My teeth are like the stars. They come out at night.
With a smile and a wave to Pensitivity101, and The Usual Gang of Idiots who compose these lists, this is my most recent chance to lie through my teeth. I just blow gently, as they sit beside my hot chocolate.
1. What is a tie dye?
That’s what might happen to me, if I try to self-accessorize. My wife, the Mistress (or is that distress?) of circumlocution says, “Are you wearing that?” – which means, ‘I may have to strangle you with that tie, because I would dye of embarrassment if you went out in public with it on.’
I quickly reply, ‘This??! Uh, no! This must have been right beside the one I should have picked. Why don’t you grab it for me, Honey?’
2. What is a raglan sleeve?
That’s what’s on some of my older gently-used tee-shirts. I don’t want to say that I am old – and cheap – but I’ve watched silent movies in some of them. Now, if I don’t keep an eye on them, the wife makes them into muscle shirts by ripping the sleeves off, and using them to dust.
3. What is seersucker?
That was the last suit I purchased, before we were married. Seers Sears sold it, and a sucker bought it.
All those stops at the French fry trucks had to have some consequences. The doctor told me to watch my weight…. so I put it out in front, where I can keep an eye on it. I put a roof over the tool-shed.
5. What is a yoke collar?
See number 1, above. Wifey says, ‘You think you’re going to wear a tie with little dollar signs and dollar bills to the funeral of a Catholic nun who swore an oath of poverty?? Is that some kind of yoke joke?’
6. What is meant by pigeon toed?
That’s the hottest, most recent, culinary trend, already replacing smash-burgers. Instead of the usual turners, cooks are using three-prong garden scuffles to flip patties. It leaves a birds-foot-like impression, and three holes that cheese can melt and sink into.
7. How many pleats are in a kilt?
I don’t know about you, but I just need one big one, in the front.
8. What is bias binding?
That was an explicit BDSM passage from 50 Shades of Grey. And then he put a blindfold on her, and fed her strawberries as she lay on the floor…. No, no! That was from 9-1/2 Weeks.
9. What is Velcro?
I’m not sure. Why don’t you stick around while I do a bit of quick research? Don’t tear yourselves away.
10. What is twill webbing?
That’s an adroit, multi-tasking Scotsman, surfing the Internet while playing the bagpipes.