I Found A Feather Today

Feather

I found a feather today, and along with it, I recovered a piece of the peace of my childhood. I found a sea-gull feather.  I found nostalgia, and I wallowed in it.

I was born and raised in a small town on the eastern shore of Lake Huron. The sand-bar island, half a mile offshore was/is a sea-gull nesting-site protected Provincial Park.  We had sea-gulls!  Lord, we had sea-gulls.

They loved the 4 or 5 fishing boats that went out each day. Swimming at the beach, late in the afternoon, I could watch a fish-boat heading back to the river harbor, towing a 100-yard kite of gulls behind it.  The fishermen gutted the fish on the way home, and dumped the offal in the lake.

Actually, of course, these were ‘lake gulls.’ Few, if any, ever saw salt water.  Their deep squawks were a constant summer background sound-track.  Later in life, I found that the gulls on Lake Erie were the same breed, but for some reason they cried like they had sinus infections – their calls much higher and shriller.

The simple discovery of a feather brought back childhood memories of fun, freedom, warm summer sunshine, tourists, fast-food and nothing to do, but hundreds of things to do.

As innocent children, we found many things to do with a feather. We could wedge it in our hair, or tie it on with a string or an elastic, and be an Indian in the games of Cowboys and Indians….before it became politically incorrect, and an insult to Aboriginal Rights.

I’ve cut the bottom off larger feathers at an angle, and split the longer edge, to create a quill. Sadly, all too often, instead of elegant writing on a sheet of paper, all I produced were ink-blots that would make Rorschach proud…or curious.  There’s a real art to it; one which I never mastered.

As a teen, my friend and I would split several lengthwise, and glue them to a piece of dowel we’d bought at the lumber store, ‘fletching’ it to produce an arrow. For a tip, we’d add a filed-down sliver of split-off railway track.  We could have just bought a target arrow from the hardware store, but what’s the fun in that?

Aside from fish guts, another thing that seagulls clean up is edible human waste. They keep down infections by keeping down the rat population; it’s why they’ve been declared a protected species.  In my warm, fuzzy home-town, they kept the streets cleaned of dropped tourist (and native) hot dogs, French fries, ice cream cones and popcorn.

My current home is, sadly, much closer to Lake Erie than it is to Lake Huron, so the gulls shriek with a nasal twang. There’s a landfill site behind the plaza where I found the feather, and at least 12 eating establishments inside it.  With the help of some sparrows and chickadees, they keep the grounds clean.

When I found the feather, it took me on a lovely flight of retrospective fantasy. I didn’t even pick it up, but left it, hoping that another young Archonoid would jam it in his hair, or take it home to tickle his sister with.  Perhaps even, an adult would see it, and be winged into some pleasant thought or memory.

Remember, sex involving a feather is a fun fantasy. Sex involving an entire bird is perverted.   😉

Feather 2

Cowboy Wisdom

1  Never squat with your spurs on.

2  Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

3  Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

4  The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm.  The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow.

5  The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you shave his face every morning.

6  A woman marries a man thinking she can change him, but she can’t.  A man marries a woman thinking she’ll never change, but she does.

7  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

8  Never miss a good chance to keep your mouth shut.

 

Artistic Putdowns

  1. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  4. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a damn.
  5. I like you. You remind me of me, when I was young and stupid.
  6. What am I?? Flypaper for freaks?
  7. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  9. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
  10. It’s a thankless job, but I have a lot of Karma to burn off.
  11. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  12. No! My powers can only be used for good.
  13. How about never? Is that good for you?
  14. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  15. You sound reasonable….time for my medication.
  16. Are you a little ray of sunshine every day?
  17. I’ll try being nicer, if you’ll try being smarter.
  18. I’m out of my mind – but feel free to leave a message
  19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  20. Who me?? I just wander from room to room.
  21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys.
  22. I may look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m quite busy.
  23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  24. You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.
  25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  26. Someday, we’ll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
  27. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

The Process

I’m, as you imagine, as plain as plain can be.
The place is Piccadilly, the players, he and she.
She whimpers, Will it hurt?  Of course not whispers he,
It’s a very simple process, you can rely on me.

I’m really rather scared said she,
I haven’t had this before.
My friend has had it seven times.
She said it can be sore.

Then finally she consented
To lie back and relax a bit,
And quickly he bent over her,
And then he started it.

It was getting rather painful,
And tears flowed from her eyes.
It was really hurting now,
It must be quite a size.

Just try to be calm, he said,
His face filled with a grin.
Try and open a little wider,
So I can get in.

It’s coming now he said.
I know, she said with bliss.
Feeling deep within me
She said, I’m glad I’m having this.

And with a final effort,
She gave a final shout.
She grinned at him in anguish,
And he finally pulled it out.

She lay back, quite contented.
She sighed, and gave a smile
And said, I’m glad I came now,
You’ve made it worth my while.

Now if you read this carefully,
A dentist you will find.
It’s not what you imagine,
It’s just your dirty mind.