I can’t be everywhere, and do everything at once. I’m only G.O.D. so I prayed to my friend God, to increase Mankind’s average intelligence. It’s a long, slow job, so He opened a Twitter account, to say some things on my behalf.
Homosexuality is not a choice.
Abortion should only be permitted in the case of rape, or incest, or when a woman wants it.
If I had wanted people to wear COVID masks, I would have made them with the ability to manufacture and wear them – which I did.
Most people who question the legitimacy of the COVID vaccine, do not question the legitimacy of a 2000-year-old book that says I had a son who rose from the dead.
I’m going to turn the Universe off, and then on again and see if that works.
He didn’t have a driver’s license either, dipshit
Wrong! That’s why I gave you two hands.
Every word in the Bible is literally true.
It’s just when you group them together into sentences, that problems arise.
I don’t recall making you this stupid.
Funny, you never hear of anti-ventilators.
Next time, dogs own people.
Every dog is a therapy dog.
The same people who won’t believe the sea is rising, happily believe My son could walk on it.
There is no vaccine against stupid.
And if there were, the stupid wouldn’t take it.
Every day I meet more and more unvaccinated people.
Out of curiosity, where were you all planning to move, after you’ve destroyed the Earth? Because I assume you’ve thought that through, right??!
At this point, the idea that I would ever “Bless America” is so absurd it’s funny.
And soon you’ll get to thank him in person.
This Thanksgiving, I’m grateful to those who don’t believe in me, for protecting the world from those who do.
Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, ON A BIBLE, is one of life’s great ironies.
Will the owners of the blue planet between Venus and Mars, please attend to your vehicle!
I applied to be a god in India, but apparently they’re overstaffed.
The great thing about COVID is it’s willing to change to be part of your life.
The COVID vaccine is part of a secret Government plot to keep you alive, so that you can work productively and raise your children.
If you think I’m pro-life, you’ve never read the Old Testament.
When someone says, “I have a right to my opinion.” They mean, “I have a right to someone else’s opinion that I found online.”
People, I can’t just ‘damn’ any ‘it’ that you’re mad at. That’s a procedure. Do the paperwork.
The first step in saving life on Earth, is admitting that you are the problem.
I apologize to my non-American followers for the strictly US focus recently.
Now that the election is over, I promise to tell you how shitty your countries are too.
My Son’s middle name is Fucking.
I never would have made you this smart if I knew you were going to be this stupid.
When people say, ”Jesus take the wheel” they forget that He no longer has feeling in his hands.
Thinking that ”They’re out to get you,” falsely implies that you are worth getting.
I TOOK BETTY WHITE??! NOW?
I am a terrible, horrible cruel, miserable God.
I am developing a new strain of anti-vaxxer that is even more resistant to reality.
Instagram and Facebook are currently not working, as are Democracy, Society, and a healthy sense of self.
Sometimes in life, all you need is for half the country to shut up.
MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Lose twenty planets
Blight more veggies
Work on the Upsilon variant
Bless fewer sneezers
Bless fewer countries
Save fewer Queens
Be more judgemental
Work more mysteriously
I cannot believe what people can believe.
He says it much better than I can, but He’s not done talking. He’ll/we’ll be back. 😛