Grumpy Old Dude One-Liners

New show, The Walking Dad….
….It’s just me, wandering around the house, turning off lights, muttering, “I’m not made of money.”

I ate an entire clock yesterday….
….It was very time-consuming.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?….
….Park your car, man.

I am not addicted to reading….
….I can quit – as soon as I finish this chapter.

I made a pencil with two erasers….
….It was pointless

I slept like a log last night….
….Woke up in the fireplace.

I finally found a good use for a stress ball….
….I throw it at anyone who makes me upset or anxious.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?….
….We arson.

Nothing is really lost….
….Until Mom can’t find it.

I thought I was losing weight….
….Turns out my sweatpants came untied.

I may be crazy….
….But crazy is better than stupid.

Autobiographies are now known as….
….Literary selfies.

Condoms should be used….
….at every conceivable occasion.

I got a friends request from Quasimodo….
….I don’t think I know him, but the name rings a bell.

I used to work as a circus trapeze artist….
….Till they let me go.

I have OCD….
….Old, Cranky, and Demented.

Before the invention of the wheel….
….Everything was a total drag.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?….
….Because dogs can’t whistle.

Insomniacs are sick human beings!….
….How do they sleep at night?

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face today….
….I love felt-tip pens.

My son kept giving us shocks from static electricity….
….So I grounded him.

I have a goal of losing 20 pounds this year….
….Only 30 more to go.

A Blast Of One-Liners

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office washroom….
….With an air-horn.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….
….And stupid – we should fear the shit out of stupid.

Stop shaming fat people….
….They have enough on their plate already.

My wife made me join a bridge club….
….I jump off next Tuesday.

I stayed at a really cheap hotel….
….They stole my towel.

Another name for the Highway to Hell….
….Is the Route of All Evil.

I removed all the bad food from my house….
….It was delicious.

My housekeeping style is best described as….
….”There appears to have been a struggle.”

In wine there is wisdom….
….In water there is bacteria.  You decide.

People just write ‘Congrats’….
….Because they can’t spell ‘Congrajlashins.’

A procrastinator’s work….
….Is never done.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son starts dating….
….Apparently jealousy was the wrong answer.

I often question my sanity….
….Occasionally it replies.

A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare….
….She replied, “You’d only lose it.”

Who invented fractions?….
….Henry the 1/8th

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary….
….I know next to nothing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol….
….Dignity is not one of them.

My stomach is flat….
….The L is silent.

My friend brags that his 3-D printer can print a gun….
….Big deal, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I have a joke about fireflies….
….That most people say is brilliant.

My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed my teeth….
I said, “You should remember.  You were there.”

This old-age stuff….
….Has come at a bad time of my life.

Anti-racism is when white people protest….
….Against other white people, for being white.

Killer One-Liners

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny….
….Unless they’re properly executed.

Spiderman was found dead this morning….
….Police suspect he committed insecticide.

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm….
….I immediately grounded him.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a body-building contest….
….And found that he’d seriously misunderstood the goals.

Atheism and Theism are but two sides of the same coin….
….One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Insomnia is terrible, but on the plus side….
….Only three more sleeps till Christmas

If two vegans get into a fight….
….Is it still called a beef?

They say a camera adds ten pounds….
….After my last look in a mirror, I must be under heavy surveillance.

I was eating pizza, before pizza was cool….
….I never seem to learn.

What’s the correct serving size for pizza?….
….Until you hate yourself.

What’s the funniest thing I’ve stolen?….
….A joke.

It’s all fun and games….
….Until your oversize shirts start fitting.

I accidently went shopping on an empty stomach….
….Now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.

I was waving at my neighbor for ten minutes this morning….
….Before realizing that she was cleaning her windows

Did you hear about the man who lived in a tire?….
….He had a puncture, and now lives in a flat.

A recent study by statisticians shows….
….The average human has one breast and one testicle.

I have a meeting at the bank later to solve all my money worries….
….I’m so excited, I can hardly get the balaclava on.

