Hop To It!

grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool,
and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and
says “You know… we have a drink named after you…”

To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a
drink named Bob?”

***

One day, after a man had his annual
physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there
anything that you’d like to talk about
or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about
getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you
talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

***
Q.  The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t
use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?

A.  A coffin.

***

A father asked his young son if he knew about the
birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the
boy exploded, bursting into tears. Confused, his
father asked the youngster what was wrong.

Oh Pop,” the boy sobbed, “for me there was no Santa
Claus at age six, no Easter bunny at age seven, no
tooth fairy at age eight and no stork at ten. And
if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t
really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

***

Mommy, Mommy! What’s an orgasm?
I don’t know dear, ask your father.

***

After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband,
Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body
cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later,
Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat
diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from
the mantel and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

“Mike, my beloved Mike,” she began, “I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?” “And, Mike,” she continued, “Do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring?  Yes?  You remember?  Here it is, Mike.  Do you like it?” “Well,” Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, “There’s that blow job I was promising you.”

 

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I Am A Challenge Too….Two

challenge

Now then, what was I saying writing, when I so rudely interrupted myself??  Ah yes, the 31-Day Challenge Magic Act, where I sawed a woman blog in half.

Why and when did you start blogging? My first post went out on November 21, 2011.  As to why, read my ‘About’ page, which includes the text to the post ‘If’.  Anything that doesn’t include, feel free to ask.

Advice on your area of expertise Since I am now successfully retired, my advice consists of, “Sleep in, have a snack, take a nap.  Rinse, and repeat if necessary.  Wage slaves, apply only on weekends.”

List 5 blogs you read on a regular basis, and why Many of the blogs I used to read ‘regularly’, are now dormant, or episodic.  One that I read regularly is Cordelia’s Mom because, as her tagline says, it’s ‘just good reading’.  Another we perhaps should all read regularly, is You’ve Been Hooked, tales from a bellman at a ritzy hotel in Niagara Falls.  (Caution, Humorous Adult Content)

What do you collect? Bills(notes/money – not utility), coins, knives, books, aches, pains, medical specialists, prescription drugs

What’s your greatest fear? I like to think that I keep my life well-ordered enough, that I don’t put me or mine in any position where I need fear anything.  I have no …phobias.  Fear/worry are counterproductive.  Either stay away from that which causes fear, or learn to face and defeat it.

Provide 5 easy steps to anything From my living-room chair, to the kitchen fridge/snack.  One….two….three….four….five – a pickled egg and some cheddar.  That was easy.

What do you do to save money? Not spend it.  While there are many who have less than us, I am/was a child of poverty.  Raised by a Depression-trained Scottish mother, I learned early to make a buck go a long way.  Once, while on an extended period of unemployment benefits, the Government office sent me home with a booklet on how to get the most from the least.  [Put soap bar ends in a mesh bag, and use it like a puff for hand and face washing, or soak and swish it in hot dishwater to produce suds.]  I took it back with 5 or 6 suggestions that they hadn’t thought of.

Describe your most embarrassing moment Like ‘fear’ above; I am careful/lucky enough, not to place myself in embarrassing situations.  Mostly, I just don’t give a shit – almost impossible to embarrass.  I could be a nudist.  I don’t wear clothing for my own modesty, but to protect the eyes and sanity of those around me.

Describe your city Germanic, and organic.  The entire area was settled 200+ years ago by Pennsylvania Dutch immigrants.  Waterloo, our twin-city to the north, has flowed to join my Kitchener, renamed a century ago from Berlin.  To our south, the small cities of Preston, Hespeler and Galt were merged in 1973, into Cambridge.  We have continued to flow together to produce a city of half a million, 5 miles wide, by 20 miles long, straddling Ontario’s major highway.  Streets and roads run hither and yon, confusing tourists, as told in my ‘You Can’t Get There From Here’ post.

