Canadians have developed since our government stopped printing one-dollar and two-dollar bills, and replaced them with large, clunky coins. Small change isn’t all that small anymore. If you’re not careful, it’s easy to acquire a pocket or purse so full, that a limp can be induced.
While Canadians in general have embraced debit and credit cards, many of us make sure to lighten our load by paying for small purchases with these albatrosses Loonies. And some genius has been minting and passing counterfeit Toonies, with seals instead of polar bears, and some zombie guy instead of Lizzie the Twooth. https://ottawa.citynews.ca/police-beat/police-investigating-counterfeit-toonies-found-at-hawkesbury-store-4949995
- What are air kisses?
Hopefully, they’re the only kind you get, while COVID and Omicron are putting tag-team arm- ass-locks on us. The Glitterati out in Hollywood have been practicing for this for years. They’re a lot like online sex. You can have a thunderous orgasm – even if no one else is in the room.
- What is meant by shooting one’s mouth off?
A female Arizona newspaper columnist was assigned to interview the oldest man in the county – 106 years. She asked him what he attributed his long life to. He told her that he mixed a little gunpowder with his cereal each morning, and suggested that she try it. She did so for years, finally dying at 96. She left behind four children, eight grandchildren, twelve great-grandchildren, and a 24 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
- What does a dentist do?
He’s a guy like my neighbor Bob, operating a vehicle in a crowded parking lot. The local Association of Auto-Body Shops have voted him their favorite driver, three years in a row.
That’s Dennis the Menace’s dog! Am I the only one old enough to remember? 😕