A Fibbing Friday With Connections

Pensitivity101’s theme was song connections this past week.  As usual, I’m a week late, and a joke short.

1. Who recorded Mouldy Old Dough?

It was a lament by Scrooge McDuck, until he managed to get his money vault climate controlled, and the deterioration stopped.  In today’s electronic banking age, all his little digital ones and zeros are spiffy clean and shiny.

2. What colour icing was on the cake in MacArthur Park?
   

If it was in MacArthur Park, it would have been tartan.  It slid sideways in the picnic basket, and touched some of the other food.  That’s how we got Green Eggs and Ham.

3. Who sang they were made out of Gingerbread?

Whoever they were, they were likely British of some flavour.  North Americans are so addicted to sugar that we put it in our breads.  USA Americans purchase so much sweet pastries that they can’t even spell Krispy Kreme correctly.  Canadians are a bit better, but our national coffee shop chain, Tim Horton’s, singlehandedly supports the honey industry.

4. Who sang Tutti Frutti?

The 1910 Fruitgum Company??

5. Who recorded Green Onions?

Booker T (Jones) and the M.G. – which stands/stood for Memphis Group.  The hypercorrect incorrect lie was that it was MGs, and referred to hot-damned MG cars, because it was released at the peak of surfer/hot-rod rock.

6. Who had a boy lollipop?

A lot of people!  The girl lollipops don’t have that long stick.  Just think what you’ve been grasping, all these years.

7. What is a Tangerine Dream?

That’s the witness protection alias of a Dutch international banking and financial institution.  They came to North America as ING, and confused lots of people.  (That’s a low bar to clear)  Folks wondered, Are they lyING?  Are they borING?  Are they gougING? So they became ING Direct.  The fog only became thicker, so they suddenly became Tangerine, and the confusion all cleared up.

8. Sugar Sugar or Honey Honey?

Yes please!  But on alternate mornings.  My incipient diabetes can only take so much.

9. Who sang Sugar Pie Honey Bunch?

Kellogg’s Cereals, and Post Cereals, did for years, until consumer protection groups and pediatric nutrition organizations forced them to reformulate their breakfast foods out of psyllium fiber and bran powder, making the boxes more appetizing and nutritious.

10. Do you need Hot Butter for Popcorn?

Not always.  Sometimes I like mine sprinkled with Tex-Mex flavor powder, but only if it’s prepared by the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.

Smitty’s Loose Change #19

Ding-dong!  The wicked witch of COVID lockdowns is dead – or at least mortally wounded.  Someone threw a pail of hand-sanitizer on her.  Earlier in August, I spent an exciting weekend.  On Saturday, we attended the celebration of the wife’s aunt/godmother’s 100^th birthday.  Now I have a goal to shoot for.

On the Sunday, I attended an al fresco meeting of the Free Thinkers, in the park.  Damn the Woke Generation!!  In conversation, as I do in my blog-posts, I mentioned, “The Wife.”  A feminist jumped all over me for using that expression, “like she was just some object.  You should refer to her as, ‘My wife”

A male, unasked, unwanted and unneeded, came to my rescue by saying that the term ‘My Wife’ could indicate ownership and control.  Damned if I do.  Damned if I don’t!  Whatever happened to ‘Just keep your damned mouth shut?’

***

An overnight success, after twenty years in the business

Musical archeologists, searching for the lost Ark of the Goldie-Oldies, recently dug up what may be one of the earliest examples of PC/Woke.  They unearthed the 1961 novelty song, My boomerang won’t come back by Charlie Drake.

“My Boomerang” is not exactly a paragon of political correctness, even by 1961 standards. In the song an Aboriginal meeting is described as a “pow-wow”—something more appropriate for Native Americans—while their chanting sounds more African than Aboriginal. (Oddly, many of the Aboriginal speakers in the song have either American or British accents.) Most of all, Drake raised eyebrows with the chorus: “I’ve waved the thing all over the place/practised till I was black in the face/I’m a big disgrace to the Aborigine race/My boomerang won’t come back!”

After the BBC refused to play the tune (despite its popularity in record shops), a new version was recorded, substituting “blue in the face.”  When the song was initially released in the USA it also contained the “black in the face” lyric which was shortly changed to “blue.”

***

The word “monosyllable”…. has five syllables.

