During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Kitchener City Council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied,
“Remain calm and stay on the line.”
Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.
A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old, disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;