Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.

Dancing Around Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to provide alternative artists (real or fictitious) for these song titles:

1. Stop in the name of Love

Some Biblical guy named Onán
No glove – No love
Spill your seed upon the ground

2. You can call me Al

Al Bundy did it first, but he just didn’t have the voice, so he went on to become the world’s greatest shoe salesman.

3. Till you come back to me

Yo-Yo Squash and the Rebounds

4. I just wanna dance with somebody

This song was made famous by Billy Idol just before closing time, at many a karaoke bar.  He said that he asked The World to dance, but, “I’m dancin’ with myself.”  It gives you a thumbnail sketch of his personality.  Sine-Aid Sinéad O’Connor told him that, “Nothing compares to you – favourably.”

5. Won’t somebody dance with me?

Were you doing shots with Billy Idol??!  I just answered this, above.  Could I hear the refrain from asking again?

6. Two out of three ain’t bad

That’s the new campaign theme song for ex-President (and we hope he stays that way) Donald Trump, ever since an aide told him that there were 34 felony charges against him, but he’d only been convicted of 22.  He also explained to Trump how to figure out how many two out of three were.  The Donald told him that he didn’t need to, because the marks he got back in maths class were “HUGE!”

7. Ghost riders in the sky

As a supplement to Up and Away, Into the Wild Blue Yonder, this has been adopted and sung by the USAF Stealth Plane Squadron.  Can’t see us – can’t hit us.  With their planes’ strange angles and radar non-reflective coating, from the ground they have the perceivability of a robin.  Nothin’ to see here, just us clouds.

8. Ticket to Ride

This is the new fight song for the Underground Transit Authority Constable Squad.  Determined to combat the plague of Chavs and other louts jumping turnstiles, they go where and when it most often happens, and lie in wait, concealed behind kiosks and pillars.  When it occurs, they leap out and put the arm on the culprit.

Oy.  ‘Alf a mo, chum.  ‘Ere’s a citation for criminal trespass, and theft of services.  It earns you no-charge transportation to the local nick, where you can explain your anti-social activities to a judge in the morning.  Like The Edgar Winter Group says, that’s your Free Ride.

9. Totally devoted to you

Melania Trump, serial monogamist Donald Trump’s third (?) wife.  She wanted to change the title a bit to, Totally devoted to your bank account, and my lifestyle.  The hit on the B-side was, It’s Not Rape Until the Cheque Bounces, and includes the lyrics, We know what you are.  We’re just negotiating the price.  😳

10. Me and You and a Dog named Boo

A duo of the English teacher, and the Maths teacher at my high school.  They wanted to title it, You and I, and a Dog Named Pi.

’23 A To Z Challenge – B

 

Following in the grand tradition of Assholery, I present to you, his next-door neighbor

BULLSHITTERY

I recently read yet another dirge for the continued deterioration of both good manners, and English language usage.  A woman, younger than me, (That percentage continues to grow by the day) wanted to know what in Hell has happened to the phrase, “You’re welcome.”

I say to someone – often a clerk of some sort – Thank you, and get back, No problem.  Of course it was a problem, a minor problem perhaps, but if it hadn’t been a problem, I wouldn’t have approached you to solve it.  Also, you’ve now trivialized my situation, and made me feel guilty for bothering you.

Certain related things (should) come in pairs.  If I say salt, you reply, pepper.  If I say Abbott, you respond with, Costello.  If I say Thank you, you don’t match it with pork schnitzel, or deck varnish, or this silly, disconnected, no problem bullshit.

A rejoinder to the lady’s discomfort was that, other languages and cultures have similar constructions.  (Some of) The French come back with, de rien, which roughly translates to it was nothing.  The same objections apply.  The French Language Law books say that the proper response should be, Je vous en prie, which isn’t much better, since it means, I will pray for you.

A common response in Australia is, No worries (mite mate).  As your Mother used to say to you, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off with them?  Mom was a little OCD, but she had a point.  I don’t feel that holding up arrogant, frog’s-legs-munching Frenchmen, or descendants of deported criminals, who had no good manners or proficiency with The Queen’s English – I’m not counting Chuckles the Clown yet – is a good justification for poor, vernacular usage.

Alas, the language, Horatio, I knew it well – before it started hanging out with rap and Tik-Tok stars.  😦

What Does That Say About You?

The following people were arrested for assault on the English language, and possession of more than 2 grams of Redneck speech.

Pros

I could smell the odor of petroleum esthers – a Jewish queen tells me they’re esters.

