Little Johnny asks his mom, “Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll be home late’.
If you go get yourself a cup of coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will take just long enough for the coffee to get cold.
My therapist told me to finish things that I started.
Today I finished two bottles of wine and a cake.
I feel better already.
Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick: “It was really great mom! Today we made explosives!”
Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick: “What school?”
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment in a train, as it winds its way through the Alps.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and, as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twit again.”
129% of people exaggerate.
The nurse said to me, “We need a stool, urine and semen sample.”
I turned to the wife and said, “Ehh??! What did she say?”
She replied, “They want your underwear.”
We serve vegetarians. Please tell us how you’d like them cooked.
Ex: You’re fucking stupid
Me: You’re fucking proof
Do clouds ever look down and say, “That one looks like an idiot?”
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist with minor injuries. I rushed outside yelling, “Let me through, let me through.” A man at the front said, “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?”…………..
………..I said, “No, that’s my fucking Pizza.”