What’s your favorite restaurant? With a Cordon Bleu chef/wife on staff, and wallets full of moths, we eat very well at home.  The occasional treat meal out is limited to the Golden Arches and its cousins.  Like the ‘favorite recipe’ in part 1, my love of Tex-Mex is so well known that, “What is your favorite restaurant?/Taco Bell” is a security question/answer on a website.

What’s your guilty pleasure show? With satellite TV costs soaring, we cancelled our subscription a year ago.  We moved the television from the basement den up to the living room, and linked to Netflix.  TV watching might be 2 hours a week.  It has led to a large increase in reading.

What’s your favorite season? As I wrote in ‘Location, location, location’, we live in a Goldilocks area.  It gets warm, but not too hot in the summer.  It gets cold, but not too frigid and snowy in the winter.  I wouldn’t want to live in Winnipeg or Atlanta.  Spring is great, with its burgeoning greenery and promise of rebirth, but, my birthday is in the autumn, and I love the harvested crops, and the colorful foliage.

Talk about your idea of a prefect date Wellll….it would have to be one that the wife is unaware of.  More and more, I get ones with people with MD after their name.

How do you normally spend your weekend? Ah, the joys of being retired.  If it weren’t for reading newspapers, I wouldn’t know what day it is – or month.  Weekends differ from weekdays in that, instead of going out to pick up a Toronto Sun newspaper, I might drive the wife to the Farmers’ Market, or the daughter to a Pow-Wow for fun and profit.

Explain what you liked most about this challenge It’s finished!  It gave me yet another chance to drop some (more) smart-ass comments that you’re still shaking your head about, and wondering if they’re really true.  And of course, it helps my stat numbers of published posts.

Thanx for visiting Crazyville Archon’s Den.  I hope to see you again in a couple of days.

A To Z Challenge – K

april-challenge

I’m going to kludge out another alphabetized blog-post, if that’s

O   letter-k

with you.

KARMA

noun

Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman.

Compare bhakti (def 1), jnana.

Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation.
fate; destiny.

Synonyms: predestination, predetermination, lot, kismet.

The good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something:

Let’s get out of here. This place has bad karma. 

Like Christianity’s Heaven/Hell carrot/stick, karma is a concept invented by insecure people desperate to prove to themselves that they have some kind of relevance and importance. I just can’t buy it.  I am happy with me and my life as it is, and what may or may not happen to me when it is finished.

Whether you call it Life, or Karma, or the Universe, or God, there is proof that it is profoundly disinterested in you. All the being good, or praying, amounts to absolutely nothing.  One person prays for a sunny day, so that they can go to the beach.  A farmer prays for rain for his crops.  One will claim that his prayer was answered.  Whatever occurs, does so at the frequency of random occurrence.  There is no Karma!

KNOWLEDGE

acquaintance with facts, truths, or principles, as from study or investigation; general erudition:knowledge of many things.

the body of truths or facts accumulated in the course of time.

I have very few abilities – at least marketable ones. I continue to research things that will do me absolutely no good.  I like to think that I have a considerable body of knowledge, but the only thing I know for sure, is how little I really know.

KITTENS

There, I’ve put the word in my post, and I’ll put it as a tag to the post. No definition, ‘cause you guys all know what kittens are and love them.  (No, no, Rants!  Not for dinner, with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti. 😯 )  No photos, ‘cause my four cats are far from kittens.  If you want pictures, YouTube and the blogosphere are rife with them.  This is just an experiment to see how many hits and likes I get by mentioning them.  You can tell me how much you love them.  (Or not)

Okay! Okay!  Don’t yell.  You talked me into it.

sits

KNITTING noun 1. the act of a person or thing that knits. 2. the act of forming a fabric by looping a continuous yarn. 3. knitted work.

Idioms

  1. stick /tend to one’s knitting, to mind one’s own business: Don’t worry about my work—just tend to your knitting.

to devote oneself to one’s assignments or responsibilities: Years of sticking to his knitting finally paid off.

