Smitty’s Loose Change #6

Beer

Hey, Alcohol!
We had a deal where you made me smarter, funnier, and a better dancer.
I’ve seen the video.
We need to talk.

***

MOODY CONTEMPLATION

Between the eyes and ears there lie
The sounds of color
And the light of a sigh
With thoughts of within
To exclude the without
The ghost of a thought
Will exclude all doubt
And to name this thought
Is important to some
So they gave it a word
And the word is
OM’.

***
My boss told me to have a nice day….so I went home.

***

We suffered a home invasion recently. Fortunately, it was a stupid benign one.  After the son came home from his midnight shift, he stayed up a bit later than usual.  He always locks the front door as he comes in.  The wife got up a bit earlier than usual to take a shower, to go out.  Between the water running, and the two of them talking in the hall, I came awake.

Suddenly, I could hear the wife talking to someone else, and got out of bed to see what was going on. Halfway down the stairs in her nightie, suddenly she heard some woman’s voice shouting out, “Adeline!  Adeline, are you here?  I’ve come to visit.  Adeline, can you hear me?”

The wife shouted, “There’s no Adeline here! Get out!  Get Out!” and the son came roaring out of his bedroom.  Later, he bitched, “The one morning I forget to lock the door…!” The woman responded, “Isn’t this number 238?”  Does Adeline drive a new Kia Sorento with custom ‘ARCHON’ plates?  Does she live in a house with 4-inch brass numbers, 232, on the corner of the garage that you just passed?

I’d almost suspect an all-you-can-quickly-lift-and-walk out-with burglary buffet if she hadn’t been challenged. It’s difficult to imagine anyone that dumb, but then, the only infinite things are the Universe, and stupidity….and I’m not sure about the Universe.

***

America – a pre-existing condition in need of constant reassurance.
Belief – The idea that feelings equate to reality.  (See Truth)
God – Head of a US based Multinational Corporation which invests in social networking applications, web based communications technology, and merit based wish fulfillment.  (See Mark Zuckerberg).
Truth – Any knowledge, information, or ideas not yet deemed as “fake”.
Zuckerberg, Mark – Senior Pastor, First Church of Facebook (see God).

***

All writers have a little voice inside their head, one that doesn’t say, write a bestseller, or, sell lots of books.  It simply whispers to them to write every day.  If listened to, the voice will go silent.  If ignored, the urge will never relent.  Writing frees your soul, and allows your imagination to wander.

***

I took the daughter shopping the other day. We went to the refrigerated section of a major supermarket chain, looking for OJ and chocolate milk. As I walked past the big, chilled display of eggs, I realized that it was clucking at me. Apparently the store has hidden a speaker behind the display, and trip-switches on the glass doors has it burbling, “Bock-bock-bock-bock, bock-bock-bock.” I was afraid to go near the milk aisle. Moo, moo, moo???….or the ground pork.   🙄

 

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A to Z Challenge – E

April Challenge

Letter E

EGGS – are organic vessels in which embryos first begin to develop.

Egg

Isn’t this egg-citing?

Dr. Seuss’s ‘Green eggs and ham’ is better than eggs and green ham.

Emus lay green eggs, about the size of softballs.

He’s a good egg, even if he’s slightly cracked.

Why did the chicken cross the road?  ‘Cause her friends were egging her on.

Ham and eggs is just a day’s production for a hen, but a life’s commitment for a pig.

Justin Bieber’s a rotten egg because he egged a neighbor’s house.

egg on one’s face, Informal. humiliation or embarrassment resulting from having said or done something foolish or unwise:
They were afraid to back the losing candidate and wind up with egg on their faces.

lay an egg, Informal. to fail wretchedly, especially to be unsuccessful in front of an audience:
He laid an egg as the romantic hero.

put all one’s eggs in one basket, to venture all of something that one possesses in a single enterprise.

walk on eggs, to walk or act very cautiously.

Eggs and oaths are soon broken.

You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.

Don’t rush things.  Eggs can’t be unscrambled.

The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs.  It’s all about what you’re made of, not your circumstances.

Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden egg.

Evil chickens lay deviled eggs.

Why did the egg hide?  Because it was fry-day.

In my youth I was called an egghead.  Today I’d be a geek or a nerd.

The recipe said to separate the eggs – but it didn’t say how far.

I can’t lay an egg, but I’m a good judge of omelets.

Mark Twain said it’s okay to put all your eggs in one basket – if you watch the basket.

Eggs shouldn’t dance with stones.

People judge you by your actions, not your intentions.  You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

That’s enough yolks for now. I’m going to make my eggs-it.

Flash Fiction #40

Sunny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SUNNY DISPOSITION

Wendy didn’t begrudge Bob’s monthly poker night with the guys, nor mind that he had a couple of beers, but last night he had overindulged.  She’d need to have a word with him about that when his head stopped pounding; they had a young child now.  Hung-over Bob was as petulant and demanding as the baby.

Ah, Sunday brunch on the deck – sunshine and fresh air.  Who demanded fried eggs as a sober-up meal??!