***

The problem with religion right now is that it hasn’t evolved.  Instead of being open and searching for ways to be relevant in today’s world, it’s gone all defensive and protective, and it has regressed into lowest-common-denominator sound bites – and fundamentalism.

***

I recently saw a picture of a washroom at Tim Horton’s, Canada’s national coffee and doughnut shop.  The toilet brush holder was a Starbucks mug.

Tim’s provided the coffee and donut balls for the recent outdoor meeting in the park.  They sent two 1-gallon, plastic-lined cardboard flasks of coffee, two boxes of Timbits, a bag of plastic cups, lids, stir-stix, sugar, and creamers.

Down at the bottom of the bag, unasked for, and unexpected, they included a dozen metal lapel pins that read

 O Canada
Right the wrongs

apparently referring to current, Indigenous atonement proceedings.  All very commendable but – when I go to a coffee shop, I want coffee and donuts – not political statements.

I do not see as wrongs, things that Snowflakes, afflicted with White Guilt, claim as wrongs.  When Europeans came to Canada, they operated under the same legal system that the Indigenous did – Take what you need – Hold what you can.

No-one owned the land, until a government, representing several nations and cultures, laid claim.  “Survival Of The Fittest” says that those most able to adapt, are most likely to endure.  Natives were expected to join the changing society.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

Many of the wise ones adapted, and became modern, productive Canadians.  The rest want to wear buckskins and feathers, whine that progress has passed them by, and party like it’s 1799.  😥

Flash Fiction #246

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

I never thought I’d say, ‘I wanna go back to work.’

It’s nice that the company arranged working remotely from home by computer, but, I want to go to the break room for a mug of the world’s worst coffee, or ruin my diet with a donut or cake – ‘cause it’s always someone’s birthday.  I miss the office gossip, politics, and resident weirdo.  I miss the water-cooler sports discussions, even if I hate sports.  I even miss breathe-on-you, Lecherous Lennie’s tales of barroom conquests – all the little things that used to irk me.

This “NEW NORMAL” is getting old, fast.

***

Want to join the Friday Fictioneers fun??  Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

And A Little Child Shall Lead Them

Hey Bob, why don’t you and Brenda join us?  We’re having a little meeting in the back room of Krispy Kreme.  We’re gonna discuss how us snowflake Millennials can lead better, commercially-oriented lives, by not having children.

What??!  WTF!!

Yeah man, this thing is really taking off.  We figure by summer, we’ll be able to hold a big rally and parade.  We’ll pass out condoms, and use a megaphone to yell, “No kids!  Screw the Church!  Use birth control.”

Does the above scenario seem somewhat foolish and highly unlikely??  Me too!  But, apparently not to an increasing number of Christian Apologists.

To be clear, you realize I was arguing against anti-natalism, right?  If the logic that entails anti-natalism also entails that it would be a good thing if we all died in our sleep tonight, then I think that’s something worth pointing out.

https://reasonablydoubtful1.wordpress.com/2020/01/14/a-refutation-of-anti-natalism/

In the barrage of garbage verbiage, that was the only thing that was clear.  What wasn’t clear, was Why.  You’ve created a conspiracy theory out of thin air.  You’ve identified a problem that isn’t.  You’ve given it a name – an identity – so that you can demonize it, like Jews and Negroes.

The only problem that I can see with individual couples exercising their personal reproductive rights, is that, collectively, it works to eliminate the richest and the smartest, both people, and nations.  Within 50/100 years, we’ll be hip-deep in little sheet-head terrorist wogs, because they breed like rats.

The only place that anti-natalism has ever been instituted by a government, was in China, and it may have been too late.  I think we should export anti-natalism!  India would be a good place to start, as long as it doesn’t eliminate online IT support – or maybe to Brazil, before they burn down the entire Amazon rain forest.

Advocating that First-World nations produce more children, does not eliminate the problem.  It only makes it bigger, and worse.  Agent Smith, in the Matrix movie was correct.  Mankind is a virus!  We need fewer and better, not more.

Logic Bomb Explodes

Apologist’s Entire Argument Destroyed

I don’t know why he feels the need to warn about the elimination of the race.  Well, actually, I do.  If everyone died peacefully in their sleep tonight, and he woke up tomorrow and he wasn’t there, he wouldn’t care.  He only cares, now, about the possible future erasure of his self-important little ego.