The cops just left.  They said if I’m gonna walk around the house naked…
….I gotta do it inside.

My doctor diagnosed me as a kleptomaniac….
….I asked, ‘Is there anything I can take for that?’

Do trees shit?….
….Of course they do.  That’s how we get #2 pencils.

My girlfriend told me I need to show more affection….
….Now I have two girlfriends.

If I cut off my right butt cheek….
….I would be left behind.

I had an addiction to masturbation….
….But I beat it.

Texas Hold-Em Joker

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

***

The math teacher asked the class, “If I have three bottles in one hand, and two in the other, what do I have?”
A student replied, “A drinking problem.”

***

Eat whatever you like because

The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60
And then..
KFC inventor died at 94
The inventor of the Nutella brand died at the age of 88
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
Hennessy inventor died at 98
The inventors of Afghani food (Qabeli, Manto and Chapli Kebab) are still alive.
How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?
The rabbit is always hopping but it lives for 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives 400 years.

So,  Rest,  Chill,  Stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy life…

***

This is Rowan, our Wee Bean. The only other person that I personally know named Rowan, is Rowan Atkinson, who played Mister Bean.

Rowan is the official name of the Mountain Ash tree, sacred and respected by Wiccans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks after they had photos taken of our new great-grandchild, his new Mom returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that she couldn’t get a word in.

Finally, after she’d seen all 20 poses, he asked her which ones she was most interested in.

“None,” she replied. “This isn’t my child.”

***

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”
The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”
The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”
And the guy says, “Your light was on.”

***

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song about some guy’s truck leaving him.

***

Sitting in a recliner, naked, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, just minding my business….
And Wal-Mart calls the police.

Being A Baby About One-Liners

Baby

People ask me what I’d like for my 76th birthday….
….I tell them, a paternity suit.

I’ve got rid of all my winter fat….
….Now I have spring rolls.

A bike in town keeps running me over….
….It’s a vicious cycle.

Is a cow that won’t give milk a milk dud….
….or an udder failure?

I’m so good at sleeping….
….I can do it with my eyes closed

I took a video of my shoe yesterday….
….It has some great footage.

Today at the bank, an old woman asked me to check her balance….
….so I pushed her over.

Average things are manufactured….
….in the satisfactory.

My wife says I’m absolutely useless at fixing appliances….
….Well, she’s in for a shock

I have a black belt in origami….
….I made it myself

How many lawyers does it take to fill an ambulance?….
….I don’t know. No-one’s ever tried to save one.

We don’t have an alarm system….
….I was just standing on the cat

A horse walks into a bar….
….The bartender says, ”Hey.”….
….The horse replies, “Sure.”

A hermit is….
….a man who goes off by himself

To improve my sex life I took Viagra and a bit of cannabis….
….I just ended up with stiff joints.

I can eat sugar with either hand….
….I’m ambi-dextrose.

Two guys walk into a bar….
….The third one ducked

Would you like to hear a construction joke?….
….Well, I’m still working on it.

Wanna hear a roof joke?….
….Okay, the first one’s on the house.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing….
….but mean your Mother

Ghosts like to ride in elevators….
….because it raises their spirits

I just spent $10,000 on home improvements….
….Now my home wants to leave me.

I’ve been watching women’s beach volleyball, and there was a wrist injury….
….but I should be okay by tomorrow

If you have a lot of math nerds in your family….
….you have square roots

What do electricians discuss?….
….Current events

 

’19 A To Z Challenge – T

Eating Contest

Oh, to be able to eat like a teen-ager again: to put away food like we were eating Mom and Dad out of house and home: when my hyper-kinetic lifestyle and metabolism shed calories and pounds like Donald Trump going through White House advisors.

Once upon a time, the majority of people worked for a living. Nowadays, in the First World, the hardest work most of us do is tap a keyboard, whether in an office, or while watching a robot or automated machine do the heavy lifting. Weight loss/control has become an expanding business.