“I don’t like sunny-side-up!  I wanted over-easy!”

Wendy extended her hand toward the fence and inverted the platter.

“You want over-easy??  Okay Bob, you got over-easy!”

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

My parents used to winter in Florida, renting a trailer from a farming family.  They had three children.  While never drunken, the husband could occasionally become exasperating.  It was always quickly nipped in the bud by a ‘mother’s’ steely stare, and the words, “I didn’t take you to raise!”

Happy Birthday

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a
local parking spot, overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on.

Inside there was a young man in the driver’s seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in
the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the
driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,

‘Yes, Officer?’

‘What are you doing?’ the policeman asked.
‘What does it look like?’ answered the young man.
‘I’m reading this magazine.’

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat,
the officer then asked, ‘And what is she doing?’

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied,

‘I think she’s knitting a sweater.’

Confused, the officer asked, ‘How old are you,
young man?’

‘I’m nineteen,’ he replied.

‘And how old is she?’ asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,
‘Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be
eighteen.’

***

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, ‘In my family we normally solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.’

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, ‘Now it’s my
turn to kick you.’

The Scotsman said, ‘Keep the damned egg.’

***

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s
office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and
said, “Unless you do the following things, your
husband will surely die.” The doctor then went
on to say, “Here’s what you need to do. Every
morning make sure you serve him a good healthy
breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch
so that you can serve him a well balanced meal.

Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each
evening and don’t overburden him with any
stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform
any household chores. Also, keep the house
spotless and clean so that he doesn’t get exposed
to any threatening germs.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what
the doctor said. She replied, “He said that
you’re going to die.”

Father Murphy

The Fundraising Problems Of Father Murphy

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish.  He asked for suggestions about how to raise money for his church.  He was told that racehorses made money for their owners, so he went to a horse auction, but he made a very poor buy.  The horse he bought turned out to be a “Donkey.”

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race.  The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headline in the paper read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Shows”

The Archbishop saw the paper, and was displeased.  The next day, the donkey came in first, and the headline read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Out In Front.”

The Archbishop was up in arms, and figured something had to be done.  Father Murphy had entered the donkey in a third race, and it came in second.  Now the headline read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Back In Place.”

The Archbishop thought that this was too much, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races, which inspired the editor to write,

“Archbishop Scratches Father Murphy’s Ass.”

When the Archbishop read this, he ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey.  He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet.  Now the headlines read,

“Nun Owns Best Ass In Town.”

The Archbishop read this and immediately ordered Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal.  She managed to sell it for $10.00.  The next day, the headline read,

“Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass For $10.”

They buried the Archbishop three days later.

 

Royal Babysitters

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away in a distant country, lived a great and powerful ruler, named a Shah.  He lived on a gloriously beautiful palace with his beloved wife, who was the Shahnee, and his only child, a handsome boy, known as the Shan.

The Shah loved his little son very much, and tried to protect him as much as possible.  The Shan was subject to small fits, or seizures, and had been known to fall down and hurt himself.  So the Shah hired two strong, alert, intelligent guards to go with the Shan wherever he went, to protect him from all dangers, and to be there when the Shan had an attack, to keep him from falling and hurting himself.

One day though, a minor catastrophe occurred.  The Shan, now approaching manhood, had become interested in pretty girls, and went to a club, to watch the dancers, and talk to them.  While he was engaged in conversation, the two guards became distracted by a couple of pieces of feminine pulchritude, and were not near when the Shan had an attack, and fell down a short flight of stairs, breaking his arm.

After leaving his son with the doctor, the Shah called the two guards, to question them as to where they had been at the time of the accident, and why they had not prevented the Shan’s fall and injury, as they should have.  He ranted and raved, and yelled at them, and threatened them with dire punishments, and finally screamed at them, “Just where were you, when the fit hit the Shan??!”

 

Smart Feller

The vain person is one who loves the smell of his own farts.

The amiable person is one who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

The proud person thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

The shy person releases silent farts, and then blushes.

The impudent person boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The scientific person is one who farts regularly, but is concerned about pollution.

The unfortunate person tries hard to fart, but shits himself, instead.

The nervous person is one who stops in the middle of a fart.

The honest person admits he has farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The dishonest person is one who farts, and then blames the dog.

The foolish person suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The thrifty person always has several farts in reserve.

The anti-social person excuses himself, and farts in complete privacy.

The strategic person conceals his farts with loud laughter.

The sadistic person farts in bed, and then pulls the covers over his bedmate.

The intellectual person can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s farts, precisely the latest food consumed.

The athletic person farts at the slightest exertion.

The miserable person would truly love to, but can’t fart at all.

The sensitive person is one who farts, and then starts crying.

 

Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?

A newly hatched chick asked his mother, “Am I people?”  No, you are chicken!  Do chickens come from people?  No, chickens come from eggs.  Do people come from eggs?  No, people are born.  Are eggs born?  No, eggs are laid.  Are people ever laid?  Some are; others are chicken!!    😕