If another Yucatan-sized meteor smacked into the Earth, we would all die, screaming.  All the warnings that he might give would be just as useless, and the vague likelihood of it occurring are still greater than his religion-fueled fantasy.

This proud branch of a Scottish clan is rapidly dwindling to a brittle twig.  The wife and I followed the ’60s population-control mantra, “We Are Two – We Have Two.”  One of those chose to have none.  The other only had one – and it is no business of this particular Apologist, or any other.  How ‘bout you guys – lotsa kids, or few/none?  😕

2017 A To Z Challenge – J

When I was looking at others’ A to Z Challenge ideas, searching for inspirational prompts, I didn’t always read the complete posts. I thought it might be from a fan of legalization of marijuana, when I chose
JOINT SUPPORT,
as the title of the post for the letter

The wife has tried for years to get knee replacement surgery. Her doctor asked her one time if she was a good Catholic, but her days of kneeling are long past.  Finally, she got referred to the Orthopedic Surgeon who replaced my left shoulder 10 years ago.  He now specializes in knees.

She was told that the first one would be about a year, and the second, six months after. Government funding cutbacks stretched the first to almost 18 months.  Despite hours of hospital interviews and paperwork, they still managed to f….oul things up.

Despite clearly marking that she was allergic to pineapple, they served her fruit salad for every lunch and supper – with pineapple in it. (I loved it.) One night, supper was sweet and sour chicken – with pineapple in the sauce.  She says that, without me bringing her fresh fruit and vegetables, and Tim Horton’s Tim-Bits (do-nut holes) and coffee, she’d have starved.  She lost almost 10 pounds in a 3-day stay.

She also impressed upon her surgeon, that she was allergic to the nickel in (surgical) stainless steel, and insisted that he use sutures, instead of the far more common staples. They still teach suturing techniques in doctor school, but her surgeon has never practiced much.  She had hoped for small, delicate stitches, perhaps in a soft blue silk.  Instead, he put in 18 big, ghastly, bride-of-Frankenstein’s turkey-trussers, with black fishing line.  Still, it healed nicely.

When I had my more complex shoulder surgery, the arm was put in a sling, and I was told not to use it for six weeks, as it healed. Only then could the long, painful process of stretching and strengthening rehab begin.  Knee surgeries have become so easy and common, that she was expected to get out of bed, stand and shuffle a couple of steps, the day after surgery.

I worried about the Princess and the Pea wife not doing painful exercises, but have been pleasantly surprised.  Although she had already been looking forward to having the second knee done, it’s possible that she’s not looking forward quite so hard now.

Marriage Isn’t Just A Word: It’s A Sentence

The wife found her husband sitting on the back
porch crying. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Do you remember when we were dating and your
father, the judge, told me that if I didn’t marry you, he
would send me to prison for 20 years?” he said.

“Yes” she responded, “so what?”

“I would have got out of prison today!” he sobbed.

***

An attorney was sitting in his office late one
night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil
told the lawyer, ‘I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of
your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will
make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in
exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your
children’s souls, the souls of your parents,
grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls
of all your friends and law partners.’

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then
asked, ‘So, what’s the catch?’

***

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

***

If it looks easy, it’s hard.
If it looks hard, it’s impossible.
If it looks impossible,
it’s due tomorrow. At 8 AM.

***

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.

***

What did the blonde say when she looked inside
the box of Cheerios?

‘Oh look, donut seeds’

***

I didn’t work my way to the top of the food chain
to eat vegetables.

***

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When the pastor asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

“Pull down your pants,” the pastor whispered.

“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”

*********************

😆

Canadians and Americans: Similar Differences

Whewww….finally back to blogging.  Two weeks of flu, followed by a week and  a  half  of  Christmas/New  Years/shopping/wrapping/baking/cooking/ visitors/cleaning.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be, because they are ADHD-driven, but I am still impressed by those among my favorite bloggers who managed to pump out a post a day or better.

I will have to make an appointment with my Optometrist soon.  What I took at first as merely a symptom of the flu continues to linger.  I fear I may have blown an artery in the retina of my left eye.  I now have an ongoing circular area in my vision, not a blind spot, but the other day when I looked at a snowbank, there was a yellowish circle on it.   I have normal-for-me low blood pressure, so maybe there’s another cause, hopefully treatable.  Enough about me, why are Canadians and Americans the same, only different?