Knitting is a very Zen-like, or Yoga-type activity. Like pacing the floor, or twiddling one’s thumbs, it gives the body something to do while the mind relaxes.  Unlike the other two, at the end of knitting, you have something concrete to show for the time and energy you’ve spent.  The wife should soon have finished, a heavy, cozy, pair of bed-socks to keep my ever-aging feet warm, so that I can sleep.

Knitting can be so relaxing, that the wife usually only does it while we are watching TV, or the daughter is visiting. If she tries to do it without some sort of external mental stimulation, she often nods off.  If I take the daughter to a medical appointment where she might have to spend time waiting, instead of a book, she often brings some knitting.  She knits up 12” X 12” wash-cloths that she markets online.

I seem to have knit up the raveled sleave of care for this post. I’ll go get lost, till it’s time to publish my L post.  See you there.   😀

 

Bottle Babies

Genie

Two guys in a life raft in the middle of
the ocean.

One sees an old bottle floating. He picks
it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.

The genie says, “For letting me out, I will
grant you one wish.”

The guy says, (without thinking) “Turn this
ocean into beer”. And the ocean turns into
the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, “You idiot,
now we’ll have to piss in the boat”.

***

Two old men sit on a bench in a park when one of
them asks the other:
“How many times can you have sex”?
“Not more than twice”, replies the other old man.
A few minutes of silence, then the first old man asks again:
“Which of the times is the best one then?”
“Hmmmm, I think the one in Spring.” says the other old man.

***

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

***

Single women complain that all good men are
married, while all married women complain about
their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a
good man.

***

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

***

How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?

We don’t know, it has never happened.

***

A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a
classy bar in the South (States). This
bar has a dress code, and the maître d’
demands he wear a tie.

Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to
sulk when inspiration strikes: He’s got
jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps
them around his neck, sort of like a
string tie (a bulky string tie to be
sure) and returns to the bar.

The maître d’ is reluctant, but says to
the guy, “Okay, you’re a pretty
resourceful fellow, you can come in…
but just don’t start anything”!

***

Your kid may be an honors student,
but you’re still an idiot!

Empathy Thrust Upon Me

Medicine

Of all the things I hoped to be when I was young, a wrinkled bag of aches and pains wasn’t one of them.  Some while ago, BrainRants, a mere stripling in his mid-forties, published a post about all the pains and strange body noises he was accumulating.  Bloody amateur, just wait till he moves up to the pros.

Through a confluence of good genes, a relatively physical lifestyle, and a modified Mediterranean diet, I am far healthier than many men my age.

Several years ago, a doctor at a clinic remarked to the wife, “You have a lot of things wrong with you.  Nothing that will kill you, but a lot of minor problems.”  Between prescription meds and supplements, she downs 20 to 25 pills a day.  She has a general surgeon who has removed a couple of skin growths, a urologist, a rheumatologist, a podiatrist and an osteopath.  I drive her to a cancer clinic and an airway clinic for monitoring.

Until recently, I was exempt from all that.  I had sympathy for her, but didn’t really know what she went through.  All that has changed.  It started innocently enough, about 15 years ago.  She convinced me to take an antihistamine each morning, for allergies.  Then it was a Vitamin B tablet.  I don’t know what it does.  I don’t ask. I am a husband, Yes dear, Yes dear.

Vampire

Next was Vitamin D, I took a tablet a day.  Last year’s blood test revealed that I am low on Vitamin D.  It has to do with my vampire lifestyle schedule – up all night, sleep all day.  I don’t get enough sunlight.  (It burns!  It burns!)  The doctor insists that I take two.  I take a multivitamin tablet laced with something to keep my retinas from deteriorating.

This year’s physical revealed that I have ‘Old Man’s Disease’, my prostate is swollen.  It also showed that my thyroid is running a bit slow.  Perhaps that’s a small part of my weight gain.  I am now taking medication for both of those.  Only ten pills a day, 9 of them before breakfast, and a heavy-duty pain pill a couple of hours before dawn, to help me get to sleep.  I now take four ‘little blue pills’, and not one of them made by Pfizer – although the doctor did offer me Cialis.