Pretend to swipe and glide through the air – Pretend you read the script, and it’s swoop.

Leaving Christian tracks on the vending machines – lines of holy fingerprints, leading to printed tracts

Waited for the nurse to hove into view – Sorry, Mr. Pretentious, hove is the past tense of heave.

Japanese gun deaths at 0.001 percent per 100,000 population vs. American gun deaths at 13.7 percent per 100,000 population – just one superfluous word killed a lot of extra people.

GMO foods cause a sleuth of medical problems – Sherlock Holmes tracked down the word slew.

A lack of nurses has only exasperated the problem – I am exasperated that you don’t know exacerbated.

The searcher found a cash of coins – Coins are cash, but he found a cache.

If you have flu symptoms please corn teen yourself – with a dictionary.

Amateurs

I am a bonified, card-carrying lesbian – but not a bona fide dictionary-carrying linguist.  I didn’t think that lesbians got bonified.  😳

Fake meat, made in a peach tree dish – Julius Petri will have some of that meat in his dish.

My sir name is Hendrix – and my madam name is surname.

Who blead the weak into poverty – They’re probably weak because they bleed.

I marched all over the play to find the culprit – and found him with Shakespeare, in the place that had the English textbook.

My family should know that buy now – I don’t buy that spelling of by.

A blue band on the ship’s haul – Haul out the dictionary, and look up ‘Hull.’

Synonym rolls, just like grammar used to make – I can’t swallow that phrase.

Someone stole my car’s catholic converter – Have the priest pray that you’re not fined.

He was under the rest for stealing – and for arrested English development.

The government is letting in Muslims and referees – Yeehaw!  Hockey Night in Canada!

1.5 Cu/ft. Michael Wave for sale – Hi, Mike.  Could you nuke my leftovers, please?

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion – Doctor, My Eyes Is that more wrong with one, or two?  One, or two?

Elon Musk berst in to (sic) the press conference – I’ve got nothing for that, but Musk is his own smart-ass comment.  Just ask his seventh son, X Æ a-Xii – (When he gets out of therapy)

This is a courtecy note – Scammers should have the courtesy to spell it correctly.

Why can’t I do it?  My best guest – has a guess that it’s just writers’ cramp.

It amounts to chop change – Don’t be a chump, get it right

Black people were bread to be laborers – I think they were more meat than bread.

Free woshing masheen – comes with Spellchecker

His redneck neighbor has a was Maxine – with no Spellchecker

Chair has scuff Mark’s on front – probably from that woshing masheen

O No – O Not

 

Once upon a time, in olden Greece, there lived two little vowels, almost identical twins.

Recently, I was watching videos…. Perhaps on a site I shouldn’t have been at.  😳

Attention!  Your computer has notified us that it has been infected by a very contagious virus.  You have been locked out so that we can contain it.  Please call the toll-free number listed below so that we can erase it and prevent further infection.  Failure to do so can result in a permanent shutdown, and loss of files and data.

Not that I’ve ever received such a notice.  😉

I watched a young man talking about realizing something about these two Greek vowels.  In English, there is only one letter ‘O,’ but it is pronounced in two ways.  There is the long O, like in the word No, and the short O, like in the word Not.

In Greek, there are two Os – Omega, and Omicron.  He had just become conscious of the fact that – the long O, the big O – was O–mega, and the short O, the small O – was O–micron.  It’s so blindingly obvious…. after someone points it out to you.

He looked so familiar.  Who was this young man taking so much delight to explain such a minuscule linguistic detail about a foreign language, with such fervor?  My old eyes aren’t what they used to be, but I’m pretty sure it was me.

My next post, on the rapid increase of initialisms, will all be in English, despite the fact that there really is no such language.  FYI, LOL, LMAO, ROFL, FWIW, IDK, LY, TTYL.

’22 A To Z Challenge – U

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What word or phrase – beginning with the letter U – will I choose as a theme, this time?

As the singer, Tom Jones says, It’s Not Unusual.  But then, can you really trust a man who was willing to lop off his last name, to take advantage of a movie presentation of an old, smutty novel, to help kick-start his career??  😕

Words in the dictionary, beginning with the letters X, Y, or Z, are not terribly plentiful.  Words beginning with U, seem a bit more abundant – until you realize that most of them are un-something – the negatives of a bunch of positive words.

