Hah-ppily Married

Wedding Cake Figures

Thomas says to his best friend Davis, ‘You know,
I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation, only this
year I’m gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice as to
where to go.

Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii; I went
to Hawaii, and my wife Julia got pregnant.

Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas.
I went to the Bahamas, and Julia got pregnant again.’

Davis says, ‘So what you gonna do different this year?’

Thomas says, ‘This year, I’m taking Julia with me!’!

***

“Mom, I’m dating a man.”

“Whom, sweetheart?”

“Mike the mailman.”

“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”

“But mom, age is just a number.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand.”

==========

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a work function,

We were having a drink and I said to him, “Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same”?

He replied, “Kim’s at the bar getting drinks, I’m his wife”

==========

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened! Can you make me forget?”
The hypnotherapist rolls his eyes, and says under his breath, “Oh, brother.  Not again …!”

***

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO REALLY LOVES YOU

Put your partner, your cat and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open it up again, who’s happy to see you?

***

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when company comes, but when I do it, I’m being antisocial.

***

Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.

***

Feefiphobia is a chronic fear of giants.

***

If laziness were an Olympic sport, I’d come in fourth so that I didn’t have to walk up to the podium.

***

I do weights for muscle health, cardio for heart health….and chocolate for mental health.

 

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T.M.I.

Aghast

26 Things About Me

 

Twenty-six things about me…

A- Age: Just count the rings – uh, 71

B- Biggest fears: I fear nothing – but I’m smart enough to avoid certain things.

C- Current time: 12:34:56 AM

D- Drink you last had: Iced Tea

E- Every day starts with: waking up and checking the obits page

F- Favorite song: Fleetwood Mac – Tusk, YouTube video with USC Marching Band

G- Ghosts, are they real?: Only if you think they are.

H- Hometown: Southampton, Ontario, Canada

I- In love with: Myself – Damn, I’m awesome!

J- Jealous of: No one. I didn’t do all this work to wish I was someone else

K- Killed someone?: In my head? A lot. (Nobody’s actually gonna check – right?)

L- Last time you cried: When I sliced up four pounds of onions for French Onion Soup

M- Middle name: Howard – and one more Archonian secret is revealed

N- Number of siblings: 2 – 1 full brother and 1 half-assed sister

O- One wish: To turn back time.

P- Person you last called: Called what? Oh, daughter, LadyRyl!

Q- Question you’re always asked: Would you like to come to dinner now?

R- Reason to smile: I know – but you don’t even suspect.

S- Song last sung: Eagles – Take It Easy

T- Time you woke up: 7:22 when son got home, 10:36 when bladder insisted, finally 12:54 PM

U- Underwear color: Differently colored bikini briefs every day

V- Vacation destination: Charleston, SC

W- Worst habit: Procrastination.

X- X-Rays you’ve had: Am I still glowing? A lot, recently!

Y- Your favorite food: A lot – potato pancakes/fries & gravy/poutine

Z- Zoos visited! Detroit, as a kid. Not Toronto. Does African Lion Safari count?