America was settled largely by middle-class merchants and religious protesters.  From the beginning the average was weighted toward individuality.  When the good land and good weather eventually ran out,  Great Britain settled the northern half of the continent with the excess population of farmers and sheep-herders.  These were the order-obeying drones, accompanied by just enough second-and-third son lesser nobility to keep them in line and remit the taxes.  The United States revolted and fought its way to independence.  A hundred years later, Canada got hers by asking nicely.

Before globalization the two nations came from the same founding countries, but different social influences, both pre-existing and later experienced, have created two neighboring countries with the same language and ethnic heritage, but often interestingly different outlooks on the same situation.  America has drones, and Canada has free-thinkers, but the bell curves don’t come down in the same place.

The American population, over the years, has become polarized on just about every issue.  There are just Democrats and Republicans, and never the twain shall meet.  Even people who voted for the likes of Ralph Nader or H. Ross Perot couldn’t take them seriously.   The Canadian Parliament has a multi-party goulash, not quite as bad as the on-going Italian fiasco, including Liberals, Conservatives, New Democrats, a single Green Party rep. and the Bloc Quebecois party, whose publicly declared mission is to secede from Canada (and still we politely let them run, and sit in government) but whose real agenda is to get more money and political power by blackmail.

Two things happened recently which pointed out the divergent results to a common problem.  First, Coca-Cola offered a plan by which they would donate money to help save habitat for polar bears.  They would imprint special white-on-white cans, showing polar bears on a snow/ice background.  For every can sold, they would donate five cents.  In the US, it was like the Boston Tea Party all over again.  Bitch, bitch, bitch!  We don’t like it! Stop the campaign!  Give us back our red cans!  When they’re white, we can’t find the Coke on the shelf!  They look like Diet Coke!  They look like generic cola!  Even, it doesn’t taste the same!  Thousands of letters and emails convinced Coca-Cola US to terminate the campaign.  The same day I saw the announcement of the cancellation in the US, I was watching some Canadian TV and saw an ad which stated that the same scheme which had just been halted south of the border, was doing so well in Canada, that Coca-Cola.ca was expanding it by two million cans, probably to get rid of the ones they couldn’t sell in the States.

The other business announcement which had me shaking my head at American management in the Canadian market was one from McDonalds, which said that they intended to take away the coffee-selling crown from Canada’s own Tim Hortons donut and coffee shop chain.  Control of Tim’s was bought about ten years ago by Wendy’s, headquartered in Dublin, Ohio, an exurb of Columbus.  I never thought that the two were a good fit, but Wendy’s used it as an excuse to start putting up Tim Hortons in Ohio and Michigan.  That’s why Edward Scissorhands Hotspur can get a Tim’s across from The Greene in Dayton.  Wendy’s finally realized what I felt all along and sold control back to the Canadian corporation  On my last trip to Detroit I looked up Tim Hortons in the phone book and found TWO in the metro Detroit area.  Better than the time before when there was zero, but here in Canada, I could pass two Tim’s on the way to the community mailbox.  A recent news item in the paper listed a robbery at a Tim’s “on Victoria St.”  A quick mental review placed at least three along the ten mile stretch.  You have to be a bit more specific.  There are probably five to ten Tim Hortons for every McDonalds in Canada.  I sit in the middle of a half a million population zone.  After years of dithering because they only put up a shop for every two hundred thousand people, the American chain, Krispy Kreme built an outlet locally.  Just over a year later Tim Hortons built one, literally across the street.  Just another year later, the backup at the Tim’s drive-thru is out to the street, and the Krispy Kreme is gone and a family restaurant takes its place.

There is no serious competition for Tim’s from Second Cup or Country Style, both coffee/donut shops like Tim’s.  If you like tree-hugger pastries, there are a few Williams coffee pubs, and enough Canucks are rich/preppy enough to keep the occasional Starbucks going.  There’s one inside my favorite bookstore, but Canadians WANT their Timmy’s.  For the last five years, during the first week of December,  McDonalds has been giving away a free small coffee to anyone who come in and asks.  If you want a medium or large, the charge is, free, plus the difference for the size.  The lines at Tim’s haven’t gotten any shorter except when they open a new shop two blocks down the street.  I don’t think McDonalds stands a chance on this, but what do I know?  I’m not an American market researcher.