I am willing – I positively revel – to be G.O.D. – the Grumpy Old Dude blogger, grumbling about this and that.  But I don’t want the entire, overarching theme of my website, to be negative.  I don’t mind bitching about certain foibles of society, but overall, I want it to be

UPBEAT

A musical term which has come to mean; optimistic, cheerful, happy

I am positive that Donald Trump, and many other politicians, are total, and complete ASSHOLES!  Perhaps we should try to choose political leaders who are UN-assholes….  Are there any??!  😳  Maybe we could issue a UKASE – edict, order, directive, ruling, decree, fiat, proclamation, that no assholes are allowed.  Now that would be positive!

On my way out, I’d like to introduce you to my new, non-sequitur pet, an

URUBU

A Portuguese, vulture-like turkey buzzard.  Handsome little devil, isn’t he??!  😉

’22 A To Z Challenge – S

Of all my relations, I still like sex the best.  😉

Two vaguely-related prompts, equal one mediocre post.

I again, recently ran into some archaic words. Smite means to strike, to hit, to afflict or attack.  It’s a present-tense verb.  The past-tense form is smote.  They were both in common usage around 1600 AD, when the King James Bible was composed.
The Israelites did smite the Midianites.
Peter drew his sword and smote the chief priest’s slave.

There was a lot of smiting and smoting going on back then.  We’ve come a long way since then – perhaps too far.  Now we’re not even supposed to raise our voice, or say anything that might offend or distress someone.

The first word that I snaked out of the S-word file was their relation/relative, the word

SMITTEN

The other two words are verbs, portraying actions performed.  Smitten is an adjective that describes the situation that results from these actions.  The slave, whose ear Peter lopped off, was smitten by the sword.

The two verbs toddled off into linguistic obscurity in the Archaic Dictionary about 400 years ago.  Smitten avoided this fate with a little soft-shoe shuffle and a quick two-step.  It is used, even today, because it evolved its meaning from the actual, physical, to the more allegorical, and mental, and tends to be accompanied by the word with.
She was smitten with the bad-boy biker dude.
He was smitten with the sleek, fast, Tesla sport model.
The entire family was smitten with COVID 19.

Relatively speaking, the relation I next noticed, was the up-and-coming verb form of

SANDBAG

I prefer the British term ‘cosh,’ which is a blackjack, or bludgeon.  A sport sock, with the toe filled with damp sand, smartly applied  to someone’s head, just above the ear, generally guarantees a half an hour of unconsciousness. (a raging headache, possible fractured skull, concussion, loss of memory, etc.)

The recent business and social usage of ‘sandbag,’ which is becoming as common and as irksome as ‘woke,’ is to thwart or cause to fail or be rejected, especially surreptitiously or without warning – scam, con, or flim-flam.  (There’s an old term, making a comeback because of sandbag)

English is a constantly-changing, fluid language, but sometimes I get the feeling that we’re just being sold down the river.  In a couple of days, I will plainly state some of the problems of getting old, and demonstrate the difference between ‘Bitching’ and ‘Whining.’  Bitching is clearly saying I hurt, Damnit!  Whining is more, Whaaa.  I’m a little sore and I need to lie down.  I teach that in my Grumpy101 Course, at the local Community College.  You guys got it for free.  😉

’22 A To Z Challenge – R

 

 

It’s said that the Inuit have 19 different words for snow.  Not to be outdone, the British have at least that many words for the concept of

RAIN

I use the word ‘rain’, loosely and generically, to depict moisture in the air.  Each word is a hairsbreadth away from its mates, in describing the exact level of cold, damp, and discomfort produced.  Fog can be from light enough to safely land an airplane, to Pea Soup, which is so thick that you can break your nose, walking into a lamppost.

As the water particles become larger, and more likely to descend as precipitation, the British lexicon progresses from fog, to mist, to mizzle, to drizzle, to showers, to rain.  But it doesn’t stop there.  Brits variously describe their rain as, downpour, drencher, soaker, toad-strangler and kerb-cleaner.

Not to be left out, the Scottish language has generously donated the word

RAWKY

which means foggy, misty, cold and dreary.  If you’ve watched the James Bond movie Skyfall, when he retreats to his family’s Scottish estate, you’ll have caught a glimpse of it.  During this past summer, the BBC, and the police, received a spate of panicked calls from concerned citizens who had witnessed a strange glowing orb in the sky, and feared they were being invaded by space aliens.  They were reassured when told that it was merely the sun.  It does come out and shine – occasionally.