In the auto-parts plant, I moved 9 tons (almost 18,000 pounds) of material per day, by hand, and ate like it. A couple of hundred years ago, that would have been considered the opening act. Those guys needed FOOD to fuel their work. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you

TRENCHERMAN

Not a superhero who lays pipe or cable, but,

a person who has a hearty appetite; a heavy eater.
a person who enjoys food; hearty eater

Origin of trencher

1275–1325; Middle English trenchour something to cut with or on: Anglo-French; Middle French
New French – trancher – board or plank
a rectangular or circular flat piece of wood on which meat, or other food, is served or carved.

The heavy-eating manual laborers who could be described as trenchermen needed something for their food to be served on/in. They could hardly take fine china to their worksite, or even rude pottery. It was often too likely to be broken or lost, and Tupperware© and Rubbermaid© hadn’t been invented yet.

These rough-and-ready laborers got their meals served on rough-and-ready platters, chunks of lumber that didn’t go into the buildings that they were erecting – slivers and splinters just added needed fiber. The nearest modern equivalent is the cardboard pizza box. Although I’d like to, I can’t eat an entire pizza any more – even a small one. Fortunately, Ziploc© has invented plastic bags, in which to save the leftovers for another day.

He left us too soon, partly because of his trencherman actions, but funny-man John Pinette has an amusing YouTube clip, entitled Around The World In 80 Buffets. Drop back in a couple of days. Not too early though, I’ll be over at Shoney’s for their Early Bird Special.   😉

2017 A To Z Challenge – Gastronomy

Challenge2017  Letter G

Don’t confuse the title of this post with Astronomy. That’s the study of heavenly bodies.  This will be about the study of my body.  It’s far from heavenly, but it has its own gravitation field, and can cause eclipses.

For the first half of my working career, eating and weight gain were no big deal. My office jobs were so sedentary that I didn’t require great numbers of calories.  With two kids to raise, there wasn’t a lot of spare cash available for French fries, junk food or soft drinks, and the wife had not yet become the great cook that she would be a bit later in life.  Although I did manage to go from a stick-thin kid of 135 pounds, to a solid, well-built man of 185, and stayed that way for years.

All that changed when I left the offices, parked my brain at the door, and went to work in the plants. Suddenly, the jobs were so physical that I needed and consumed 3000/3500 calories a day.  The kids grew up, and there was enough cash for the occasional fast food treat, and the wife was described by her brother, a professional chef, as a better cook than him.

185 lbs. crept to 190, then 195, then to 200. I’m a good eater.  The greeter at the grocery end of Wal-Mart says, “Welcome back Archon. It’s always nice to see you.  Two more visits and I can retire to Florida.”  The wife learns 5 new recipes, and I gain 5 new pounds.  Now I’m 205 lbs., and I can see retirement looming, but not my toes.  Changes have to be made!

The wife says that we’re getting older, and the chance of weak bones is increasing, so drink chocolate milk and eat cheese every day. I’m okay if I stay upstairs, in the computer room, but if I go downstairs in the evening, I’m wrestled to the ground by a toasted bagel – or some potato chips that were on sale – or cookies and hot chocolate.  It’s always something.

I have lots of will power. What I need is some won’t power.  The wife thinks I’m obsessive, because I weigh myself every day.  Seven years into retirement, I’ve passed 210, and occasionally 215.  217!  218!  The day I saw 220, I – not ‘panicked’ – but something has to be done.  Something other than letting the white beard grow back in, and buying a Santa suit.

Yesterday, the scale read 209.8, but my blood pressure was 136/78. The diastolic is still low, but I need to do something about the systolic – like lose some more weight.  I don’t want to be the guy in the Christmas song – round John Virgin.  If I was the victim of a shooting, the chalk outline would be a circle.

Thanx for reading the whine I had with my cheese. I’ll see you around….as long as I’m not quite as round next time.   😳

Fat Man