The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked. “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.” She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City. He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B. With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra? He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted. “Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.” Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?” The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.” He mused on that information for a minute and said: “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?” “A Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”
The wife crashed the car today – again. She told the police that the guy she ran into was on his cellphone, and drinking a beer.
The police told her that he can do whatever he wants in his own living-room.
The COVID conspiracy-theory nuts insist that the Government is trying to inject nano-bots into us to track and trace all of us.
The government has denied this. They say that they would never do that to law-abiding citizens. They know who the trouble-makers are by their phone conversations and Internet browser histories and credit card histories and the satellite imagery of their houses, and data extracted from their birth records, passports, immigration and emigration records; so rest assured, they have identified who not to track. They only track all the other poor fools.
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies’ Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a ten-dollar bill. When the male dancer came over to us, she licked the bill, and stuck it to one of his ass cheeks.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. She called the guy back, licked the twenty, and stuck it to the other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, a third friend whipped out a $50 bill, called the dancer back, and licked the bill. I was worried about the way things were going, but she just stuck it to one of his butt-cheeks. My relief was short-lived.
Seeing how things were going, the guy gyrated over to me. Now all the attention was on me, and the guy was egging me on to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet!!? What could I do?
The woman in me took over. I took out my debit card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.
I worked with a guy who just irritated everyone in the shop. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected that he was annoying, because he asked a co-worker, “Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?”
The guy replied, “It saves time.”