***

Any too-brief post about R, can only benefit from the inclusion of a reference to my Mountain Ash-tree strong GREAT-grandson

ROWEN

He, and his wardrobe of knitted clothes, and his vocabulary, and his curiosity, are all growing by leaps and bounds.  Like many other young lads, he appears to have only two settings, a squirrel-on-meth, Nature’s version of a perpetual-motion machine, and, like a switch was thrown, a somnolence, a catalepsy so swift, that he can fall asleep while putting food in his mouth – at which point, at least one grateful parent often joins him in a brief nap.

Tune in again in a couple of days for Smitty’s Bible-Study seminar.  Remember to bring your King James Version, and fasten your seatbelt.  👿

Lies My Grammar Checker Told Me

The guy who programmed my Word program Grammar Checker, must have been on some wild, non-prescription medication.  If I paid any attention to it, I’d probably end up the same way.  The suggestions – corrections – range from highly disappointing, to Oh F**k No!  I finally decided to keep a list.  Here are a few, with my corrections of Word’s ‘corrections.’

Let’s start with ‘guy’ above, which it insists on adding a comma after, sectioning my independent clause into a smaller, subordinate one.  Now it’s spotted the word ‘guy,’ and wants me to change ‘which’ to ‘whom.’

Archon: God is perfectly loving.
Word: God perfectly loves.
This changes my passive adjective into an active verb.  What He is, is not necessarily what He’s currently doing.  Now it wants me to remove the comma after the first ‘is.’  If I do that, it will want me to remove the duplicated word.

Archon: I’m okay.
Word: I is okay.
Well, I’m not okay with that verb form.

Archon: I only did one sit up
Word: I only did one sits up
I know!  It’s my fault.  I should have put a dash between sit and up.

Archon: I need another drink
Word: I needs another drink
Now I need two drinks.  Oh look, it’s changed its mind.  Oh damn, you can’t see.

Archon: the asshole who screwed you
Word: the asshole that screwed you
No, no!  If we’re going that way, it was a penis that screwed you.

Archon: Sorry man, it’s trick or treat
Word: Sorry man, its trick or treat
That one is subtle, but it burns my ass.

Archon: row, row, row your boat
Word: row, row, and row your boat
Row, row, row your silly recommendations away from me.

Archon: people always seem to know it
Word:  people always seems to know it
It doesn’t seem to know how many, the word “people,” represents.

Archon: letting myself go
Word: letting me go
I do myself.  Everybody else does me.  There’s a rule there that I can’t remember – something about reflexive.

Archon: will never see the light of day
Word: will never sees the light of day
Poor Will, his eyesight is lousy.

Archon: Just to clear things up
Word: Just too clear things up
That is too much to accept.  Dear Lord!  Now it wants to capitalize ‘Too.’

Archon: mattresses aren’t on sale
Word: mattresses isn’t on sale
Unless “Mattresses” is a book or movie, I aren’t accepting that construction

Archon: Turns out I just have kids
Word: Turns out me just have kids
Turns out me don’t trust Grammar-Check

Archon: a chocolate box, and a chocolate Lab, are
Word: a chocolate box, and a chocolate Lab, is a
One plus one equals a plural verb

Archon: it means to lift or raise
Word: it means to lift or rise
Active vs. passive – It raises a question of who writes better English.

Archon – 14 <-> Word – 0  The deterioration of English language usage is not circular.  It is a continuing, downward spiral.  ‘We’ become wrong because we listen to supposed experts, and the supposed experts are wrong because they listen to, and read, our current usage.   👿

’22 A To Z Challenge – M

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgotten Words – Forgotten Attitudes

What do we want?

GOOD MANNERS

When do we want them?

Right now!

Are we likely to get them??!

F*&@ no!

In a world where the words we use, and our attitudes, are supposedly of utmost importance, words are regularly passing out of use from the English language.  We become dumbed down intellectually, ethically, and spiritually. Here are a few words which have been forgotten, though they were in regular use just a few decades ago. Interestingly, they’re all related in meaning:

Modesty

Humility

Courtesy

Honesty

“I pray thee then, write me as someone who loves his fellow man.”  (Abou ben Adhem)

Donald Trump is gone, although, if he can evade the FBI on his magpie collection of classified documents, he’s threatening to return in 2024.  While he facilitated much of the above, and vindicated it to a too-large swath of the American population, he was not the cause of it.  He was merely a visible symptom of the cultural rot.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Be nice to each other out there.  Okay?  The life you save may be your own.

Thus endeth the reading of the first lesson.  More of the usual drivel soon.