I’m on a call-back list for a Neurologist, from my eye problem of a couple of years ago, but my Ophthalmologist visits are down to once a year.  My long-time Optometrist recently died suddenly, but I’ve found a nice young female replacement.

The duct of a fat gland in my back stopped up and it swelled a bit.  Nothing to worry about – until it infected and grew as big as half an orange, making it difficult to sit or lie down.  It burst before I got to see a surgeon, but now I’m on his call list, because another gland is swelling.

Because of the enlarged prostate, I have an appointment to see a Urologist.  I’d sooner suffer another colonoscopy.  You’re going to push what, up where?  I’m waiting for an appointment with a Dermatology surgeon because I have a couple of suspect skin growths.  I have yet to acquire a Rheumatologist, although the most recent spike of incipient arthritis had me barely hobbling for a week.

I have had empathy for the wife and daughter (and any of the rest of you who suffer these accretions of ‘minor’ problems) thrust upon me.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot
of your time.  What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What’s that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first; get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get
a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty
years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement!

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school! You go to grade school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating…you finish off as a gleam.

Here’s hoping that my list of pills and specialists doesn’t grow to match the wife’s, but even if it does, it beats the alternative.  (Did I mention that my ass gets sore from sitting at the computer too much?)

The Art Of Programming

Nerd

An architect, an artist and a programmer were
discussing whether it was better to have a wife
or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and mystery he
found there.

The programmer said, “I prefer to have both.”

“Both?”

Programmer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other woman, and you can go to the
office and get some work done.”

***

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks
his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his
own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his
drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees
3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and
asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time
I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the
drawer.”

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad. But
what about the $6,000? He explains “Whenever I
got a dozen golf balls, I sold ’em!”

***

Any time four New Yorkers climb into the same cab without an argument, there’s been a bank robbery.

Men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.

Losing a wife is hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

***

I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I’m a catholic and living with him is hell.

***

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of
pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the
woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the
doctor, “Be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index
finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she
touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch!
That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right
nipple, “Ow, even that hurts”, she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a
moment and asked, “Are you a natural blonde?”

“Why, yes,” she said.

“I thought so,” said the
doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

#494

Cripes!

My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people
there.  Very wholesome.

They use words like ‘Cripes!’  ‘For Cripe’s sake!
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?  The son of
‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’!

I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn
in ‘Heck’?

***

Old age isn’t bad – when you consider the alternative.

***

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when
the Lone Ranger puts up his hand and says,
“Whoa.” He then climbs down from his horse
Silver, walks behind the horse, lifts his tail
and kisses the horse on his asshole. He then
remounts and they ride on.

A little while later, the Lone Ranger again
raises his hand and says, “Whoa.” He dismounts,
lifts the tail and kisses Silver on the ass
again, then remounts.

Tonto, not sure as to what is going on asks,
“Hmph! Kemo Sabe why you get off Silver and kiss
him on asshole?” The Lone Ranger replies,
“Chapped lips.” Tonto then says, “Ugh. That good
for chapped lips?” The Lone ranger replies, “No,
but it keeps you from licking them.”

***

HERE ARE A FEW IDEAS TO HELP YOU
ALLEVIATE THE STRESS OF TODAY’S
FRANTIC MOMENTS

1:  Use your MasterCard to pay off your Visa.
2:  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3:  Forget Weight-Watchers, and send yourself a Candygram
4:  Make a list of things to do, that you’ve already done.
5:  Get revenge for tax woes by filling out your forms in Roman numerals.
6:  Tattoo “Out to lunch” on your forehead.
7:  Leaf through a National Geographic, and draw underwear on all the natives.
8:  Go shopping!  Buy everything!  Sweat in it!  Return it the next day.
9:  Drive to work in reverse.
10:  Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
11:  Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
12:  Write a short story using alphabet soup.
13:  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
14:  Make up a language and ask for directions.

I know some of you may have already used one or more of these sanity-saving stress reducers.  Feel free to try the rest, before you wind up like this guy.

thank you for holding

#455