Thomas says to his best friend Davis, ‘You know,
I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation, only this
year I’m gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice as to
where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii; I went
to Hawaii, and my wife Julia got pregnant.
Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas.
I went to the Bahamas, and Julia got pregnant again.’
Davis says, ‘So what you gonna do different this year?’
Thomas says, ‘This year, I’m taking Julia with me!’!
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
“Mike the mailman.”
“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”
“But mom, age is just a number.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand.”
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a work function,
We were having a drink and I said to him, “Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same”?
He replied, “Kim’s at the bar getting drinks, I’m his wife”
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened! Can you make me forget?”
The hypnotherapist rolls his eyes, and says under his breath, “Oh, brother. Not again …!”
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO REALLY LOVES YOU
Put your partner, your cat and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open it up again, who’s happy to see you?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when company comes, but when I do it, I’m being antisocial.
Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.
Feefiphobia is a chronic fear of giants.
If laziness were an Olympic sport, I’d come in fourth so that I didn’t have to walk up to the podium.
I do weights for muscle health, cardio for heart health….and chocolate for mental health.